Pam Anderson was in Paris walking at the Vivienne Westwood show, which I knew about. So, I figured I'd check out the pictures, then - BAM! - I was running to the bathroom sink and pouring Draino on my eyes. If it weren't for the raised dots on my F and J keys, I'd probably be unable to work after seeing the mutated Raisinette that had partially melted across the front of Pam's breasts.

Seriously, there is something wrong with that nipple. It's like the boob itself is looking down in shame.

Pamela Anderson modeled for the Richie Rich show during Fashion Week, and I haven't see their profit graph yet, but I bet it's almost reached space by now. It has to be, because nothing makes me want to buy a bedazzled one piece more than a delusional middle-aged chick with Hep C. Jesus, nobody wants to see this. It's embarrassing. Pamela Anderson used to be one of the hottest POA on earth, now she looks like something the government has under quarantine. If she wants to be in a fashion show so bad, I wish she'd just do it when she comes to life after the museum closes. I think I speak for everyone when I say that would probably be ideal.

Pam Anderson is on the beach, which I would have been WAY more into 5 years ago. Site NSFW [DrunkenStepfather]

J.Lo does Inauguration as only JLo can, in a gaudy way. [LaineyGossip]

Award for my bad: Marisa Miller nipple slip. [Egotastic]

Busted-ass celeb of the day? Eva Longoria and her poor hat choice. [HollywoodTuna]

Get the F*CK out of Julia Roberts' face. [SocialiteLife]

Kelly Osbourne was busted for assault [PinkIsTheNewBlog]

Suri Cruise seems to like New York. I would two if I was an alien hybrid. [CityRag]

Illusionist Hans Klok opened his Amsterdam show last night, and as usual, he had Pamela Anderson prancing around in a bathing suit. I didn't go to illusionist school, but it seems like getting the stacked blonde's ass to not look like my grandma's might be a trick Hans would want to learn.

What's the proper attire to wear to an art gallery event you may ask? Why a t-shirt and panties of course! FOX News says:

"It's one thing to party in just your panties and a shirt if you're Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, but as a 41-year-old mama of two young boys isn't it time Pamela Anderson learned to dress appropriately? The former "Baywatch" babe raised plenty of eyebrows on Saturday afternoon when she showed up to an Uber-posh art gallery event as part of Art Basel Miami Beach looking like she just rolled out-of-bed. Pamela donned only a pair of black and orange underpants with an off-the-shoulder shirt, topped off with a woolly beanie over her unbrushed blonde locks."

Jesus, can't this chick just put on some clothes on and stay home already? Nobody wants to see this. Everybody knows what's between your legs, Pamela. And I'm sorry to tell you, but vaginal ointment isn't as sexy as you obviously think it is.

Illiana Douglas' message for the paps [Dlisted]
Christina Aguilera is a clown in leggings [Hollywood Tuna]
Michelle Williams opens up about Heath Ledger [Popsugar]
Lenny Kravitz's NYC sex pad [City Rag]
Akon likes sluts [Hollywood Rag]
Pamela Anderson is a naked mess (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Nicole Richie is the gross middle of a douche sandwich [Just Jared]
Winona Ryder is still on drugs [Lainey Gossip]
Victoria Silvstedt still has boobies (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Jennifer Hawkins and her groovy curves [Popoholic]
Kelly Brook posing in some magazine I've never heard of [Egotastic]
Where the Hell is Buffy When You Need Her? (Twilight) [Pajiba]

What...in...the...hell...Mirror UK reports:

The odd couple seem to have bonded over their love of plastic surgery and have been hooking up in Malibu. We hear the big-boobed babe is a massive fan of Michael... and it seems the feeling is mutual. A source said: "It was all arranged by their people in total secrecy, very cloak and dagger. Michael is such a private person. He gets nervous when he thinks people are following him around, so he chose somewhere neutral for their first date. "They arrived separately at the Shutters Hotel on Malibu Beach so no one would suspect anything and then had a few drinks in the bar." The pair requested a hidden area in the corner - for two reasons. Firstly, it shielded them from any prying eyes. And second, it would have protected them from the dangerous melting effects of the Californian sunshine. After all, there's a fine line between looking hot and having a runny, bubbling face. Our source went on: "They were very chatty. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off." So much so Michael plucked up the courage to ask Pammy out on a second date. And she was more than happy to accept. We're told: "They went for a coffee at Country Mart in Malibu and looked very comfortable with each other. "They chatted about Michael turning 50, his new album, their kids. And he seemed genuinely interested in Pamela."

This has to be some kind of mistake. Pedophiles hate stacked blondes with gigantic implants. If Michael Jackson touched a pair of tits, there's a good chance he would either crumble to dust or turn into a pillar of salt.

Jennifer Ellison is topless in Nuts [Hollywood Tuna]
Drew Barrymore is single again [Dlisted]
Charlize Theron plastic surgery questions [City Rag]
Dita Von Teese is poker pretty [Just Jared]
Kate Moss runs away from her man [Hollywood Rag]
Christian Bale bares all for GQ [Popsugar]
Elisabetta Canalis in a bikini (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Ashlee Simpson has nipples (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Mya is at the beach [Egotastic]
Pete Wentz speaks baby [ASL]
Gillian Anderson is out of this world [Popoholic]
Reality TV Friendship [College Humor]

Pamela Anderson at her 41st b-day party (with Douche Angel) in Las Vegas, July 5th: