Miley Cyrus performed a concert in Louisville last week, and it's nice to see that all the 11-year old girls and their moms had something positive and uplifting to talk about their way home. Mostly about not being a whore.

Miley Cyrus is 16 and dresses like a Thai prostitute on stage and just ended a nine month relationship with a 22-year old dude in June, so you'd think Billy Ray Cyrus would pull in the reins on his 9-year old daughter, Noah. Um, no. Because this is what she wore to the Dream Halloween event yesterday. This. To reiterate, she is fucking nine. I have no idea what goes on at this event, but I assume they put roofies in the juiceboxes and Roman Polanski sang karaoke to "PYT" and passed out ice cream cones at some point.

There's a lot of hot Southern chicks in bikinis at my building's pool right now, but I'm here on my couch writing about some dorky, teen Disney chick in a bikini filming some movie that I'll never see. Have you ever laid awake at night and wondered why God hates you? Yeah, I do that a lot. Good lookin' out, God! Appreciate it!

Enjoy, you pervert:

The authorities may get here while I'm typing this, but here's 16 year old Miley Cyrus in the Bahamas in a bikini. Yeah, so....um....uhh.....* Puts hands in pockets and kicks dirt around with foot *....so, uh, you think Kobe and LeBron will meet in the finals this year?

Miley Cyrus is recording in a studio somewhere now that her press tour for the Hanna Montana Movie seems to have ended. And whatever is happening in her life right now, it looks like pony-tailed boyfriend Justin Gaston is getting the brunt of this talking to.

Maybe Justin cheated on her. With Jesus. And she's not mad at him, just disappointed.

I don't know what gay dude put her in this frumpy mess, but Katy Perry was in Barbados with Rihanna this week in what I guess can be classified as a bikini. Please keep in mind that Katy Perry normally looks like this in a bikini, so you can see how this could be disappointing. I showed my penis these and he did that thing where you cross your arms and shake your head. Then he stomped off upstairs, questioning everything he once thought was true.

This is going to sound way creepier than it should be, but if Disney really wants me to care about a movie about a teenage millionaire's problems and her journey of self-discovery that ends in a montage and a power ballad, they should at least make the chick hot. Miley Cyrus is almost comically uanttractive and no matter how many times they tell her to stop, she insists on doing stuff like this and this. God knows why this dumb hillbilly is Disney's sacred cow. Especially when the jailbait tiara and Best Achievement in Uncomfortable Erections award clearly goes to Selena Gomez. But don't take my word for it. A critic from The Pedophile Journal-Constitution writes, "If you only masturbate to one underage girl this year, make that girl Selena Gomez!"

(btw, sorry about the lack of posts yesterday. I must have contracted ebola or been bitten by a zombie, because that's the only way to describe how I'm feeling right now)

A long-winded intro will just get in the way, so here's a clip of Jamie Foxx absolutely destroying Miley Cyrus on his Sirius Radio show. I don't know if it's illegal to tell a 16 year old girl to do heroin and make a sex tape or not, but somebody should probably let Jamie Foxx know if it is. Oh, and me, too. I mean, I sit in the high school parking lot everyday after school, but when the girls walk by they just run away! I'm beginning to think they just see me as more of a friend and want me to play tag. Everybody loves to play tag!!


UPDATE: Foxx has now apologized. Kinda.

"I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don't mean any of it," he tried to explain to Jay. "And sometimes, as comedians, as we do, we go a little bit too far... There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn't mean it maliciously."