"I was a white rapper and I played a boxer one time. Shit woulda got real, son. See how I hold this Sharpie like a weapon?"

In an interview in the February 2012 issue of Men's Jounal, Mark Wahlberg says he would have prevented 9/11 by simply being on the plane. Yes. You read that right.

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Everyone just let that sink in for a moment while I tell you about the time I saw Mark Wahlberg at ArcLight. He's like 5'10" in stilts. The only blood that would have been in that first-class cabin would have been from his aorta and his tears. Because I'm sure his terrorist survivor skills he learned getting a pedicure in the makeup trailer and complaining that there's no soy milk at the craft services table would have made Islamic extremists on a suicide pact think twice before they crossed the guy from the underwear ads. Oh, no. Not him. Fuck that shit. I mean, I love Allah and errrything but you didn't tell us that wigger from MTV's Beach House was gonna be here.

Mark Wahlberg attended the L.A. premiere of The Fighter last night, and as you can see, he really trained hard to play former lightweight champion, "Irish" Micky Ward. I really don't know the story, but IMDB tells me it's an "against-all-odds comeback story of redemption". Man, this sounds great. It'll be cool to see how somebody goes from making toys at the North Pole to being a professional boxer. What a remarkable story!

If you had four garden gnomes and stacked three on top of each other, Mark Wahlberg might be able to reach to put the fourth one on top, but apparently playing a boxer makes him think he could actually beat the greatest fighter of the last ten years.
TMZ reports:

Wahlberg was on the "Dan Patrick Show" this morning -- where he revealed that he "clocked" a guy in a L.A. nightclub recently ... and "fish hooked" some guy's eye socket during a rumble at a Patriots-Jets football game a few years ago. Crazy violent stuff. (Audio here) But the most shocking part -- Wahlberg, who trained as a boxer for his new movie "The Fighter" -- thinks he could K.O. Manny Pacquiao ... if he could land a suckerpunch to the side of his head. Wahlberg explains, "If I can choke him and wrestle him than that's it ... but I don't want to be, you know, getting picked apart by him ... that's not a good call."

I don't know if the makeup guy on set gave him some poison foundation that fucked with his brain or what, but Floyd Mayweather, Jr. won't even fight this guy. And people who fight Mayweather need GPS to find their corners after the first round. Maybe Wahlberg thought Dan Patrick asked him about Handy Manny, I don't know. I've taken Krav Maga for a long time now, and the only way I'd get in a ring with Manny Pacquiao is if I had a pet dragon with lasers for eyes or we were at the circus.

Mark Wahlberg is a notorious jackass, so of course he couldn't help himself when he was asked about Kate Moss and their famous 1992 Calvin Klein ads in an interview with Nuts Magazine. The Sun reports:

"It was OK. I wasn't into the waif thing. She [Kate Moss] kind of looked like my nephew. I mean she's beautiful - she's a very pretty nephew - but I'm more into curvy women."

It's hard not to argue with Mark Wahlberg, I guess. Especially since Kate Moss looks like she should be dancing on a table with a top hat and umbrella explaining to Pinocchio about a good conscience.


Not looking a nephew, here's Lucy Pinder in this week's issue of Nuts Magazine. Ta-dow! NSFW:

Mark Wahlberg made his guest appearance on SNL this weekend (as telegraphed) , and boy was it hilarious. He basically did everything Samberg did in the first skit, except with way more awkward wooden line delivery and less animals. Man, what a riot! The only thing could be funnier than listening to Marky Mark recite lines would be Frankenstein reading a recipe.

Mark arriving at the Jimmy Kimmel Live! taping last week:


Photos: Splash

Mark Wahlberg says the same things to me while we're having sex, and so what if our chicken is there while we're doing it? Who are you to criticize? Is your chicken as camera friendly? Are you picking my hair out of your clothes on Kimmel? No. Envy is a sin, my friends.

Thanks, Ginny!

Andy Samberg did a sketch two weeks ago on SNL called, "Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals." Mark Wahlberg was not pleased. In a Q&A with the New York Post, Wahlberg says:

"Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now."

Ah, I see. So it's cool to make fun of other people, but it becomes a problem when it's about you. Maybe you should lighten the hell up. Or maybe you should try an acting class. That might help. Especially since a BB gun has more range than you, jackass.