Lindsay Lohan crashed a SAG afterparty at Chateau Marmont Sunday night, and long story short, she was seen going in and out of the bathroom with some dude (cocaine), slurring and stumbling (vodka), and stalking Harvey Weinstein (I'll suck your dick for a role, any role oh god please).
Radar Online reports:

"Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time,” an eyewitness told RadarOnline.com. “When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay's eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted.”...A second eyewitness tells us that Lohan, wearing a plunging v-neck black dress, sans bra, on Sunday night: "was definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point in the course of the night." A third eyewitness tells Radar: "Lindsay was sitting on a chair adjacent to Harvey Weinstein's party - his was roped off and she didn't get past the rope. So she sat on the other side looking over. She looked bedraggled and desperate."

Naturally, Lindsay now wants to sue because unsubstantiated rumors and vicious lies claiming she's a cokewhore are "sabotaging her efforts to save her career". You know, not her inability to stay away from a fucking party for once. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan says there's NO TRUTH to reports she was boozing at a SAG Awards after party this weekend ... and now, TMZ has learned, she's threatening to SUE the media outlets that published the story in the first place. A source close to the actress tells TMZ ... Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys ... because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. Lindsay acknowledges she WAS at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night ... but insists she was sitting with Alan Cummings the whole time and ONLY drank water.

As you read that, please pay close attention to the fact that Lindsay is adamant that she was drinking alcohol...and that's basically where she stops. No mention of cocaine. Not at all. Unless you got some. You got some? Just a little bump, man. C'mon. I know you got some why you don't wanna share? Just a little bit? I'll take you to the bathroom and we can talk about it. Wanna go to the bathroom with me? I'll take you to the bathroom. I know you want to. (it just goes on like that for a while until she give some dude a handjob).

Lindsay was in court yesterday for another probation report hearing, and she's all smiles here, because recently it's the only time you'll hear her name followed by the phrase "glowing reviews". So basically she just sat in the courtroom while everyone involved patted her on the head and praised her for doing the shit she's required by law to do anyway. Awesome. Why is this accepted? It's stupid. It's like me expecting a blowjob after I wash and put away the dishes. Wait, that's probably not the best analogy. No, seriously it's not. Just forget I said it, okay? LOOK I PRE-WASHED THEM BEFORE I PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER LIKE YOU SAID, RIGHT?! I EVEN PUT IT ON HEATED DRY! AND I TOTALLY SCRUBBED THAT BAKING WHATEVER THE HELL THAT THING WAS! C'mon, baby....don't be like that.

Because a ginger cokeslut with rectal bleeding and night sweats probably isn't the best choice to play a Hollywood beauty icon, Megan Fox is now being considered for the oh so coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor On the My Husband Beat Me And Somebody Stole My Identity Then My Husband Cheated On Me And I Have Multiple Personalities I Might Also Shoplift And I Was Raped Once Channel.
Hollywoodscoop reports:

Megan Fox, is reportedly also in talks to play Liz Taylor in the made-for-TV biopic. Both Megan Fox and Lindsay are shortlisted for the role, which is bad news for Lindsay, who was hoping this role would finally be her career comeback. According to Larry Thompson, the film’s producer, “I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversation with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” he tells E! News. “It’s a very serious selection. It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty,” he adds.

Free press and publicity by pulling actresses' names out of a hat is always a good thing I guess, especially for a made-for-TV movie that nobody will see, but let's get real here. This movie is on Lifetime. I'm pretty sure the "shortlist" includes Candace Cameron and Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Then Candace Cameron again.

Since the cocaine and the delusional disorder have long since taken over her brain, Lindsay Lohan truly believes she is still an A-list star and has every right to attend industry parties. By sneaking around back and commando crawling through the kitchen apparently. NYDN reports:

LINDSAY LOHAN don’t need no stinkin’ Golden Globe nomination to get her picture taken. On Wednesday the Weinstein Company hosted a pre-Globes party at the Chateau Marmont in L.A., and an insider says Lohan snuck in via the hotel’s back entrance. She then “made her way to the entrance for photo ops,” where the Weinstein firm’s Globe nominees, Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo from “The Artist” and Kenneth Branagh and Michelle Williams from “My Week With Marilyn,” were being snapped. Bradley Cooper also showed.

I've been writing about Lindsay Lohan for a quarter of her life now, and she makes it difficult for me to come up with different ways to say WTF DAMN CRACKHEAD BITCH. Mostly because there's seemingly no bottom to her depravity and psychosis. She should be a Batman villain at this point.

Wait, Lindsay Lohan is completely irresponsible? Haha get the fuck outta here! TMZ reports:

According to official documents filed in Los Angeles, the Internal Revenue Service has obtained a lien against Lohan for $93,701.57 for failure to pay her federal income tax. 2009 wasn't a very lucrative year for Lohan ... she only released one crappy made-for-TV movie, coupled with a few minor TV appearances. Now, if Lohan refuses to pay the debt ... the government can go after anything that belongs to her ... including homes, cars and bank accounts ... assuming she has any of those things.

This wouldn't be a Lindsay story if Lindsay didn't immediately give a stiff arm and throw somebody else under the bus. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan had no idea she was so deeply in the hole to Uncle Sam ... because she THOUGHT she had accountants to take care of that crap for her ... sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ...Now, sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ she was completely unaware of the problem. We're told Lindsay actually cleaned house recently and replaced most of her business team. Our sources say Lindsay believes the debt was most likely lost in the shuffle, but the issue will be handled immediately.

But wait! There's more! She's being sued. TMZ reports:

A paparazzo is suing Lindsay Lohan ... claiming he was badly injured when the car in which Lindsay was riding tried making a fast getaway from a Hollywood club and nailed him. Grigor Balyan was taking pictures of Lindsay at the time of the accident on January 10, 2010. Balyan's lawyer, Neil Steiner, tells TMZ ... Lindsay is being sued because her assistant was driving the car at her direction. Steiner says his client was medically treated for orthopedic and neurologic injuries. Steiner says he tried settling with Lindsay's insurance company but they only made "an insignificant offer." He says all he wants for his client is "reasonable compensation."

If you wake up one morning and turn on your computer and read a story about Lindsay Lohan rescuing a kitten from a tree or walking into a jewelry store and buying something then giving her change to a homeless man, walk outside immediately and look around. Obviously you're in some sort of alternate universe.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in talks to play iconic Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime: Television For Movies About Women Getting Raped And Killed movie. Yeah, okay.
THR reports:

Lindsay Lohan could go from posing as Marilyn Monroe in Playboy to playing Elizabeth Taylor for Lifetime. The actress is in early talks to play the big-screen icon in a television movie for the female-skewing cable network, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed. The project is not a new one and has been in development at Lifetime since last May. Independent producer Larry Thompson, who previously worked with the cabler on its 2010 telepic Amish Grace, is overseeing the project.

In the last three years, Lindsay Lohan has been rumored to star in or been fired from more movies (Superman: Man of Steel, Gotti: Three Generations, Lovelace) than she's actually been hired for (Machete, Labor Pains), so who knows if this will actually make it to production without Lindsay being found dead in a ditch with her panties stuffed in her mouth or at a pawn shop trying to sell one of the cameras. And Elizabeth Taylor was hot, right? That's something we can all agree on, right? So if somebody could explain why Lindsay Lohan is being considered here, I'd appreciate it. Is CGI involved? Because, let's face it, I'd rather dig up the actual Elizabeth Taylor and have sex with it than stick my dick in Lindsay Lohan wearing one of those motion capture suits.

Fun fact: Lindsay turned down the role of stripper Jade in The Hangover (role that eventually went to Heather Graham) because she said the screenplay had "no potential". The movie grossed $467M worldwide. Stay off crack, kids.

Earlier this week, Dina Lohan made a huge point to tell everyone that Lindsay would not be hosting any NYE parties because she wants to focus on her sobriety and not get arrested again, but then the very next day it was announced that Lindsay would be hosting a NYE party in Dubai with Pamela Anderson. What incredible timing! No Lindsay plans to sue over these salacious lies. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan will ring in 2012 at a RAGING PARTY in Dubai -- so says an overseas party planning company ... but TMZ has learned Lohan claims it's totally full of crap and now she's threatening legal action. Sources connected to Lohan tell us ... the actress was PISSED when she learned her name is being used to promote a massive NYE bash on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship in Dubai ... because it's simply not true. We're told Lindsay's legal team is pounding out a cease and desist letter -- claiming she's prepared to sue the pants off the party people if they continue to lie about Lohan's NYE plans. Lohan's rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ ... “Lindsay is not going to Dubai, nor had she ever considered doing so. She will be spending New Year's Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family."

Ok, I'm going to blatantly speculate on this whole thing solely based on the fact that Lindsay is a conniving drug addict who lies constantly. Ready? Lindsay agreed to host the party in Dubai and probably took a chunk of money of front, but the probation department denied her request to leave the country, so now she's "spending New Year's Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family" because that's what Lindsay Lohan would rather be doing on NYE instead of jumping off a solid gold T-Rex into a swimming pool filled with uncut blow. Of course. Staying at home with friends and family sounds just like Lindsay.

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan got paid $1M to pose in Playboy then immediately went to Hawaii to pose in a bikini for ten grand? Yeah, she's still about $390K short. Oops.

January 2007–Wonderland Rehab: $58,000
May 2007–1st DUI Arrest: $30,000 for bail
May 2007–Promises Rehab: $54,500
July 2007–2nd DUI Arrest: $25,000 for bail
October 2007–Cirque Lodge Treatment Center in Utah: $60,000 (2 months at $30,000 a month
May 2010–Failure to appear in court: $100,000 for bail
June 9, 2010–Violated probation: $200,000 for bail
August 2010–UCLA Rehab bill: $130,000
September 25, 2010–Violated probation; failed drug test: $300,000 for bail
November 2010-January 2011–Betty Ford rehab bill: $150,000
February 9, 2011–Felony Grand Theft: $20,000 for bail, $20,000 for violating parole

Just to illustrate how big of a fuck up Lindsay is, I could set a kindergarten on fire on my way to robbing a bank and decapitating the hostages, and I still wouldn't need $1.4M to get legal representation. Mostly because I'd probably be in Mexico immediately after that. Or Durham. It would be cheaper just to pay off the police there.