We're getting some hate mail from Mariah Carey fans, so I'm chiming in to defend Todd here. C'mon now. Mariah is, uh, just a tad nuts and hasn't fully recovered since her ice cream stripper episode on TRL years ago. You have to admit she was a much better singer before the nose jobs and the multiple plastic surgeries (see above).

Regarding the comparisons of her to Mees Cddrrristina and Queen Ce-leh Di-oh, you be the judge. They're all good, but none of the aforementioned can compare to me singing in the shower and me singing when I'm vacuuming. Oh, and let's not even get me started on when I'm singing with headphones while I'm using my jackhammer. The sirens from the ambulances are musical accompaniment, the flatlines are persistent applause, and ...................




'tis the season, baby

Other than showing up with 27 bags of luggage and making the contestants wait three hours to meet her, Mariah Carey was a celebrity guest on the British show, X Factor, this weekend, and gave what some are calling the worst performance of her career. Mariah Carey has the voice of an angel, so "worst" is relative here, but the beginning did sort of sound like baby ducks being thrown in an oven. And although I'm not quite sure what that sounds like, I'm pretty sure it might sound better than the first 1:28 of this video.

Mariah and her bitch leaving the Dorchester Hotel in London:

I really hope you didn't think Mariah Carey wasn't going as anything else other than something with the word "slutty" in front of it for Halloween, because, if you did, you're kinda dumb. Being slutty is Mariah Carey's thing. I appreciate the fact that her interpretation of a fireman wears lip gloss and a garter belt, but I wonder what can she tell me about house evacuation plans or the most effective way to install a smoke alarm? Shame on you, Mariah. Shame. On. You.

Mariah Carey is annoying and borderline insane, but the crazy bitch does have a sick body, so if you're looking for somebody with huge tits and need for attention to put in a see through shirt and tiny shorts for your rap video, you should probably move Mariah Carey to the top of your list.

Mariah Carey and her pancake ass threw out the first pitch at a baseball game in Tokyo yesterday. For what exactly, I have no idea. Do Japanese people even listen to R&B? I don't think so. The girls at the massage parlor prefer a cool blend of rock hits from the '80s, '90s and today. Especially the one-hour commercial free rock blocks. "It now commuhsha fwee, numbah 1 G.I.!" they are fond of telling me.


Uncoordinated update: Mariah Carey is bringing the heat!

Last week, it was announced that Shania Twain, 42, and her producer husband, Mutt Lange, 59, had split after 14 years of marriage. In an exclusive on Friday, Lange told People that this split occurred because the couple grew apart. He forgot to mention he was banging his secretary. People reports:

What caused the sudden breakup of Shania Twain and her husband, music producer Robert "Mutt" Lange, after 14 years of marriage?...sources close to the situation say a third party was involved: Marie Ann Thiebaud, a longtime secretary and manager of the couple's chateau in Switzerland. "Mutt and Marie Ann left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship," says one source...An insider says the "You're Still the One" singer is "devastated. This came out of left field...She loved him."

Unless this Marie Ann Thiebaud chick was created in a lab using the DNA of the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad, I think Mutt Lange and I will agree that this probably wasn't the greatest idea in the world.

Being married to Mariah Carey seems fun. Page Six says:

Mariah Carey's new husband was trying to have a boys' weekend at Saturday's opening of the MGM Grand at Foxwoods with pals Sean Combs and Quincy Jones when he got a call from Carey. "He was summoned home by her at 1 in the morning," a source said. "He didn't look happy about it." A rep for Carey didn't return calls.

When you Google "Nick Cannon" the first image that comes up is of Mariah Carey, so that's pretty much tells you all you need to know about this relationship. To save himself some trouble, Nick Cannon should shrink himself and just get inside Mariah's purse. When asked for comment, Mariah said, "Whutisssshhhhhhh!"

Some old pics of Mariah Carey in a see-through dress because they were in our inbox. Thanks Jake!

There are rumors that this whole thing might be an elaborate hoax, but until that comes out, Nick Cannon's family has confirmed that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were secretly married at Carey's home in the Bahamas earlier this week. Boy, they sound really excited. Us Magazine says:

Family member Linda Cannon told E! that Nick called her with the good news. "Yes, we know. He called us and told us all about it," she said. "We are happy for him. If that is what he wants, then we are happy for him." She added, "I'm not going to give you any details, but we are happy for him."

Friends of Carey are also confirming the marriage, oh yeah, and the fact that there was no prenup. Yikes. The New York Post reports:

Everyone is happy to see her happy," Carey's friend told The Post. "And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced. Maybe this is true, instant love." Not everyone is so over the moon. "There was no prenup - there wasn't time," said another worried source."

I couldn't recognize Nick Cannon if he was standing next to a Nick Cannon poster, but I guess I should congratulate him for snagging a hot multi-millionaire piece of ass like Mariah Carey. Now that he has found love, maybe I should get in touch with him to learn his secret. I'm ready to open my heart, but my mother says I shouldn't. She says it's because I am such a handsome boy and no girl will ever love me like she does.


Photos: Splash