Robert Pattinson (seen here with a typical Twilight fan) is reportedly a singer-songwriter but has yet to release any material. But don't worry, he'll be bigger than The Beatles. The Sun reports:

"I am sure I'll be one of those artists that people don't pay any attention to while I'm alive, and when I am dead people will go yeah, man, that was a work of art..."I see myself playing in a rundown blues bar, with about three people drowning their sorrows. I play according to my mood, and sometimes that can come across as very depressing in music."

Right, because I can't wait to hear a skinny, rich white dude in body glitter tell me how depressed he is. What, did his eyeliner pencil break? Did he spill his microbrew on his cashmere cardigan when he found out a farmer's market was closed? I don't get it.

So a wannabe Ray LaMontagne in a knit cap basically. Sweet:

Tween cutter rape fantasy Robert Pattinson is considered one of the sexiest men in the world, and based on these pictures of him leaving SOHO last night, it's easy to tell why. As you can see, either Kristen Stewart dyed her hair and aged 20 years overnight, he was also with a mystery woman who he probably already artificially inseminated. "I don't have to stick in her, right? I mean, I don't have to see her...oh, OMG! Don't say it, don't say it! OMG, ewwww!," Robert Pattinson was overheard as saying.

Ancestry.com has discovered that Robert Pattinson and Vlad The Impaler are distant cousins. Um, sure, okay. Jennifer's phone reports:

Robert Pattinson isn't the only famous vampire in his family. Genealogists say the 24-year-old "Twilight" star is related to Vlad the Impaler, widely cited as the inspiration for the main character in Bram Stoker's "Dracula." Researchers at Ancestry.com discovered that Pattinson and the Transylvanian leader (real name: Vlad III Dracula) are connected through their relationship to the British royal family. Prince William and Prince Harry are Pattinson's distant cousins; Vlad the Impaler was their distant uncle. "Tracing Pattinson's family back to Vlad was difficult research, but the pieces that unraveled created the perfect accompaniment to the Twilight Saga," said Anastasia Tyler, a genealogist at Ancestry.com. "Without any myth or magic, we find royalty and vampires lurking in Pattinson's life - making his story just as supernatural as the one he's playing on screen."

Really? "Vampires lurking in Pattinson's life"? Where, in his diary? Because saying Robert Pattinson is related to Dracula is like me saying I'm related to Marshall Bravestarr. Does that mean I have the powers of hawk, wolf, puma and bear? No, because Marshall Bravestarr doesn't exist. Neither does Dracula. Or Edward Cullen. The only way this story would make any topical sense is if they discovered Robert Pattinson was related to GLAAD The Impaler.

Hey, look, Sophie Turner's ass! How did that get in here? Oh, that Sophie, always up to no good!

On the screen, Robert Pattinson plays an effeminate, sparkling vampire. In real life, he's in a relationship with Kristen Stewart that isn't fooling anyone and says more dumb shit in interviews than Megan Fox. US Weekly reports:

Robert Pattinson, 24, once said in an interview that he worried that so many good things have happened to him at such an early age. "I guess I just thought if too many good things happen, then you're going to die at 30," he explains in a new Nightline interview airing Monday. "I didn't want that to happen. "Yeah, so probably, I'm going to die at 30. Actually, it's God saying, 'Hey, you shouldn't have asked for too much.'" Pattinson says going from a little-known British actor to an A-list heartthrob has been "crazy." "It's not what people tell you when people warn you of being an actor," he says. "If and when I have children (ed. note: impregnate his 45-year old assistant through artificial insemination), [and] they ask if they want to be actors, I'm like 'Yeah, it's great. You don't have to do anything. Everything goes right.'"..."I used to spend a lot of time walking in cities by myself, and I can't really do that without being, um, a little paranoid," he says. "You get better at hiding and you get better at choosing which areas are the right areas to go to. (ed. note: gay clubs and bathhouses aren't clearly marked from the street) And you also get better at interacting with strangers."

Either this guy has no friends or he just rambles nonsense when a tape recorder is in front of him. Every time I see him being interviewed on television, I fully him to expect to answer at least one question with, "Penguin ice cream hat lamp turkey leg."

Only in some alternate reality can Kristen Stewart win an award for acting, but this is the MTV Movie Awards, so there needs to be a place where 13-year old cutters can have their voices heard beside their diaries. But the highlight of the night was when Robert Pattinson and Kristen won the award for Best Kiss. I don't want to give anything away, but I'm pretty sure Pattinson ran backstage and gargled with semen. "OMG, ewww! Ewww!", he was quoted as saying.

Note: Sorry about the crappy quality. Viacom is bitchy like that. But if you think you're upset, check out this lady! She can barely even stand it!

There's no way I'm posting pics of these pale queers, so here's Vanessa Hudgens and her hot little ass last night. She likes to take pictures like this and send them to her boyfriend's cell phone, so she wins at life. And my heart.

Much has been made of Robert Pattinson's sexual orientation due to his borderline gay comments, really fuckin gay comments, and the fact that he dates a chick who looks like she runs a booth at Lilith Fair. But women seem to fall all over him. You know, just like they did with Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin. Look, I'm not saying Pattinson is gay. I'll let Ashley Greene do it for me. People reports:

"When I met Rob, I didn't think twice about him," Greene says in new issue of Seventeen, on newsstands May 25. "He's really attractive, but that chemistry wasn't there." And with what could be a dagger in the hearts of woman all over the world, Greene says the sex symbol "doesn't understand girls."

I didn't understand girls either, but that stopped around the 6th grade. So either Robert Pattinson is an alien humanoid sent here to study us and learn our ways or balls in his face is what he calls "Tuesday".

Since misguided fangirls everywhere were cutting themselves when he told the world he's like a girl who runs into a spiderweb when he touches a vagina, Robert Pattinson is now saying that he and Kristen Stewart are together. Look at the monkey! Don't look over here, everybody look at the monkey! He tells The Sun:

"It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can't arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy. This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it's impossible. We are here together and it's a public event but it's not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention."

Sorry. Too late queer. Let's not try to pretend now. The only way you'd have sex with Kristen Stewart is if she somehow transformed into My Chemical Romance.

Yep. She doesn't look like she uses a strap-on at all:

I'm not sure how all the homosexuals are gonna feel about bored wives and tween cutters buying up all the copies of Details this month, but they should have thought of that before they put Rob Pattinson on their 10th anniversary edition. And since Details is for gays, and Robert Pattinson is a closted gay, you'll never guess how gay his interview was. Here's a hint: He likes cock. He says:

"I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vagina. But I can't say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn't exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover."

Wow, sitting for six hours around a bunch of naked women must have made you run out Purell and anti-septic wipes, you big fag. Maybe for your next photoshoot, you can come out in cut off jean shorts and roller skates while brushing your Barbie's hair. You know, to fully drive the point home you'd rather go down on a hedge trimmer than see a vagina.