I'm really not going to get into how a picture of Paris Hilton as a fish during lowtide probably isn't the best concept for a perfume, but here she is in her new ad for Siren by Paris Hilton. Whatever. If you buy this you're an idiot. She could be handing out samples of Water by Paris Hilton while I was on fire, and my last words would be "Fix...your...nose...bitch."

Paris Hilton was on a yacht in Bora Bora with her boyfriend Doug Reinwhathisface, and if any dude reading this thinks this is hot, do us a favor. Kill yourself. Seriously, I'm not even joking. Kill yourself. Do whatever you have to do. If you have a gun, use that. If you don't, phone a friend who has one. If you don't have any friends that have any, call me. On the count of the three, all your suffering will be over. I promise.

Jason Moore, Paris Hilton's former manager, is shopping a tell all book which is expected to include a lot of "behind the scenes drama". Yawn. NYDN reports:

It's being pitched as a business book about how Moore molded "this blond piece of clay into a global icon" with a reality TV franchise and fashion and beauty lines. But editors are also expecting Moore, who says he didn't sign a confidentiality agreement, to dish on behind-the-scenes drama. "Jason will demonstrate how, for 10 years, he managed to save his mercurial client from disgrace by manipulating the media, and Paris herself," according to a pitch letter making the rounds. "Paris was oftentimes her own worst enemy, making a sex tape with a former boyfriend, nursing hangovers during photo shoots, falling asleep everywhere, and getting thrown in jail for numerous driving violations. If Paris Hilton didn't have Jason Moore pulling the strings, cleaning up her messes ... she could well have faded into oblivion." Moore, who'll call his memoir "Controlling Chaos," says the girl unkindly branded a "celebutard" was more than willing. "[She] spent hours at a time posing in front of the mirror, nailing down the ideal position to create the perfect paparazzi photo." Her hope, he says, was to become "the kind of character ... that would land commercials, international endorsements, film and television roles." He winkingly adds, "... and the man (or maybe even the girl) of her dreams." Moore, described in the proposal as Hilton's "Wizard of Oz-like manager," will also talk about the temptations he saw - "the all-night partying; easy access to women and drugs."

Really? A tell all book about Paris Hilton? That's your big plan? I hate to break this to you, man, but there's really not much to tell. I think Jenny already beat you to it. Unless you can tell me that Paris has Osama Bin Laden's cell number or the skins of dead children in her attic, I'm not really sure what you can surprise us with at this point.

For the last two months, every celebrity gossip magazine cover has been nothing but Jon and Kate Gosselin drama, and when you're an attention whore with no discernible talent who needs those magazines to stay famous, that may be kind of a problem. Page Six reports:

"Lindsay and Paris hate not being on the covers of weeklies," said a source. "That's why Lindsay has been causing so much havoc and pulling these antics. And why Paris had a big blow- up with Doug [Reinhardt]."

Jon and Kate should drag this out as long as they can if only just to see what these two whores are gonna do next. Give it two more weeks and I can almost guarantee Lindsay will have a sex change to become a minotaur and Paris will hold a press conference to say she's Batman.

Finally convinced that she's a whore, Doug Reinhardt released a statement today about his break up with Paris Hilton. TMZ reports:

"Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris
and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck." Guess he doesn't think Ronaldo will be "The One?" And to add to it all, sources close to Doug told us, "Contrary to reports, Paris is begging him to take her back, she made a mistake and loves him 100%."

Paris Hilton's vagina is like Ellis Island, so of course she's probably banging some other guy while I'm typing this. At least Doug Reinhardt seems pretty calm and nonchalant about this whole thing. Although I'm pretty sure that'll all change when he can't explain the green tentacles growing on his penis. Dude, you should probably get that looked at.

Paris Hilton (herpes with legs) and Doug Reinhardt (plays baseball, was on The Hills, probably a douche nozzle) have broken up. From People:

"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy," a rep for Hilton says.

Maybe Al Gore made them break up because having them together in the same room created an environmental hazard unable to be contained even at biosafety level 4. Their diseases mated and spawned what will come to be known as Supermegaherpes. The only other option was to have a HAZMAT crew follow them around, which they obviously declined.

And more Paris news: She has copyrighted the phrase "That's huge." and plans to charge public figures that use the phrase. From Imdb News:

[Paris] says, "The way I say it, you can (own it)... Huge is good. It can never be bad. Huge is really hot."

Really Paris? Huge can never be bad? Is "That's a huge bitch" ever meant as a compliment? I'd like to copyright "whorulous", which I will then use to refer to Miss P-tard. In a sentence: Paris Hilton is the most whorulous of all whores. You're welcome, National Spelling Bee.




P.S. Paris is a whore.

Paris Hilton is a whore, so when you put her on a yacht in France at a prestigious film festival, that doesn't really change. The Mirror reports:

She and Doug Reinhardt had to walk the plank after Elton John's fella David Furnish caught the heiress trying to, like, shiver Doug's timbers on a party yacht at Cannes A source said: "David met Paris at the Hotel du Cap and invited her to a party on his friend's yacht." As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. "They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. "But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. "David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. "Everyone congratulated the captain."

I have no idea who Doug Reinhardt is, but based on the banner picture, he'll have an insatiable appetite for brains in about three days. I can't imagine having Paris Hilton's tongue in your mouth doing anything else. So when you see this Doug dude, use your head. And cut off his.

Paris Hilton took her flat chest, saggy ass, comically oversized feet, and Valtrex swimming in Cannes this morning for some reason, and I hate to sound like a dick, but if somebody could shoot her, that would be great. She's supposed to be famous for being sexy, but I'd rather fuck a bee hive than get my penis anywhere near this skank. At least with bees my penis wouldn't start glowing and have to be cut off and encased in lead.