She has herpes, no tits, and chances are good that she would blow that horse if it could give her a magazine cover, but here's Paris Hilton in a bikini in Bali. You know, if you're into that sort of thing. Weirdo.

Lindsay Lohan, who can't afford counseling, was out with Paris and Nicky Hilton this weekend. You'll never guess what she did! TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan went out again in Malibu last night with pals Paris and Nicky Hilton and she just couldn't stand it -- no, really ... she fell down. Lindsay blamed her little trip on the paps, posting this on her Twitter page: "Omg, I'm so embarrassed, paparazzi just blinded me with flashes again, as I was walking into dinner. They pushed me and I tripped :( hurt..."

Of course this isn't Lindsay's fault, even if she called the paparazzi ahead and then guzzled gin like it poured from the fountain of youth. Can't a girl feel pretty without making excuses anymore? To her credit, booze is cheaper than both Botox and therapy, but I think she forgot the key points: Alcohol only makes you cuter if everyone else is drinking it. Or if you're unconscious.

Sarah Shahi is on a show called Fairly Legal that I've never seen, but per E! Online, she's pretty cool.

Don't expect to see Paris Hilton in a Fairly Legal cameo anytime soon.

Especially after the show's star, Sarah Shahi, hit Twitter Friday with some tweets of fury after allegedly being nearly run over by Hilton. But don't let us sugarcoat it for you, hear exactly what Sarah tweeted on the jump:

"Paris Hilton—worst driver ever," Shahi wrote. "Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. What if there was a kid around that corner, you dumb b-tch."

But wait, there's more.

"Paris Hilton—horrible excuse for a human being," Shahi went on to tweet. "What an irresponsible person…what a lame existence. I wouldn't be as pissed if I wasn't a mom."

Meanwhile, Hilton has yet to comment on Shahi's rant.

Everything that Sarah Shahi said is true. To answer her question, the kid would probably have herpes and learn an important lesson at a young age: Women drivers, no survivors.

Paris Hilton was shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday (I know, right?! I can hardly believe it either!), then she bent over and did this. Not really sure why. Her asshole is basically Stargate except with more semen and less humans resembling ancient Egyptians who worship the god Ra.

Paris Hilton went to Petco with a chihuahua that fit snugly in her hand, but loosely in her vagina. You know, like most other things.

Paris Hilton went Halloween costume shopping at Trashy yesterday, and it looks like she decided on "Slutty Sailor". Which is weird, because I thought she would go as a submarine. You know, since she's pointy and is always filled with seamen. Hahahaha, I crack myself up!!

Paris Hilton may not yet have produced her own demon seed, but the next worst thing is happening.

As RadarOnline.com revealed, the hotel heiress is proving to be a stand-in mother for the daughter of her boyfriend Cy Waits. “I have a new BFF… and we spend time with Shae, who is seven-years-old, every weekend in Las Vegas. Shae is so smart and we love spending time together,” Paris told RadarOnline.com. “We go shopping, I take her to the pet store and to the arcade. We take her to the Circus Circus amusement park. We do normal things.”

Stand-in mother? Where the hell is this child’s actual mother? Having Paris Hilton as a source of influence is basically securing this little girl’s spot on the pole for amateur night at Scores because all anyone could ever learn from her is how to shove size 12 feet into a size 10 shoe and when to take your Valtrex. Joan Crawford would have made a better step-mother than Paris, and at least Shae’s clothes would be properly hung.

I’m starting to see a pattern. First, Lindsay gets arrested, then Paris gets arrested. Next, Lindsay sideswipes a stroller in a Maserati, then Paris Hilton and her boyfriend -this guy- run down a paparazzo in a Bentley. TMZ is reporting:

It all went down as paparazzi swarmed the car as Paris and Cy Waits left Boa in West Hollywood. The posse of paparazzi was all over the car, when suddenly Cy accelerated, knocking a photog down.

The couple took off after the hit and the photog called the cops. Paramedics were also called and took the female photog to a local hospital. We're told at some point later, Cy came back, sans Paris, and spoke with police.

Law enforcement sources tell us Cy was cited for hit and run, then allowed to leave.

And get this ... sources say Paris is saying, "The pap is making up injuries."

Law enforcement sources also tell us they're looking into all of the photogs, because flashing the lights could have blinded the driver ... which may constitute interfering with the operation of a motor vehicle -- which is also a crime. 

UPDATE: Sources close to Cy tell us ... Waits is adamant that he was not cited for hit and run. Instead, Waits believes the photographer placed him under citizen's arrest -- and cops were obligated to sign the citizen's arrest form. 

Sources also tell us Cy wasn't aware that he struck the photog until after he drove away ... but once he found out -- via text message -- he immediately called the police himself to follow up and eventually returned to the scene.

You can watch the video here, but it unfortunately doesn't make Paris or her man look that bad. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing given the circumstances. The paps are ruthless and unwavering, and I can only imagine how frustrating that would get. However, the whole fleeing the scene thing is a bit of a moral gray area... a term often said about Paris' vagina. And, TMZ- a female photog? Don't you think that's using that word a little too loosely? Hmm... something that's also often said about Paris' vagina. Look how it all comes full circle!