These pictures of Paris Hilton and Benji Madden leaving Beso last night have caused a lot of people to wonder if Paris is pregnant. I thought about it for about two minutes, then I realized what I was doing, so I hired a homeless guy to punch me in the face. Dad was a little hesitant at first, but then he saw that crisp new dollar.

Paris Hilton was caught sunbathing on a deck this weekend, and lucky for us, she was wrapped in a towel. Your discerning eye might notice she seems naked underneath, and if that turns you on, your eye might also want to let you know that the bunyons on this bitch's gigantic feet can be photographed from space. Mmmmm, sexy. The only possible way this chick's feet be any bigger is if they were cut off and replaced with clown shoes.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden left a nightclub last night and ran over a paparazzo's foot. The world cries out in apathy. TMZ says:

As the snappers swarmed PBandJ's ride, a loud yelping sound can be heard as Benj drove right over one photog's checkered shoe covered foot outside Foxtail. After the rollover, Madden checked out the situation and took off. But just minutes ago, TMZ learned the treadmarked photog is currently dealing with the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department over the incident. No word on whether Benji and Paris are even aware of that yet. UPDATE: The photographer just left the L.A. Sheriff's Department in West Hollywood, where he filed a hit and run report."

Madden's car looked like it was out of gas and being pushed, so I'm pretty sure this paparazzo jackass has a solid case. Or probably not. This happened in California. Benji Madden could've ran this dude over then sold his organs on eBay and he would at worst, get sentenced an Indian burn.

Please keep in mind that Paris Hilton has herpes, a saggy eye, comically oversized feet, and looks like Big Bird if Big Bird had a bombed out vagina, so imagine what she would say if a radio station asked her if she would rather have Jessica Simpson's rack or Kim Kardashian's ass. Surprise! She said:

On Kim Kardashian's ass:
"I would not want that, that's gross. It's disgusting."..."It reminds me of cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag."

On Jessica Simpson's breasts:
"I like how mine are. I don't like big boobs, I think they're too... big."

Man, I wonder what kind of frame Paris has for her magic mirror. It's gorgeous, I bet.


Audio clip via Extra

Paris Hilton's saggy, out of shape butt flaps:


Paris Hilton's flat chest:

While in Cape Town attending the "My Coke Fest" concert with Benji Madden, Paris Hilton stayed at the luxurious Mount Nelson Hotel and wowed hotel guests and staff with her level of retard. Gatecrasher says:

A hotel spy tells us: "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

Paris Hilton locks her dogs in closets and leaves them there for weeks until they die or until she bothers to remember they're alive, so I think I'm gonna take a wild stab and say the cheetah would probably run away. And a cheetah on the loose in Beverly Hills would seem pretty scary, until you realize it's gonna be the one wearing glitter and the pink doggy tennis skirt. Oohhh, check you out, Mr. Cheetah.

Paris Hilton hawking her ugly shit in Montreal this weekend:

No longer wanted in America, Paris Hilton and her lame ass boyfriend, Benji Madden, were in Prague this weekend, and long story short, Paris did a chin plant while running away from the paparazzi. She must have thought they were trying to steal her drugs, because Paris Hilton never runs away from cameras. I don't know whose idea was it for her to run because that's probably not the best plan when your feet look like scuba flippers. You could race Paris Hilton with a cannon tied to your leg and you'd have to give her, at minimum, a thirty second head start.


Story and photos via Paris Hilton fansites

Update: Here's the graceful swan falling on her beak. Sent via email from some kickass Czech IDLYITW fans who probably smoke weed.

Paris Hilton and her douchebag boyfriend, Benji Madden, visited South Africa earlier this week to attend the My Coke Fest concert in Johannesburg. When asked what she thought of about her trip to the country, Paris said:

I love Africa in general - South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries."

Paris Hilton is a spoiled, racist, drug-abusing high school dropout, so the fact that she knows nothing except for the enchanted kingdom that was handed to her should come as no surprise to anyone. If you handed her map to Candyland she'd ask her assistant to call a Priceline negotiator.

Wanting to make sure everyone on Earth knows that she's a world champion attention whore, Paris Hilton announced her new MTV reality television show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, at a news conference yesterday. Scheduled to air in May, the show will feature 20 men and women, competing for the title of Paris' best friend. Reuters says:

Wannabe members of Hilton's entourage must submit their details to a web site, www.parisbff.com, where online voters will decide their fate. The 20 finalists will move into a house with Hilton, and will learn from the master about "normal girl stuff," like fashion, parties and shopping...What is she looking for in a best friend? "Someone that I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with,"..."

Wow. I can't even begin to know the level of self-loathing it would take to apply for this show. If had to choose between living with Paris Hilton or living with AIDS, I'd at least take whoever infected me out to dinner. You know, just a small token for their gesture.