Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in talks to play iconic Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime: Television For Movies About Women Getting Raped And Killed movie. Yeah, okay.
THR reports:

Lindsay Lohan could go from posing as Marilyn Monroe in Playboy to playing Elizabeth Taylor for Lifetime. The actress is in early talks to play the big-screen icon in a television movie for the female-skewing cable network, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed. The project is not a new one and has been in development at Lifetime since last May. Independent producer Larry Thompson, who previously worked with the cabler on its 2010 telepic Amish Grace, is overseeing the project.

In the last three years, Lindsay Lohan has been rumored to star in or been fired from more movies (Superman: Man of Steel, Gotti: Three Generations, Lovelace) than she's actually been hired for (Machete, Labor Pains), so who knows if this will actually make it to production without Lindsay being found dead in a ditch with her panties stuffed in her mouth or at a pawn shop trying to sell one of the cameras. And Elizabeth Taylor was hot, right? That's something we can all agree on, right? So if somebody could explain why Lindsay Lohan is being considered here, I'd appreciate it. Is CGI involved? Because, let's face it, I'd rather dig up the actual Elizabeth Taylor and have sex with it than stick my dick in Lindsay Lohan wearing one of those motion capture suits.

Fun fact: Lindsay turned down the role of stripper Jade in The Hangover (role that eventually went to Heather Graham) because she said the screenplay had "no potential". The movie grossed $467M worldwide. Stay off crack, kids.

Earlier this week, Dina Lohan made a huge point to tell everyone that Lindsay would not be hosting any NYE parties because she wants to focus on her sobriety and not get arrested again, but then the very next day it was announced that Lindsay would be hosting a NYE party in Dubai with Pamela Anderson. What incredible timing! No Lindsay plans to sue over these salacious lies. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan will ring in 2012 at a RAGING PARTY in Dubai -- so says an overseas party planning company ... but TMZ has learned Lohan claims it's totally full of crap and now she's threatening legal action. Sources connected to Lohan tell us ... the actress was PISSED when she learned her name is being used to promote a massive NYE bash on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship in Dubai ... because it's simply not true. We're told Lindsay's legal team is pounding out a cease and desist letter -- claiming she's prepared to sue the pants off the party people if they continue to lie about Lohan's NYE plans. Lohan's rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ ... “Lindsay is not going to Dubai, nor had she ever considered doing so. She will be spending New Year's Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family."

Ok, I'm going to blatantly speculate on this whole thing solely based on the fact that Lindsay is a conniving drug addict who lies constantly. Ready? Lindsay agreed to host the party in Dubai and probably took a chunk of money of front, but the probation department denied her request to leave the country, so now she's "spending New Year's Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family" because that's what Lindsay Lohan would rather be doing on NYE instead of jumping off a solid gold T-Rex into a swimming pool filled with uncut blow. Of course. Staying at home with friends and family sounds just like Lindsay.

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan got paid $1M to pose in Playboy then immediately went to Hawaii to pose in a bikini for ten grand? Yeah, she's still about $390K short. Oops.

January 2007–Wonderland Rehab: $58,000
May 2007–1st DUI Arrest: $30,000 for bail
May 2007–Promises Rehab: $54,500
July 2007–2nd DUI Arrest: $25,000 for bail
October 2007–Cirque Lodge Treatment Center in Utah: $60,000 (2 months at $30,000 a month
May 2010–Failure to appear in court: $100,000 for bail
June 9, 2010–Violated probation: $200,000 for bail
August 2010–UCLA Rehab bill: $130,000
September 25, 2010–Violated probation; failed drug test: $300,000 for bail
November 2010-January 2011–Betty Ford rehab bill: $150,000
February 9, 2011–Felony Grand Theft: $20,000 for bail, $20,000 for violating parole

Just to illustrate how big of a fuck up Lindsay is, I could set a kindergarten on fire on my way to robbing a bank and decapitating the hostages, and I still wouldn't need $1.4M to get legal representation. Mostly because I'd probably be in Mexico immediately after that. Or Durham. It would be cheaper just to pay off the police there.

Wait, you mean to tell me that nobody wants to pay money to see an airbrushed drug addict with fake teeth airbrushed by Pixar? It's like I don't understand the world anymore. Fox News reports:

Amidst the holiday melee, shoppers aren’t rushing to pick up their copy of the much-talked about Lindsay Lohan issue of Playboy this week. It was one thing to see Lohan’s nude Playboy spread when it was leaked on the Internet last week. It’s another experience entirely to see the 10 pages of photos in person in the magazine, which hit newsstands Friday. But not many consumers are paying for that experience. In fact, interest seems low in seeing Lohan’s intensely air-brushed impersonation of Marilyn Monroe in glossy print...No one has bought it,” was the resounding answer to our query at each stop. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. Once the photos were leaked, the response to the spread, for which Playboy paid a reported $1 million, were lukewarm across the board. “I'm not surprised at all. Despite Playboy's hype, there was nothing particularly shocking or new about this shoot. While these shots may have been slightly closer to full frontal than Lindsay's previous shots, they weren't actually full frontal; there was also nothing particularly new about Lindsay dressing up as Marilyn Monroe,” says Lux Alptraum, editor of Fleshbot.com. “I thought the shots were really boring and didn't really live up to the promises Playboy had made," Alptraum added. "If they'd actually gotten full frontal shots of Lindsay, or come up with a fresher, more interesting concept, there might have been more demand for the photos.”

Hugh Hefner basically knew it wasn't going to sell, but he's old and senile.

In an exclusive interview with E! News Hugh Hefner himself admitted that he originally had doubts about including Lohan in the magazine and putting her on the cover. “It really came as a surprise to me," Hefner told E! "I kind of had mixed emotions about it initially, and then it turned into something bigger than life. "I wasn't quite sure where she was at in her life, obviously. It depends on whether it's Tuesday or Thursday."

I wouldn't pay Lindsay Lohan to kill herself, so I'm not sure why Playboy would pay all that when all you have to do is get on Google and type "lindsay lohan nude". Or just show up at her house with some white stuff in a ziploc bag. She'd be spreading out a tarp and pouring lube in her ass before she even realizes she just snorted flour.

Calling Lindsay Lohan a complete fuck up is like making fun of handicapped kids or Herman Cain. At some point it just gets too easy. Like yesterday, where her scheduled taping of Ellen (which was planned for months, btw) to promote her Playboy cover had to be canceled because Lindsay couldn't bother to actually be on time for her flight out of Hawaii back to LA. Radar Online reports:

In a carefully crafted statement from her rep, Lohan’s latest excuse is “Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue.” As for missing the show, the one and only interview she was going to do to promote the cover, her rep said “Lindsay offered to tape Ellen tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.”

As you read this, please keep in mind that, "Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue", is rep talk for, "Fuck dude, I don't know, blow? Probably blow. It's Lindsay. Who knows? She met a Bulgarian guy who owns a club or something? Maybe it was a Ukranian guy? To be honest I really don't remember. They found her panties behind the dumpster is really all I know at this point."

Lindsay leaving LAX yesterday where she immediately went to Kanye West's VIP afterparty. Priorities, people.

Lindsay Lohan is on vacation in Hawaii right now (on vacation from what I don't know exactly. Overseas hooking?), and as usual, it didn't take long for the local authorities to be called. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan's purse has made it back to its rightful owner safe and sound -- passport and everything -- but sources tell TMZ, the thief kept one massive jackpot ... $10,000 in cash. TMZ broke the story ... Lindsay's $5,000 Chanel purse was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party -- and inside the bag ... her passport, important probation docs, and a boatload of cash. Sources tell us, Lindsay stayed long after police left -- driving the entire party into a frenzy for hours looking for the purse -- and up until this morning, she had come up empty. But that's when one of her friend's eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. We're told the local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later ... claiming he found it on the street somewhere. We're told Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn't bother asking questions -- despite the missing $10,000.

What seems to be lost or conveniently glossed over in this story is that Lindsay took TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN CASH TO A HOUSE PARTY. Man, why would a strung out drug addict who just got a check for a million dollars take that much money to a house party. I don't want to speculate, but if this story was Jack and the Beanstalk, the beanstalk would be a mountain of blow.

Of course Lindsay Lohan's Playboy shoot immediately leaked and hit online yesterday, and since Hugh Hefner seems to be perfectly fine with that (he's releasing the issue early now), here it is (NSFW). You can look at it if you want, but please keep in mind each picture gets more desperate than the next, and apparently the only way she'll show her vagina to a camera is if she's getting out of a car.

This pic leaked yesterday and based on the emails I got, apparently a tarted up cokewhore with her legs spread on the cover of an irrelevant, dying magazine is news. So, here it is. A tarted up cokewhore with her legs spread on the cover of an irrelevant, dying magazine. I hope your world has spun back on its axis now.