Anyone who claims they weren’t sitting in their office all week and wishing to sweet Yahweh that they could go back in time an repeat the holidays is either lying or has recently awoke from a coma and is already overwhelmed with all the nonsense they need to catch up on. The last/first week of the year is a time for resolutions, for ends and new beginnings, and for most people that sucks.

Unless you are Semi Sonic, in which case “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” is the only worthwhile thing you contributed to music.

For everyone else, the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009 is just a way to look at how the previous year sucked in hopes that it will scare you into a better 2009. Which it won’t, because if that philosophy worked, you would have stuck with your resolution this year. But you didn’t, did you?

Also, I’ve been trying to quit smoking this week, so I’ve been waking up and going to bed pissy from nicotine withdrawal. That’s probably not going to bode well on the subjects of our round-up.

Where did your favorite celeb spend New Year’s Eve?

Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas, looking fat, broken, bearded and slutty, respectively.



The Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, Hilary and Bill Clinton, Lionel Richie and Ludacris rang in the New Year in Times Square with the masses.



And, as Todd has alerted us previously Kristin Cavallari and Lindsay Lohan spent it on a beach (and possibly breaking up with Samantha Ronson).

Since nobody wanted to pay for pictures of their kid, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have posted the first image of Bronx Mowgli Wentz on Wentz's blog as a special present for you and me. Maybe they should have thought this over, because as far as presents go, this kinda sucks. If I wanted to see pictures of a baby, I would open those letters my ex-girlfriend sends me.

Oh, and this retard is his aunt:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had a baby boy, Bronx Mowgli, last month, and the world is on pins and needles waiting for pictures of the little angel. Actually, no, not really. Page Six reports:

"ASHLEE Simpson and Pete Wentz are trying to drum up some cash by selling photos of their baby, Bronx Mowgli - but so far, no takers. A celebrity weekly insider told Page Six, "Pete and Ashlee have approached every single celebrity magazine with offers to sell their first photos, but nobody wants them. Covers of them tend not to sell well." A rep for Simpson denied it."

Please, it's not like this kid is gonna grow up to invent a time machine or cure AIDS. By the time he's 16, he'll be on Sunset Blvd. wearing mascara and fresh cut marks, and giving blowjobs to feel loved. Please keep in mind that his dad is this guy. When this kid is in 7th grade, there's a good chance his clarinet will have to be surgically removed.

To reiterate, these are this kid's parents;

They dropped the anchor, the engines were still going full speed. The yacht kept moving even after the crew did all they could to stop it from crashing into the harbor. Captain Suchandsuch turned the ship against the wind and asked Jessica Simspon to open her mouth. The ship slowed to a full stop just in time. The ship was spared, and no lives were lost that day.

Can't we just all agree that Pete Wentz is gay? We can? Ok, thanks. Page Six reports:

Pete Wentz kissed a boy - and he liked it. The eye-lined rocker, who's expecting his first child with wife Ashlee Simpson, told Out magazine: "When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that. I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was." Wentz also said he's apprehensive about borrowing from gay culture: "If I was gay and I saw people playing with it, being ambiguous, I don't really know how I would feel..."

Sorry you pretentious jackass, but wearing eyeliner and kissing dudes doesn't make you some kind of sexual revolutionary, knocking down the long established beliefs of what's sexually acceptable. It just makes you look hot for cock. There's no way Ashlee Simpson can be pregnant with your baby. You know, because it's pretty obvious that the only way you'd go in a vagina is if Jigsaw Killer had hid a key there.

You've known for over a month that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, so in the least surprising news of the year, Pete Wentz officially confirmed the pregnancy on his gay blog last night. Pete Wentz says:

While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child,".... "This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

More joyous times and baby exploitation are ahead, because rumor has it that these two are trying to secure a reality show that will chronicle their marriage and Ashlee's pregnancy. Yay. My only hope is that it will last at least last five seasons, so I can see little Pete, Jr. on his first day of school. That black nail polish and eyeliner are sure to make him a hit!

Try to hold back the yawn, but as expected, Ashlee Simpson (shotgun) married Pete Wentz at her parents' Encino home on Saturday. Us Magazine says:

Approximately 150 guests gathered beneath white tents erected on the Simpson property to witness the nondenominational ceremony which was officiated by Joe Simpson himself. Guests included Nicole Richie, who wore a long flowing purple dress, and Joel Madden. Inside the tents the decor was goth rocker: black rugs, white couches with red pillows, black chandeliers and lots of red roses. The four months pregnant bride wore a Monique Lhuillier dress and a diamond necklace with matching earrings by Neil Lane. Wentz wore a Dior Homme tuxedo. The four months pregnant bride wore a Monique Lhuillier dress and a diamond necklace with matching earrings. Wentz wore a Dior Homme tuxedo. At the request of the couple, all of the guests wore dark colors, such as blue, black or grey. Big sis and maid of honor Jessica Simpson brought Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo as her date amidst a week of breakup reports. On Friday, a source told Us that "Joe called Tony and asked him to show support for the wedding.".

Man, what a lucky guy Pete Wentz is! He's married into the most successful family in Hollywood! If he's smart, Pete should totally let Joe Simpson be his manager, because in no time, Fall Out Boy could be playing to sold out science fairs. Imagine that, a real science fair!


A Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo staged photo-op outside Mr. Chow on May 16:

Tony Romo had a wild time in Chicago this weekend, reportedly to celebrate his break up with Jessica Simpson. AHN says:

Tony Romo, 28, was in Chicago partying with his college buddies when he supposedly told them that things were over between him and the former reality star. "They're broken up," according to a pal of the Dallas Cowboys quarterback. "He told us they broke up and that was that. We're guys so we didn't talk about it much." According to eyewitnesses he was surrounded by girls, "We had to restrain some who forcibly tried to make their way to his table. He zeroed in on one blonde all night. That blonde wasn't Jessica Simpson." There are also reports that the women at the club weren't enough for the group of men and they sent the nightclub's bus to pick up more girls from the Hard Rock Hotel where Romo and his friends were staying."

I don't know when blonde hair and DDs translated into begging for dick, but Jessica Simpson seems to have it pretty much down. The only way she can keep a man is if she cryogenically freezes one or buys a store that has a wooden Indian out front.

Clingy and Tony last month: