For the last two months, every celebrity gossip magazine cover has been nothing but Jon and Kate Gosselin drama, and when you're an attention whore with no discernible talent who needs those magazines to stay famous, that may be kind of a problem. Page Six reports:

"Lindsay and Paris hate not being on the covers of weeklies," said a source. "That's why Lindsay has been causing so much havoc and pulling these antics. And why Paris had a big blow- up with Doug [Reinhardt]."

Jon and Kate should drag this out as long as they can if only just to see what these two whores are gonna do next. Give it two more weeks and I can almost guarantee Lindsay will have a sex change to become a minotaur and Paris will hold a press conference to say she's Batman.

Finally convinced that she's a whore, Doug Reinhardt released a statement today about his break up with Paris Hilton. TMZ reports:

"Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris
and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck." Guess he doesn't think Ronaldo will be "The One?" And to add to it all, sources close to Doug told us, "Contrary to reports, Paris is begging him to take her back, she made a mistake and loves him 100%."

Paris Hilton's vagina is like Ellis Island, so of course she's probably banging some other guy while I'm typing this. At least Doug Reinhardt seems pretty calm and nonchalant about this whole thing. Although I'm pretty sure that'll all change when he can't explain the green tentacles growing on his penis. Dude, you should probably get that looked at.

Paris Hilton (herpes with legs) and Doug Reinhardt (plays baseball, was on The Hills, probably a douche nozzle) have broken up. From People:

"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy," a rep for Hilton says.

Maybe Al Gore made them break up because having them together in the same room created an environmental hazard unable to be contained even at biosafety level 4. Their diseases mated and spawned what will come to be known as Supermegaherpes. The only other option was to have a HAZMAT crew follow them around, which they obviously declined.

And more Paris news: She has copyrighted the phrase "That's huge." and plans to charge public figures that use the phrase. From Imdb News:

[Paris] says, "The way I say it, you can (own it)... Huge is good. It can never be bad. Huge is really hot."

Really Paris? Huge can never be bad? Is "That's a huge bitch" ever meant as a compliment? I'd like to copyright "whorulous", which I will then use to refer to Miss P-tard. In a sentence: Paris Hilton is the most whorulous of all whores. You're welcome, National Spelling Bee.




P.S. Paris is a whore.

Paris Hilton is a whore, so when you put her on a yacht in France at a prestigious film festival, that doesn't really change. The Mirror reports:

She and Doug Reinhardt had to walk the plank after Elton John's fella David Furnish caught the heiress trying to, like, shiver Doug's timbers on a party yacht at Cannes A source said: "David met Paris at the Hotel du Cap and invited her to a party on his friend's yacht." As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. "They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. "But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. "David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. "Everyone congratulated the captain."

I have no idea who Doug Reinhardt is, but based on the banner picture, he'll have an insatiable appetite for brains in about three days. I can't imagine having Paris Hilton's tongue in your mouth doing anything else. So when you see this Doug dude, use your head. And cut off his.

Paris Hilton took her flat chest, saggy ass, comically oversized feet, and Valtrex swimming in Cannes this morning for some reason, and I hate to sound like a dick, but if somebody could shoot her, that would be great. She's supposed to be famous for being sexy, but I'd rather fuck a bee hive than get my penis anywhere near this skank. At least with bees my penis wouldn't start glowing and have to be cut off and encased in lead.

Paris Hilton was dressed like an outer space prostitute for some photoshoot for something I didn't bother to look up, and there's really no point to this other than just to say, if any guy reading this thinks this is hot, do me a favor. Turn in your penis and badge with the Sarge. Because, well, it's obvious you don't need them anymore.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, Doug Reinhard, are in Hawaii right now and I have no idea who this guy is, but I'm sure his parents are really proud. Because, after all, he's having sex with Paris Hilton. I bet his mom can't even wait until his penis starts glowing and grows tentacles and rescues those people from that speeding, out of control train. He'll be the big hero!

Paris Hilton hasn't been on here for a while, because really, who gives a shit about Paris Hilton anymore. I'm only posting these because I realize she probably thought these pictures were gonna turn out sexy, but somebody should have reminded her that she looks like a shaved bird. And has herpes. And has comically oversized feet. Seriously, look at those skis. She should be juggling bowling pins or spraying water out of a flower pinned to her chest, because unless she's a power forward or Godzilla, there's no other way to explain those shoes.

STD UPDATE: Yes, Paris has herpes.