For some reason, Saturday Night Live has been on the air for longer than most of us have been alive, and even though it hasn't been funny since most of us have been alive, it's a pretty well-oiled machine. Executive Producer Lorne Michaels is legendary for being harsh and combative behind the scenes with a strict routine that must be followed every show. One of those being a dress rehearsal that is done in front of the studio audience before the actual live show. Rihanna said fuck all dat, mon. Call me now fer ya free readin'. Da cards don' lie!! Or something like that. I don't know. I wasn't there, man! TMZ reports:

According to our sources, RiRi called in sick for the dress rehearsal, which is done live in front of a studio audience right before the actual show....Our sources say that in her place, Rihanna's choreographer danced to her songs. When Rihanna showed up later looking just fine, we're told the staff was shocked ... and felt she didn't appear sick enough to have missed the dress rehearsal ... though no one from the show called her on it. According to our sources, once the live show got going, Rihanna was seen eating an apple and walking around in between songs ... which bothered several staffers because she did not seem ill at all. We're told producers can't even remember the last time someone has skipped the dress rehearsal.

This may have bothered or confused the show's staff members, but please keep in mind, Rihanna smokes a shit ton of weed. She probably just assumed she was on stage in her mind.

So, Rihanna went to a strip club in NYC last night. Looks kinda dark in there oh god stop being such a racist.

“Best stress reliever= $tripper$. Kill it Tip it #Cake,” she tweeted. “#ROCstarshit my daddy would be proud.”

I don't really like going to strip clubs because I really don't need to pay to see titties, but every bachelor/going away/promotion/whatever party for my guy friends are at strip clubs so I have to go and get handed money to throw around and free drinks. So I guess I'm still seeing titties for free so that's good.

Like most strippers and battered women will tell you, vagina is where it's at! Awww yeaahh, son! New York Post reports:

Rihanna headed out on a date last night. But while the "Umbrella" singer has dated singer Chris Brown and baseball star Matt Kemp in the past, last night she was seen holding hands with a woman. "I'm on my first date in almost 2 yearz," the Barbadian pop star tweeted yesterday. "#datenight my lover for the night @mforde11." Rihanna referred to her longtime friend, Melissa Forde, who has been rumored in the past to be the singer's lover.

Nothing says edgy like being a fake lesbian, so hopefully this works out for her. Maybe next she can get a tribal armband tattoo or get sent to detention.

In case you haven't see these already, Rihanna went to Hawaii in January to apparently smoke a ton of weed and take a lot of pictures. Here's some of the pictures. You can see the whole set here, but if I can be honest, pics of a flat chick with a comically large forehead kinda start to look the same after a while.

An US Weekly intern claims Jeremy Piven is "mundane" in bed [The Superficial]
Lindsay Ellingson models lingerie like a pro [Popoholic]
Kate Upton is charitable [Hollywood Tuna]
Rooney Mara's nude scenes hit Blu-ray, the internet [Taxi Driver Movie]
Couple throws Breaking Dawn themed wedding, changes last name to Cullen [Celebuzz]
Octomom finally posed nude "for the money", porn can't be far off [Drunken Stepfather]
Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook still will not just STFU [Celebitchy]
Irina Shayk is in a totally different bikini and therefore noteworthy [The Nip Slip]
Cheerleaders of the Final Four [COED Magazine]
Toilet humor never gets old [College Humor]
Lindsay Lohan might play herself in Glee [Dlisted]
30 mail order brides trying to be sexy [The Chive]
Everyone at this Valentino opening looked ridiculous [Moe Jackson]
Jessica Simpson is delusional, claims she only gained 40 pounds [Celebslam]
For the record, Courtney Stodden and PETA do not speak for all vegetarians [The Blemish]
Madonna wasn't talking about drugs [Evil Beet Gossip]
James Franco is a gangster now [Lainey Gossip]
No one ever wears clothes in Spring Breakers [Egotastic]
13 puppies in yoga positions, enough said [City Rag]
The internet keeps trying to kill Chris Brown [Pop Crush]
Jane Fonda to play Nancy Reagan in Oscar-bait movie you'll never see [Film Drunk]
Lindsay Lohan needs to stay out of trouble for just 24 more hours [PopBytes]
Rhian Sugden is uber-hot[Heyman Hustle]
Justin Bieber is getting sued for being stupid [Allie is Wired]
Megan Fox does not want to be unattractive (she should maybe let up on the plastic surgery then) [Amy Grindhouse]

Follow us [Facebook][Twitter][Todd's Formspring][Kathy's Tumblr][Todd][Kathy]

Ever since Chris Brown punched her put out of a car then stomped on her head in the middle of the street, Rihanna hasn't been quite right in the head since. But its good to see Rihanna being practical and smart now. That fanny pack looks like it can hold a lot of weed and cold compresses.



Pic source: Fame Flynet

Rihanna and Chris Brown's pals don't want them back together. TMZ reports:

Chris Brown and Rihanna are dangerously close to getting back together, sources close to the ex-couple tell TMZ -- but the singers' friends are desperately trying to keep them apart ... for their own good. According to sources, Rihanna is still head over heels for Chris -- despite that fateful night 3 years ago when he brutalized her -- and if it weren't for the media and her fans, she would already have taken him back. We're told Chris also has extremely strong feelings for Rihanna -- current girlfriend be damned. Now, sources tell us, Rihanna and Chris' friends are terrified they'll get back together -- and they're doing everything they can to prevent a possible reunion. According to sources, friends on BOTH sides have expressed extremely strong reservations to Ri and CB about spending so much time together ... warning it's a terrible idea ... personally AND professionally. But with Rihanna's birthday ... Chris and Rihanna's duets released this week ... friends fear they're fighting an uphill battle. As one source put it, "You can't hold back love."

Listen, I get the argument that battered women take a while to leave abusers. However, keep in mind that most of the battered women in a lot of these women's lib studies aren't financially independent or share kids and/or property with their abusers and feel they have no place to go. If you're rich and have a team of people to help you and you can afford therapy, yet you insist on going back to and making money off of someone who beat you so badly that you were both hospitalized and virtually unrecognizable, then you're no longer a victim. You're an idiot and you're an asshole. Here's hoping they just kill each other at some point. We need to thin the herd, and let's face it. It takes something truly terrible to make me turn down any sort of cake.

Making everything you've ever seen on Lifetime a lie, three years after Chris Brown this to Rihanna, they have released two songs together. I'm pretty sure Courtney Stodden has more self-respect that this bitch. TMZ reports:

Rihanna and Chris Brown have reconciled ... at least professionally ... because the former couple have collaborated on 2 brand new songs. It's only been 3 years since Brown pummeled Rihanna's face during a late night argument in L.A. ... but the singer and her ex-con ex-BF have each released songs featuring the other's voice. One is a remix of Rihanna's song, "Birthday Cake" and the other is a new version of Chris Brown's, "Turn Up the Music (below)." Both songs hit the Internet this week ... and both Rihanna and Brown have been pushing the songs on Twitter. The songs seem to prove the rumors ... that Rihanna has forgiven Brown and is willing to move on. Earlier this week, Brown tweeted Rihanna "Happy Birthday" ... and Rihanna actually responded, "Thanks." Rihanna is currently in London (see photo above) ... and Chris Brown was most recently seen in Miami. As we previously reported, Brown is currently in a relationship with a woman named Karrueche Tran ... and we're told the two seem very happy together.

Turn Up The Music: A dance song where the same line is repeated a billion times and the lyrics included a set of instructions? Fascinating! Tell me more!



Birthday Cake: "Cake" is a euphemism for Rihanna's vagina and Chris Brown sings about how he "wants to lick her icing out". But why do they want to have sex? Didn't Rihanna already get jumped in?