Rihanna's long-awaited interview with Diane Sawyer aired this morning on Good Morning America, and I won't bore you with the details (I'll let Rihanna do that, but I never realized she sounded like a Jamaican guy at a coconut stand trying to sell me weed. Halfway through this video, I fully expected her to say, "Why pay $4.99?! Da cards don lie! Call me now fer ya free reedin!!"

Almost a year after Chris Brown did this to her, Rihanna, in an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer that will air tomorrow of Good Morning America and 20/20, talks for the first time about her savage beating and what she's gone through since. People reports:

"This happened to me. … It can happen to anyone," the singer, 21, tells Diane Sawyer in an interview airing Thursday on Good Morning America and on 20/20 on Friday. Rihanna says it was particularly difficult because of the special place Brown held in her heart: "He was definitely my first big love." Both singers have worked to move on. Brown is serving a community labor sentence in Virginia and working on new music for an album titled Graffiti that will drop Dec. 15. Rihanna is shaking things up with her edgy fashion and releasing her fourth album, Rated R, on Nov. 23.

I don't even like Rihanna, but Chris Brown is an unrepentant jackass who beat her ass because she had the nerve to get upset because he was texting another bitch. I haven't seen this interview, but the only way it could get better if they have a live satellite feed of Chris Brown tied up with that goat in the T-Rex paddock.

The cover of Rihanna's new album was released today, and um seriously, what the hell? Who came up with this shit? Did the photographer let the teenage Italian boy in the cut off jean shorts out of his fur dog collar so he could help Rihanna with this barbwire? Did the white tiger under the pink parasol paint with glitter while this was going on? Because this is the gayest shit I've ever seen.

Thanks to Paul Heyman over at the great Heyman's Hustle for sending me Rihanna's obvious inspiration for her cover.

Here's Rihanna in New York filming a music video for her new album. At least I think it's a music video. It could be a movie about pirates. Or a blaxploitation Sonic the Hedgehog. Or Sonic the Hedgehog's Pirate Adventure. Or a movie about a sassy but tough, black female assassin going under cover as a pirate. To tell you the truth, I have no idea. What am I, a reporter?

Last week it was reported that Justin Timberlake was cheating on Jessica Biel with Rihanna and they were close to a breakup. "Really? Fantastic. I'm so over this chick. I'm headed to the store, we good on Funyuns?" my penis was quoted as saying. Page Six reports:

Justin Timberlake had a date night with Jessica Biel -- casting doubts on reports that he'd dumped her for Rihanna. Us Weekly reported yesterday that Timberlake had dumped Biel over the phone, while Star claims he's turned up the heat with Rihanna. But Timberlake and Biel were photographed holding hands Monday night, even though they sure weren't smiling. A source said, "They've spent the last few days vacationing together in Santa Barbara. Things have been rocky in the last few months, but they are working it out. And this rumor that Justin was hooking up with Rihanna is wild -- they've been working on a track together."

I was gonna say this is bad news, but Jessica Biel has looked like she's been cursed by a gypsy lately, so whatever. That will all change of course if she starts looking like actual Jessica Biel again. Then my vampire cyborg pumas will need to be re-calibrated to only hunt effeminate dancing wiggers with perms. They will return to me with no knowledge of who they are...or what they have done.

Jessica Biel looking like absolute hell in Vancouver where she is shooting the A-Team:



Jessica Biel as she appears in my dreams and drawings in my diary:

I...I...what the hell? Metro UK reports:

'Justin and Rihanna have been seeing each other for the past few weeks.' 'He is really into her', the insider alleged. The source claims Timberlake, 28, and the Umbrella star, 21, have been meeting together in New York. It is not the first time the pair have enjoyed time together after JT helped out the Barbadian beauty in a raunchy video shoot during her third album Good Girl, Gone Bad. Timberlake is also lending his skills to the star's next record, which could be a good reason for the sightings. Only this week he spoke about their time in the studio together telling: 'The stuff we've come up with in the studio, it's the next step for her. It's a little more grown-up. It's got some edge to it.' But the mole also alleges playful Rihanna recently gave Trousernake a lap dance at the 10ak night spot in NYC. The claims come after Timberlake was accused by Lindsay Lohan of being a 'cheater' on Twitter after he was spotted dancing on a bar table with a mystery woman earlier this year. He also put in a lip-lock photo opportunity with Biel, 27, at a basket ball game after he was accused of 'acting like a single guy' at a party thrown by ex Kate Hudson.

My bucket of sunshine and glowstick of love Naomi just told me that I had horrible taste in women and she'd gladly take Rihanna over my beloved Jessica, but can't we just go ahead and call this a downgrade? I guess after being beaten within an inch of your life by your boyfriend may cause you to reexamine the kind of guy you want to bang. Specifically, a prancing gaywad like Justin Tiberlake. Please, don't tell me he isn't a little bit gay. He dated Cameron Diaz for four years. You can't possibly like your penis if you wake up to that every morning. Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's very possible that Rihanna gave Justin a lap dance, but it's also very possible that he took her home to play with his Barbie Style Hair Salon Playset. Wash Barbie dolls hair in the real working sink using special foaming shampoo! Add color streaks and create glam hairstyles with all the fun tools! Includes salon chair, foaming shampoo, smock, towel, brush, Barbie doll and more!

Rihanna was walking in NYC yesterday where she wore a see through shirt and unveiled a nipple ring. In related news, I just unveiled my new peanut butter brownies! It's chocolate and peanut butter!!!

Oprah Winfrey recently had a show about domestic violence which she dedicated to “all the Rihannas of the world". That made Chris Brown angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. MSNBC reports:

In the new issue of People magazine, Chris Brown says he felt like Oprah Winfrey’s show about domestic violence, which was dedicated to “all the Rihannas of the world,” and aired after he assaulted ex-girlfriend Rihanna, was a “slap in the face.” “I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face,” Brown told People. “I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could’ve been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’” Brown might come to regret speaking out on the issue. “He’s done,” said one well-placed source with direct connections to some of Brown’s endorsement opportunities. “Whatever goodwill he had, he’s totally ruined it by saying that. What was he thinking? And who the hell goes up against Oprah? It just shows he doesn’t think. No one is going to want him as the face of their brand.”

"A slap in the face"? Hey Chris, did you mean that in the figurative sense or did you mean the kind of slaps Rihanna got that were detailed in the police report? You can see how we might be a little confused. But you might want to be careful though. You just talked shit about Oprah. She might not let you back on her show or she might send robot ninja assassins to your house. You won't know they're robot ninja assassins of course. The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human... sweat, bad breath, everything.