Bitch didn't even get a Breathalyzer. E! Online says:

According to a report, Reese Witherspoon has no plans to press charges against the elderly driver who hit her with her car Wednesday while the Oscar-winning actress was out jogging in Santa Monica, sending her to the hospital with minor injuries. So what is going to happen to the driver? Even though the 84-year-old driver broke the law by failing to yield to Witherspoon as she was running within an unmarked crosswalk, causing the accident, a source told Us Weekly that the 35-year-old actress opted not to take the woman to court. The thesp luckily sustained only a minor cut to her forehead, and shortly following the incident her publicist told E! News that Witherspoon was "resting comfortably at home" after receiving treatment. Her rep was unavailable for comment on the latest report. E! News has learned, meanwhile, that the unidentified driver was ticketed with a moving violation and has been ordered to return to the DMV to retake her driver's test. Sgt. Richard Lewis of the Santa Monica Police Department said officers on the scene issued the woman a driver's reevaluation form, which means she needs to take a full examination within 30 days. The spokesman added that it's up to the DMV ultimately whether to require her to take an eye exam or provide a list of medications.

To be clear, the driver was a woman, which means she was driving poorly, but she was also 84, which means she was driving slowly (reports estimate 20 mph), so Reese got lucky. I never understood why senior citizens drive slow, because they don't have much time. If this driver planned ahead, Reese Witherspoon would have a much cuter chin today.

Wanna take a guess if it was a woman driver? That was rhetorical, btw. USA Today reports:

Don't worry. She's fine now. But on Wednesday morning at around 11 a.m., as she was out getting some exercise, Reese Witherspooon was struck by a car in Santa Monica. AP reports that the actress was crossing a street and the driver of the vehicle - an 84-year-old woman, who was driving about 20 mph - failed to stop for her. Reese was taken to a local hospital, Capt. Judah Mitchell of the Santa Monica Police Department told Access Hollywood, describing the incident as "minor." A rep for said in a statement that Reese was "not seriously injured" and was released from the hospital soon after incident. The rep said Reese was "resting comfortably at home."

They might as well give women licenses to ride dragons or bears, because it can't be any worse than when you put them behind a wheel of two ton piece of metal that has a vertical pedal on the right. But on the brightside, you can't put your mascara on while blowing through an intersection when driving a dragon. Dragons have no rearview mirrors.

Reese Witherspoon realized her best years were already five behind her. Us Weekly had the details:

Reese Witherspoon married Jim Toth early Saturday evening at her 6-acre ranch in Ojai, Calif., UsMagazine.com has confirmed.

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, and Alyssa Milano, and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Reese and Jim dated for about a year before they got engaged.

Sources close to the newlyweds tell Us they're the perfect match. Says one pal of Toth, who's bonded with her kids: "He's a very confident guy who takes care of her."

"[Reese] really wants to be married and have that security with someone," another insider says. "They feel like they've hit the jackpot in this relationship!"

It's early and it's an aging Tracy Flick. This is supposed to be a huge deal, but at best, I almost care. I'm just a little peeved that her chin is probably going to be on magazine covers this week.

Here's her ex husband's new piece in shorts. All images from WENN.

Also realizing she's a single mom who's about to be on the wrong side of 30 with two kids, Reese Witherspoon agreed to married her boyfriend of 11 months, Hollywood agent Jim Toth. Us Magazine reports:

The Oscar-winning actress, 34, began dating Toth, 40, around January 2010, shortly after her split from Jake Gyllenhaal. The duo went public with their romance in March during a romantic birthday weekend in Ojai, Calif. Toth works as an agent at L.A.'s Creative Artists Agency; Witherspoon is a CAA client, but Toth doesn't represent her.

I went to Flying Saucer last night and some dude got his plate on the wall after he finished his 200th beer in the U.F.O. Club. What do I mention this? Because it's literally more interesting than anything in a Reese Witherspoon story.

Barack Obama doesn't fear terrorism, but he does fear filling up on Johnny Cakes before the peach cobbler is served.

Rip Torn knows the ground isn't level, and here I thought it was just me this whole time. [DListed]

This horrible album cover better be the last we ever hear of Sanjaya, or I'm calling immigration like the bigot I've always feared I am. [Seriously?OMG!WTF?]

Kristin Cavallari's 80s costume must have come with authentic 80s cocaine. [Hollywood Tuna]

What George Clooney would look like if we lost all respect for him [CityRag]

PETA begs Bristol Palin to give peas a chance. Meanwhile, I just killed a koala by choking it with my fist. [Celebitchy]

Pink would give Carey Hart away if he married again. Good news, because it's not like he'll fetch top dollar. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Don't you just want to shove something in Reese Witherspoon's mouth when she opens it like that? [Just Jared]

Vern Troyer got wasted for his 40th Birthday, then put on a sailor hat and rode his buddy around. [TMZ] Dunken Vern will answer your questions this Sunday. Comment it up, people.

Meryl Streep is Julia Child, which might be confusing because one is dead and the other was in Mama Mia, a movie that made me wish I was dead.[Just Jared]

The Kardashian Sisters all looked the same on New Years Eve, which was great news for fugly Khloe, and a horrible down-grade for Kim. [Bastardly]

Kathy Griffin won't come to where you work and knock the dicks out of your mouth. And she said that standing next to Anderson Cooper. [DListed]

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are so boring, they probably went to a Farmer's Market every weekend this year. This is where the punchline would be if that was a joke. [Socialite's Life]

Kate Bosworth gets the honor of first nipple-pics of 2009. Congratulations. Now don't make another Superman movie, because you helped it suck. [Egotastic]

I finally found something scarier than clowns: celebrity clowns. [City Rag]

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have been dating since last year, but it looks like things might be falling apart since Gyllenhaal has been spending 19-hour days on the Morocco and London sets of his new movie, Prince of Persia (yes, the video game) Star Magazine reports:

This is his first epic, and his mind is on his work," a pal of Reese's tells Star. "They talk on the phone and e-mail, but he's not 'there.' Reese is wondering if this is how it's going to be between them every time he's out of the country filming." The relationship hit such a rough patch that Reese, 32, flew to London for a quick rendezvous with Jake, 27, at The Dorchester hotel in mid-September. "They really needed to reconnect and remember why they were in a relationship in the first place," says another source."

Let's be honest here. Jake Gyllenhaal is running around all day in silk pants and his shirt off. It was only a matter of time before he remembered he liked penises. And it will only be a matter of time before the government pays for erasing my memory and leaving me for dead. Or so they thought......


Photos: Splash

Reese Witherspoon has a gigantic forehead and a chin you could chop wood with, but sometimes, in the right light, with the right high-powered lens, and the right amount of Bombay Sapphire before breakfast, she looks pretty fuckin hot. Like she does here in Paris doing a shoot for Nina Ricci. Needless to say, it's all going to waste, because according to reports, Jake Gyllenhaal just moved in with her. Instead of imagining this dress on the lampshade and Reese's panties around her ankle, imagine Jake Gyllenhaal braiding Reese's hair and secretly wishing for the day when they get their periods at the same time.


Photos: Splash