On of Oprah's ex-lovers (I know, I was equally surprised they existed), is shopping around a tell-all book about the chat queen that features a startling revelation: Oprah Winfrey hit the crack pipe as recently as 1984.

Chicago businessman Randolph Cook, makes the stunning disclosure that the talk queen resumed her cocaine habit during their secret affair which began in 1984. Cook, 51, also claims the media mogul taught him how to smoke crack cocaine, and the two "freebased" the drug regularly during their passionate six-month romance and the talk show titan "was still under the influence while doing her show."

This is probably really messing with Carson Daly, who has always pitched his show as "Oprah on crack," and now has to pitch it as "Geraldo on Mescaline."

Wildfires are burning the crap out of Santa Barbara and Montecito, California right now. Places like homes, school dorms, and monasteries are toast, but never you fear, your favorite celebrity homes are still intact. Why? They have their own private little fire departments to protect their estates. Are they sharing their precious water with their peasant neighbors? Click the pictures below for your answer.

I'm convinced Oprah is that guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the guy who guarded the Bridge of Death. If you try to cross the Montecito bridge and don't answer these questions three correctly, Oprah sets fire to you and casts you into the canyon of doom.

Answer key: YES, Oprah is God, NO, Oprah is not a lesbian, YES, Oprah is God.



Photos: Splash

Edit: Thanks to those of you who reminded me goat horns guy wasn't the bridgekeeper. I am so very ashamed.

Dear Rob Lowe...

In a not at all obvious coincidence, actress and ex-wife of Eddie Van Halen, Valerie Bertinelli, will appear on Monday's Oprah on the same day her tell all book, Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time, hits stores. In the juicest gossip of 1984, Bertinelli will reveal that she cheated on her ex-husband of 24 years and that she snorted cocaine. ETonline says:

...Oprah asks, "So you got married?" And Valerie responds, "And passed out in the honeymoon suite." Valerie also tells the talk show queen: "I cheated, too. He claims to this day that I cheated first, but I don't know. I don't know about the timing."

Man, that's some shocking news. Almost as shocking as marrying a rockstar and not understanding why it didn't work out. Because if I was Eddie Van Halen and this was 1983, I'm sure my daily planner would include scheduled times for throwing up blood and waking up on top of a pair of 18 year old twins.

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