Miranda Kerr attended the Hug Award Gala in NYC, and I have no idea what that is, but if she's giving out mouth hugs, then maybe I should look it up. You know, for charity. That's really what I'm about. Giving back to the community and to those less fortunate. But most importantly, blowjobs.

By the way, who is this blonde chick(?) and why would she want to pose with a Victoria's Secret model? I don't know how much she spent on that dress and her hair, but she knows it was never going to be enough, right? Miranda Kerr could have a wooden leg and tentacles for hands and still be the hottest thing in these pictures.

NOTE: My man Paul Heyman over at Heyman Hustle has has some exclusives of Miranda Kerr here. They make my penis cry.

The homepage has been a gallery of fug for way too long so Miranda Kerr is here to help with that. She was doing a VS photoshoot in Sydney yesterday, so that make explain why my penis woke me up in the middle of the night and tapped me on the shoulder. He knew, man. He knew...

Although the POTC franchise has made over $2.6B worldwide, Orlando Bloom has turned down a chance to reprise his role of Will Turner in the upcoming fourth installment of the franchise. Why? He has a good reason. The Daily Mail reports:

Actor Orlando Bloom has ruled himself out of another episode of high-jinks on the high seas for successful film franchise Pirates Of The Caribbean. Primarily because the romantic star did not want to leave stunning girlfriend Miranda Kerr. A source told the New of the World: 'Orlando loved the films but thinks it’s time to bow out because they tied up nicely for his character Will Turner. 'The producers are OK with that because they want to concentrate on the new adventures of Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow.' It was recently reported that Bloom and Kerr had been looking at buying a $13 million Malibu home together. The couple looked so in love and so relaxed,' a source told X17 Online. 'They seem so happy together - a perfect match. You could see Miranda getting all dreamy-eyed when they looked at this house.

They seem so in love, you know, except for the part where he's basically forcing her to marry him:

There are also rumours that the pair plan to wed, with Bloom having given his other half an ultimatum. She has already twice turned down his marriage proposals, but he plans to ask her again this summer. A source told the Mail on Sunday earlier this month: ‘He has told her he wants to marry her and will propose again this summer. If she says no, he’s said it will be over.’

So to reiterate, she says she in love with him, he's asked her to marry him twice, she's said no twice, so now he's giving her an ultimatum. Yeah, that'll work. There's nothing a girl loves more than being forced to make a decision. That's why I'll probably never get married. Look, Marisa Miller, you're hot and all, but what does everything have to be about you??

Miranda Kerr at the ESPYs. God. Damn.:

Yeah, I know her face kinda looks like a Cabbage Patch doll and she's dating Orlando Bloom, but make no mistake, I'd split Miranda Kerr's little ass like firewood. In case you didn't know, those panties in the banner picture are like my kryptonite and any chick who wears them around me might as well be Professor X because I'm pretty sure they could get me to do whatever they wanted. But right now, I'm more concerned about how tiny Miranda Kerr is. It makes me wonder how we're actually gonna have sex. Since my penis is so extraordinarily huge they might have to lower her down on it in a harness like they did that cow over the velociraptor cage.

I guess Orlando Bloom thinks he's cool because he's on a yacht grinding on a Victoria's Secret model's ass, but when he twisted off his bottle cap this morning did he win a free Mt. Dew? No, I don't think so. You know who did? Me. That's right Orlando, I'm the big winner!

It goes without saying that Miranda Kerr is a piece of ass, but do all gay fashion guys have to look like Christian Siriano? I hate to sound like a prick here, but the only way he could be any gayer if he had fairy wings and a sparkly magic wand. Look, I'm trying to support gay marriage here. But when I see you in a parade wearing a pink tube top and twirling a baton, you can see how that would make me feel a little uncomfortable about my decision.

With the number of Miranda Kerr bikini shots I've been seeing on this site and around the web, the addition of these bra shots seems to suggest that Miranda Kerr needs some money to buy more shirts.

With this economy the way it is, I'm glad our nation's models have made the ultimate clothing sacrifice. Now, if the DOW just does poorly enough that they can't afford bras, we're on our way.

Personally, I gave up my porn subscriptions for the recession and gave up worrying about the recession for Lent, so I'm solid and will see you at the AssIsAss.com forums.

If I was Superman, skinny white girls with brown hair would be by kryptonite. Also, if I was Superman, I wouldn't be afraid to get on roller coasters or scared of someone turning off my night light. My grandma says it's because I'm such a sensitive boy.