Yesterday was the Film Independent Spirit Awards, where The Wrestler grabbed top honors and added another Best Actor win for Mickey Rourke who will go head-to-head with Sean Penn tonight. But starting this off with tales of bloated-corpse Rourke and Sean Penn as gay activist Harvey Milk is sort of in the wrong direction.

I've collected the highlights of last night's female attendees including Jessica Alba looking like a 30-year-old babysitter, Elizabeth Banks looking kinda busted, Cameron Diaz looking like a wax-sculpture, Eliza Dushku and her round face, Lucy Liu in pink, Penelope Cruz in brown and a surprise win for hottest by re-emerging starlet Claire Danes, who manages to look better than her contemporaries, somehow. What's that girl been eating?

Although her boyfriend overdosed just over a month ago, Mary-Kate Olsen is now reportedly dating "Italian Playboy", Lapo Elkann (this smooth operator). Famous for being the heir to the $7.3 billion Fiat fortune, Elkann also spent three months in a coma after a cocaine and heroin overdose in the home of a transsexual in 2005. Star Magazine says:

Mary-Kate and Lapo seemed very cozy" while sitting next to each other at the Giambattista Valli fashion show on Feb. 28, says a source. "Lapo's a good-looking guy, and Mary-Kate seemed to love the attention she was getting from him." MK, 21, and Lapo, 30, are certainly no strangers to each other. They have been linked many times together on the international party circuit. "Perhaps, this time in Paris, they'll strike up a romance," says the source."

Most dudes aren't into Mary-Kate Olsen for the same reason they aren't into child porn, so I'm confused how she manages to convince guys to date her. Even this dork. I imagine $7.3 billion could at least buy you a chick without a training bra. Unless science discovers that Mary-Kate's vagina is made of silk and honey, I'm struggling to think of a scenario where I'd want her straddling me.

Mary-Kate at the John Galliano fashion show in Paris, March 1st:

Like in this leaked clip of Lucy Liu and the underrated Carla Gugino in Rise: The Blood Hunters, lesbians are sexy even when they're covered in blood. In reality, most lesbians have mullets and fanny packs and wear NBA jerseys. In Hollywood, they wear school girl outfits and thongs. Next door, they're having a Wiccan ceremony and asking me to recycle. On set, they're having pillow fights and bathing each other. If I saw a vampire and a chick in jean shorts with a tattoo on her neck walking toward me, I wouldn't know who to stake in the heart first.


Carla Gugino by request:

Labels: carla gugino, lucy liu