Reports are all over the place today that Macaulay Culkin, yes Macaulay Culkin, is the biological father of Prince Michael II. But you may now him by his even gayer name - Blanket. The Sun reports:

One source said: "It is well known Jackson and Macaulay shared a unique bond. "Now rumours are spreading like wildfire that Macaulay, who Jackson nicknamed Mack, is actually Blanket's biological dad." Fevered speculation gripped the US after repeated claims that a "well-known Hollywood actor" donated the sperm for Blanket. Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his "perfect" family. The source added: "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father." So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. "But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. "Really, Jackson idolised him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. "Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing."

I don't know, this kid kinda looks like Mowgli, so I'd really like to see the mother. Because as insane as every Michael Jackson story is, there's a chance that she might be an actual human, but there's a good chance that it was something Michael Jackson summoned from blood and clay while wearing a bull head mask and sacrificing a baby goat.

Elisha Cuthbert and Culkin's girlfriend in Maxim:

It's hard to imagine that a drug addict's death would be ruled as a homicide after he overdosed, but the Los Angeles Coroner's office has did just that. And of course, they're blaming Jackson's doctor. TMZ reports:

Michael Jackson had lethal levels of Propofol in his system when he died, this according to a search warrant affidavit filed in Houston. Dr. Conrad Murray told cops he had been treating Jackson for 6 weeks for insomnia -- giving him 50 milligrams of Propofol every night through an IV. Murray told cops he feared Jackson was getting addicted so he reduced the dosage to 25 mg. The morning Jackson died, Dr. Murray gave Jackson valium at 1:30 AM. Murray said the valium didn't work so he gave the singer an IV injection of lorazepam -- an anti-anxiety drug. Murray told cops Jackson was still awake, so he then gave him midazolam -- a sedative. Murray gave Jackson more drugs. He says at 10:40 AM, he administered 25 mg of Propofol. Dr. Murray told cops Jackson repeatedly demanded the drug. As we first reported, cops found 8 bottles of Propofol in Jackson's house after he died, but they do not know where it was purchased.

Whatever. When you have a dessert tray of prescription narcotics and surgical anesthesia by your bed to help you "sleep", it's not that far of a reach to think that one day you might, oh I don't know, fucking die. Unless you're destroying Tokyo or live on Skull Island, there's no way in hell you need this much drugs to fall asleep. If you want put me to sleep, all you gotta do is give me a blowjob and turn on Grey's Anatomy for five minutes. It'll be like the Hulk put in a sleeper hold.

People has a timeline of his final hours here. In his last eight hours he took six different drugs to "help him sleep".

UPDATE: Although his net worth at the time of his death was $1,360,839,979 (with $1,150,000,000 coming from the Beatles catalog) Michael Jackson had only $668,215 of actual cash in the bank (.05% of his networth).

You can read 13 pages of the unsealed search warrant below. If you're upset that you can't read more, then maybe you should try having friends.

It has been revealed that Michael Jackson had two secret email accounts, one AOL and one with Gmail, that he used to buy prescription drugs illegally. I don't know if you Michael Jackson fans have picked up on this yet, but he might have had a drug problem. Showbiz Spy reports:

...police on Sunday said they had only recently discovered the tragic King of Pop kept accounts with AOL and Google’s Gmail. “The email accounts could hold vital evidence with regard to Michael’s death and the drugs he was using regularly,” a source told the tabloid. “Not only did he get prescription drugs through a network of doctors, it’s believed he may also have got them from illegal websites or drug cartels. The LAPD has to get a search warrant first and this takes a few days.

I'm not even going to begin to think about what it would have been like to get high with Michael Jackson. Fuck that. I couldn't hang. I'd walk into his house and twenty minutes later I'd be sliding down a rainbow or flying through space on the back of an elderly Mexican dragon while he taught me life lessons through song and magic. Then I'd wake up covered in blood six counties over in a ditch wearing pool floaties and a Viking helmet.

Again, I have no idea what Gemma Atkinson's tits have to do with this story, but it was either this or pictures of a 50-year old guy whose been dead for two months. You can see where I might not have struggled with that decision:

Because sixty days apparently isn't enough time to bury somebody, Joe Jackson says his son's burial has been postponed two days. TMZ reports:

Michael Jackson's burial is being postponed two days, according to his dad. Joe Jackson tells TMZ the burial has been pushed to August 31, because there are things the family needs to get in order before Michael is laid to rest. Jackson was scheduled to be buried on August 29, what would have been his 51st birthday.

Even though I have no issue calling Michael Jackson a drug-addict child molester, you'd think his father would at least show his own kid some dignity after his death that he never showed him in life. He's dead. Time to let it go. I'm mean, it's not like it would be hard. He's probably a puddle of anesthesia and hair relaxer by now. It's not like drain cleaner is that expensive.

Entertainment Tonight ran a story eight days ago called "Confirmed: Michael Jackson Laid to Rest". Well, apparently that was news to Joe Jackson, because he says Michael will be buried in Los Angeles on August 29th (the singer's birthday). New York Daily News reports:

The King of Pop will finally be laid to rest. Or so says his dad. Michael Jackson will be buried in Forest Lawn Cemetery in Los Angeles at 10 a.m. on Aug. 29 on what would have been the King of Pop's 51st birthday, Joe Jackson told Steve Friess, the Daily News' man in Las Vegas. The elder Jackson indicated that the burial plans had been made final just in the past few days. He discussed the burial over ribs and jalapeño corn bread at the poolside Simon at Palms Place at the Palms hotel and casino.

Please keep in mind that Michael Jackson died on June 25th. June. The 25th. What the fuck are they doing, an alien autopsy? Why is this shit taking 60 days? I don't keep milk in my refrigerator this long. Do they think he's gonna rise from the dead? Because if he does, I can only assume being a reanimated corpse carrying a monkey in a diaper and a bag of candy might not be that inviting to little boys.

In a deal that was reached early this morning, Michael Jackson's mother, 79-year old Katherie Jackson, has been awarded fully custody of his three "children". People reports:

"There is no situation better for these children than for them to be raised and reared in the loving care of Mrs. Katherine Jackson," L. Londell McMillan said. He added that the issue of Debbie Rowe, who is the mother of two of the children – Prince Michael I, 12, and Paris, 11 – will be detailed in an announcement to come shortly. As for speculation that the King of Pop left his family with more debt than money, McMillan said there's no reason for the children or his mother to worry about going broke.

I much as I hated the monster Michael Jackson had become and the monster Joe Jackson has always been, I have never read or heard a single bad word about Katherine Jackson. The only thing she has ever been guilty of is playing the demure silent wife, but it's obvious that she was the only one to ever truly love Michael. So hopefully his kids will experience the same unconditional love for once in their lives. After all, no matter who their father is, they're kids. They deserve to have the childhood their father never had. And, yes. I wasn't a complete jackass in this post. Don't get used to it.

When someone dies who has touched so many young lives (tee hee hee), many refuse to believe that person died because he was degenerate drug addict, but rather forces were plotting against him. If you hadn't picked up on it yet, I'm talking about Michael Jackson. TMZ reports:

Multiple law enforcement sources tell TMZ the LAPD is already treating Michael Jackson's death as a homicide, and they are focusing on Dr. Conrad Murray. Law enforcement sources tell us the evidence points to the anesthesia Propofol as the primary cause of Jackson's death. As we first reported, vials of Propofol were found in Jackson's home after he died. Law enforcement sources say there is already "plenty of powerful evidence" linking Dr. Murray as the person who administered the drug to Jackson. The evidence includes various items found in Jackson's house, including the Propofol, an IV stand and oxygen tank. Dr. Murray's lawyer would neither confirm nor deny if his client administered the Propofol. And we've learned the LAPD has had "multiple conversations" with the L.A. County District Attorney's office, although the case has not been formally presented to the D.A.

Really? Murder? Did this dude have Michael Jackson tied to a chair with toothpicks under his eyelids while he was shooting him up? That doesn't seem likely. What does seem likely, however, is that the doctor probably had to pace around the foyer until Michael Jackson finished masturbating to Go Diego Go.

Once widely considered an accidental overdose that sent Michael Jackson into cardia arrest, authorities are now waiting to treat this is a possible homicide. DUN! DUN! DUN!CNN reports:

The family is aware of a potential criminal prosecution," the source, who did not want to be identified, said. The comments came on the same day that Los Angeles Police Chief William Bratton said detectives were awaiting the coroner's report to decide whether to proceed with the investigation as a homicide or an accidental overdose. Bratton said detectives have spoken to a number of doctors who have treated Jackson over the years and are looking into the singer's prescription drug history. "We are still awaiting corroboration from the coroner's office as to cause of death. That is going to be very dependent on the toxicology reports that are due to come back," Bratton told CNN. "And based on those, we will have an idea of what it is we are dealing [with]: are we dealing with a homicide or are we dealing with accidental overdose?" Doctors who did not cooperate with investigators were issued subpoenas, another source told CNN Thursday. If needed, authorities will issue more, the source said. Bratton also said investigators are being assisted by agents from the Drug Enforcement Administration and the state attorney general's office on a case that he called "a comprehensive set of inquiries." "At the time of the death with search warrants, we were able to seize a number of items from the residence where the death occurred and those will assist in the investigation," he said.

I wouldn't put anything past the sycophants Michael Jackson surrounded himself with or his fucked up family, so who knows if he was murdered or not. A drug addict worth more than God can attract a lot of opportunistic people. Jermaine Jackson performs at turkey shoots and God knows what little kid may have grown up and remembered being fondled one too many time on the ferris wheel. Or Was it Colonel Mustard in the study with a gun? Or Miss Scarlet in the billiard room with the rope? It's not just a board game anymore!

More fun Michael Jackson drug facts: He took 10 Xanax a night. I bet something like a murder plot wouldn't get past this guy!

Again, I have no idea what Kelly Brook and her insane rack have to do with Michael Jackson other than the fact that it has nothing to do with Michael Jackson: