Barack Obama doesn't fear terrorism, but he does fear filling up on Johnny Cakes before the peach cobbler is served.

Rip Torn knows the ground isn't level, and here I thought it was just me this whole time. [DListed]

This horrible album cover better be the last we ever hear of Sanjaya, or I'm calling immigration like the bigot I've always feared I am. [Seriously?OMG!WTF?]

Kristin Cavallari's 80s costume must have come with authentic 80s cocaine. [Hollywood Tuna]

What George Clooney would look like if we lost all respect for him [CityRag]

PETA begs Bristol Palin to give peas a chance. Meanwhile, I just killed a koala by choking it with my fist. [Celebitchy]

Pink would give Carey Hart away if he married again. Good news, because it's not like he'll fetch top dollar. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Don't you just want to shove something in Reese Witherspoon's mouth when she opens it like that? [Just Jared]

Vern Troyer got wasted for his 40th Birthday, then put on a sailor hat and rode his buddy around. [TMZ] Dunken Vern will answer your questions this Sunday. Comment it up, people.

Meryl Streep is Julia Child, which might be confusing because one is dead and the other was in Mama Mia, a movie that made me wish I was dead.[Just Jared]

The Kardashian Sisters all looked the same on New Years Eve, which was great news for fugly Khloe, and a horrible down-grade for Kim. [Bastardly]

Kathy Griffin won't come to where you work and knock the dicks out of your mouth. And she said that standing next to Anderson Cooper. [DListed]

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are so boring, they probably went to a Farmer's Market every weekend this year. This is where the punchline would be if that was a joke. [Socialite's Life]

Kate Bosworth gets the honor of first nipple-pics of 2009. Congratulations. Now don't make another Superman movie, because you helped it suck. [Egotastic]

I finally found something scarier than clowns: celebrity clowns. [City Rag]

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have been dating since last year, but it looks like things might be falling apart since Gyllenhaal has been spending 19-hour days on the Morocco and London sets of his new movie, Prince of Persia (yes, the video game) Star Magazine reports:

This is his first epic, and his mind is on his work," a pal of Reese's tells Star. "They talk on the phone and e-mail, but he's not 'there.' Reese is wondering if this is how it's going to be between them every time he's out of the country filming." The relationship hit such a rough patch that Reese, 32, flew to London for a quick rendezvous with Jake, 27, at The Dorchester hotel in mid-September. "They really needed to reconnect and remember why they were in a relationship in the first place," says another source."

Let's be honest here. Jake Gyllenhaal is running around all day in silk pants and his shirt off. It was only a matter of time before he remembered he liked penises. And it will only be a matter of time before the government pays for erasing my memory and leaving me for dead. Or so they thought......


Photos: Splash

Reese Witherspoon has a gigantic forehead and a chin you could chop wood with, but sometimes, in the right light, with the right high-powered lens, and the right amount of Bombay Sapphire before breakfast, she looks pretty fuckin hot. Like she does here in Paris doing a shoot for Nina Ricci. Needless to say, it's all going to waste, because according to reports, Jake Gyllenhaal just moved in with her. Instead of imagining this dress on the lampshade and Reese's panties around her ankle, imagine Jake Gyllenhaal braiding Reese's hair and secretly wishing for the day when they get their periods at the same time.


Photos: Splash

Although they've been not-so-secretly been dating for almost two years, Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish (Phillippe's co-star in Stop Loss who reportedly had a hand in breaking up his marriage to Reese Witherspoon) ended speculation about their relationship when they made their first public appearance at the 2008 Australian in Film Breakthrough Awards in Beverly Hills last night. People reports:

They were adorable," says a guest. "He had his arm around her and they were cozy and comfortable." When Cornish - who was being honored with a Breakthrough Award - was introduced, Phillippe rubbed her back while she leaned against his shoulder. Throughout the evening, they held hands...The secret to Cornish's appeal? "We needed a girl who could knock back and drink the guys under the table, change a blown tire, whatever she needs to do," their Stop-Loss director, Kimberly Pierce, tells PEOPLE. "And she has that. She's that kind of girl."

I can understand how this was a big step for Ryan. I secretly dated a girl for two years and when I finally took her out the cops surrounded us and starting yelling stuff at me like "missing person" and "manhunt." Whatever. I think they were just jealous. I bet the only reason she ran into that cop's arms in the first place was because they were related or something and just wanted to catch up.

Abbie Cornish (and Heath Ledger) topless in Candy (NSFW):

Although he says he wishes his ex-wife, Reese Witherspoon, and friend, Jake Gyllenhaal the best, Ryan Phillippe now says he doesn't like looking at pictures of the new couple. I don't either. They're boring. Us Magazine reports:

It's bizarre," the Stop-Loss star, 33, tells USA Today. "There's plenty of times when I say, 'What a strange situation I've found myself in.' But at a certain point you know it's going to happen, so you are prepared in some fashion."

Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon split in 2006 while Phillippe was filming Stop Loss. Coincidentally, right around the time he starting banging his co-star, Abbie Cornish. They've been quietly dating ever since. So, I'm kinda having a hard time believing he's up nights trying to figure out ways to avoid seeing pictures of these two. He's probably just saying this to perpetuate the myth that Jake Gyllenhaal can get close to a vagina without giggling.

Jake Gyllenhaal's publicist must not be part of the WGA, because according to a "leaked" report, Reese Witherspoon allegedly turned down a marriage proposal from Gyllenhaal. A source says:

Reese says it is just too soon after her divorce from Ryan to think about marrying again. She is madly in love with Jake, but her divorce just became final, and she doesn't want to rush into anything. Reese wants to take things very slowly because of her two young children. She doesn't want anything to upset or disrupt them. It took her a while to introduce them to Jake - she didn't want them to know they were a couple until they were definitely serious about each other."

Wow, this is genius. When they "break up" in two months, they'll already have an excuse. An excuse other than Jake Gyllenhaal is gay and likes to taste test penis. When asked about the proposal, Jake Gyllenhaal wiped the corners of his mouth and said, "Mmmmmm."

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have been photographed all over Rome recently, causing many to believe they have finally came out as a couple. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that the movie that they're starring in is a box office disaster. They're in love. This relationship is gonna last. It's gonna last because they care for each other and share the same goals and dreams and interests. Interests such as penis.


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