*Updated, see below

Paris Hilton will be present via telephone in a Los Angeles court today as she listens to City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo argue that Sheriff Lee Baca should be held in contempt of court after violating Judge Sauer's May 4, 2007 order which specifically stated "no electronic monitoring." If the judge agrees, the clouds will part and Paris Hilton's scrawny ass will be sent back to jail:

What transpired here is outrageous," county Supervisor Don Knabe told The Associated Press, adding he received more than 400 angry e-mails and hundreds more phone calls from around the country. Hilton's return home "gives the impression of ... celebrity justice being handed out," he said. Baca dismissed the criticism, saying the decision was made based on medical advice. "It isn't wise to keep a person in jail with her problem over an extended period of time and let the problem get worse," Baca told the Los Angeles Times on Thursday. "My message to those who don't like celebrities is that punishing celebrities more than the average American is not justice," Baca said."

And remember, the judge hearing the case this morning is none other than Judge Sauer. So by this time tomorrow, Paris should be in her cell balled up in a corner and Sheriff Lee Baca should be working security at Barnes & Noble.


Source

Update: TMZ is reporting there is a court battle going on right now over whether or not Paris should be allowed to appear via telephone or forced to appear in court today. We'll update with their decision.

Awesome new update!: Fox News is reporting Judge Sauer is furious and decided Paris will not be allowed to phone in to court. The judge ordered the sherrif's office to go to Paris Hilton's home now and pick her up and escort her to court. - J

Watch the FOX News live feed here.

Update: In case you're not watching the live feed, as of 9:46 a.m. Pacific, the sheriff's office is still waiting at Paris Hilton's home to escort her to court. Tick tock. - J

Update: As of 10:13 a.m., the courtroom is still waiting for Paris Hilton to arrive for a hearing which was scheduled to begin over an hour ago. Smoke is reported to have been seen shooting out of the judge's ears. - J

TMZ is now reporting the "medical reason" which allowed Paris Hilton to be released from jail 20 days early was due to her psychiatrist telling law enforcement officials that Paris may have a nervous breakdown. Yes, I said "may":

Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk. The reason for releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was purely in her head."

So, she didn't even have a nervous breakdown? She just cried for two days? Yeah California legal system, that sounds like a completely reasonable scenario to let a drunk driver out of jail. There's nothing worse than almost thinking that you might have a nervous breakdown. Well, maybe a papercut. Man, those really hurt!

TMZ just posted the following:

UPDATE: Law enforcement sources have just told TMZ the County Jail medical team made the final decision to spring Paris based on Dr. Sophy's psychological evaluation. And we're told, Sheriff Lee Baca gave the final approval."

In news that will make you rethink your stance on hate crimes, Paris Hilton has been released from jail. Yes, your math is right. She was released after only three days of her already shortened sentence. TMZ reports:

Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning. She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of three days. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department will hold a news conference in an hour to discuss what went down."

Well, I guess there's that then. Paris' big debt to society was paid by going to timeout for three days. I'm sured she learned her lesson. Her lesson that taught her that when you break the law repeatedly that there might be a slight chance that you could be inconvenienced. Law enforcement personnel couldn't be reached because they were busy jumping in the piles of money.

Update: Paris has has been put under house arrest. Authorities say she was released due to "medical reasons."

A more depressing update: Watch the L.A. County Sheriff's Department press conference here. "Reporters hammered away about Paris' medical condition during a press conference in front of the jail, where she was released early this morning, but Whitmore said that due to confidentiality laws, he could not discuss even the slightest health-related details." Yeah, that sounds about right.

TMZ has a video of Paris Hilton being driven to the Men's Central Jail in downtown Los Angeles where she surrendered to authorities shortly after 10:00 p.m.:

The Sheriff devised the plan of surrendering miles away from the actual where Paris will be doing time because the crush of paparazzi at the jail created a potential safety hazard. Paris was then driven to the jail in Lynwood where she is now serving her sentence. Earlier in the evening, Hilton left her house for the MTV Music Awards. After appearing on the red carpet, Hilton went to her parents' house for a brief time, then left with her lawyer to face the music."

Although authorities had originally handpicked Paris' cellmate, the possibly insane Kelly Matthew, law enforcement officials are now saying that Paris will spend 23 hours a day in solitary confinement, leaving her 1 hour a day outside her cell. That's cool. My team of ninjas only need about five minutes depending on traffic.

Paris yesterday at the 2007 MTV Movie Awards:


Mugshots and video thanks to TMZ.com

With her impending jail sentence set to start next Tuesday, Paris Hilton hired a hair and makeup team to ensure that all the attention is on her when she reports to jail. The New York Daily News reports:

The timing is to make sure she makes all the celebrity weeklies. Paris is a genius at marketing herself. She managed to turn having a sex tape to her benefit, and she's going to do the same out of going to prison...If she can set up her entry into jail in a very grand way, the payoff will be greater."

The source goes on to say that Paris intends to pull out all the stops as she turns her entrance into a catwalk:

Paris doesn't do contrite very well. She will be glam, and Paris is the queen of the prop. Expect her hair pulled back in a ponytail, big sunglasses and maybe a Holy Bible under one arm...There might even be tears."

You're going to jail, not to the premiere Ocean's 13. Nobody cares what you look like when you go to jail, we just care what you look like when you get out. Hopefully with fractures and lacerations. I swear, if the government hadn't stolen my plasma matter displacement cannon, I'd drop an asteroid on your house. But guess what? I still have the plans. And they will never find me. Oh no, they'll never find me.

This is how Paris Hilton spent the day yesterday:

1. Went out and bought religious and spiritual books PR people told her to buy.

2. Made sure PR people notified the paparazzi so they'd be there waiting at the book store when Paris arrived.

3. Maintained pathetically feigned attempt at "forlorn" on her face while photogs snapped away.

4. Forgot her bra on purpose to help secure that original, sinful fan base.

5. Went out again later and posed with the Ho Bib and THE trendy, enlightening text of the moment ... with the same aforementioned pitiful look on her face.

Paris Hilton is so contrived, she should sell ad space on her body. She's the Hollywood celebrity equivalent to the NASCAR cars which qualify and race, but still end up at or near dead last every time. Well, she didn't place anywhere near the top ten, but at least Valtrex got some exposure.

In news to make your fists clinch, Los Angeles County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore says Paris Hilton will only serve 23 days of her 45 day jail sentence. During her stay at the Century Regional Detention Center beginning June 5th, Paris will be housed in a special unit reserved for high profile inmates such as celebrities and public officials. Us Magazine reports:

Despite the fact that Hilton, 26, appeared late for her latest court date, her sentence was shortened by police officials on account of good behavior, Whitmore said....Like everyone else in the 2,200-inmate facility, Hilton will get at least an hour outside her cell each day to shower, watch television, participate in outdoor recreation or talk on the telephone, he said."

Good behavior? Whatever. Paris Hilton is spoiled, self-centered racist. She could stop global warming or cure AIDS and her obituary would still include the word "skank," yet Los Angeles County thinks she deserves to be on a stamp. The only thing she deserves to be on is the grill of my truck. Oh please, don't get all offended. My truck is actually pretty nice.

Candy Spelling, Tori Spelling's mother, wrote an open letter to Paris Hilton and sent it to TMZ. I think I'm in love:

Dear Paris,

As someone who has known you for most of your life, I pay special attention to your press coverage. (Apparently, I'm not alone, based on the responses every word about you creates on TMZ.com and elsewhere.)

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like "regular" people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine. However, as the real possibility of jail approaches -- whether it's 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is -- it's time to get real. It's time to find "a Paris" somewhere between "heiress" and a character on "The Simple Life." I know she's there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Best,
Candy Spelling"

Holy shit. Candy Spelling could shoot Paris out of a cannon into a volcano filled with lava breathing sharks and it would only be the 2nd worst time she has owned Paris Hilton.

Paris going "to a church in Beverly Hills" yesterday: