It takes fearlessness and principled integrity to objectively report the tough news, so hats off to Us Magazine for breaking this story that accuses Pattinson of having a beard in an attempt to "appear more manlier." I'm not sure his facial hair is doing the trick either.

When tween cutters and thirty-year old women (I'm looking at you Gina) have to blow dry their panties when somebody says your name, it must be hard when you're an obviously closeted gay actor. It's manageable and you can keep fooling people (Tom Cruise has Katie Holmes, Matthew Broderick has Flicka, Will Smith has Jada Pinkett Smith), but Robert Pattinson isn't even trying. National Enquirer reports:

"I am single ... almost everything that came out about my private life IS false," cover boy Pattinson told the Italian edition of Vanity Fair mag. "I think it happens because, really, there is not much to say about what I'm doing. "While I am filming, I live practically recluse in hotel. I come out only to work, and sometimes to go out for dinner. "But, if you read the magazines, it seems that I have a frantic high life."

Remember when you were a kid and you watched He-Man and you wanted to be him because he was all powerful and brave and cool then you got older and realized he wore a pink shirt, kept a secret identity from his parents, had a pet cat, and his best friend was a girl? Yeah, this is kinda like that.

It's hard to imagine that a movie about a emo vampire and a werewolf fighting over the heart of some ugly chick wouldn't be hailed and praised as one of the greatest movies of all time, so it's no surprise that critics are singular in their praise of New Moon.

Chicago Sun-Times' Roger Ebert says "the characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud."

Ty Burr of The Boston Globe remarks: "Sorry, girls: The thrill is gone." He says that "where the first film’s director, Catherine Hardwicke, plugged into [author Stephenie] Meyer’s vision of supernatural teenage lust with abandon, Chris Weitz is stuck with a sequel that’s a morning-after mope-fest. "When he's onscreen, Pattinson’s Edward is all emo posturing under a trembling bouffant - the actor suddenly seems to be embarrassed to be here," says Burr. "Lautner's performance, by contrast, has the warmth of an actual human."

But Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times says Lautner and Kristen Stewart (who plays Bella) have no heat: "The connection between these two is so self-evidently non-romantic that it turns out not to be much of a diversion."

USA Today's Claudia Puig agrees, saying the the Bella-Edward romance is a bore and that "the pace picks up" once Jacob and his pals turn into werewolves. She gave the film 2.5 out of 4 stars.

Variety writes that ladies hoping to gaze at Pattinson the big screen " may be disappointed by Pattinson's reduced presence" in the sequel, "as his Edward appears predominantly in mumbling visions until a cliffhanger that brazenly sets up the next episode."

Whatever. This movie will make more than Noriega because of tween cutters and 30-year old chicks with undead fetishes, so no amount to critical backlash will stop that. This movie could be called Madea Goes To Registered Sex Offender Class and as long as Robert Pattinson has a scene where he pouts and cries, the producers will need dragons and Hannibal's elephants to carry all the money this crap is gonna make.

Stephanie Meyer and Anne Rice have turned vampires into total hair product gaywads who prefer to cry and talk about their feelings than fuck people up, so it's no surprise that Robert Pattinson went on Ellen to promote the movie about said gaywads. But I guess he has an interesting story. Whatever. Us Magazine reports:

...Pattinson, 23, tells Ellen DeGeneres about the woman who recently undressed for him in public during a marathon autograph-signing session. The New Moon star was burnt out after signing 500 signatures. "You kind of get ten seconds with each person and you never really say anything . . . I kind of got bored," he explains. When one female fan asked Pattinson "how can I get your attention?" Pattinson had a novel suggestion. "I was like, um, just take your clothes off." The fan obliged. "She stood there and frantically started taking her clothes off and got dragged out of the room by security," Pattinson says. "I never felt more terrible . . . I sound like I'm actually just abusing my position."

I hate to brag, but I get girls to strip for me all the time. Especially on payday. This one girl really likes me and the bouncer said she thinks I'm really cute. It's been three years and pretty soon I think she's gonna tell me her real name!! I think she's falling in love with me!! Suck on that Robert!!

I guess playing an effeminate vampire who wears body glitter makes you sound gay, because Robert Pattinson really sounds like he should be wearing bangles and a mesh tank top when he talked to the Sydney Morning Herald.

"Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert," the Twilight star tells the Sydney Morning Herald. "I still can't get a date." Not that the 23-year-old actor is starved for attention. Far from it. "Like yesterday, I was having lunch down the road," he tells the paper. "We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it's like that all the time now."

I'm sorry, but complaining that 400 chicks are waiting outside to blow you doesn't make you sound like a sensitive, tortured soul, it just makes you sound hot for cock. Maybe you'd feel better if they waited outside with bedazzled manicure kits or that copy of Sweet Valley High you tried to buy on eBay, you big queer.

Robert Pattinson and his "girlfriend" somewhere at that one time doing tha...what? I don't know, you look it up!:

Robert Pattinson, star of the tween and middle-age woman porn, Twilight, has been knocking the ladies dead on the set of the sequel, New Moon. And by "knocking the ladies dead" I mean "he smells like ass". E! News reports:

We got word from people hotly preparing to work up in Vancouver for New Moon that Rob P. causes quite the commotion on set....He stinks. I mean, it's awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy," dishes someone who works in very close quarters with Pattz. Apparently our shaggy-haired love never rinses that bod of his, as Keanu and Brad have famously not done, as well, during extended periods of their hunky lives. Like, ever. And it's past the point of a little BO. "He completely reeks," complains an annoyed crewmember.

Since I'm a fancy gentleman, my hygiene and the hygiene of the ladies that I court is very important to me. Why, just last year I had to break up with a Russian model over this. I invited her to a party at my hotel suite and she just laid on my couch for three days. She even had her eyes open staring at the ceiling and wouldn't even talk to me. How rude! She started to smell pretty bad because she was too lazy to take a shower and she must have been cold too because her lips were blue. I called my bodyguard in about it, but he just ran out real fast then came back and wrapped her in a tarp and told me to come back later. I never saw her again, and quite frankly, I don't think I want to. The nerve of some people!

Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, defended the late Heath Ledger after a comedian at the Improv in Hollywood did an "impression" of Ledger. Entertainmentwise via the print copy of Us Magazine reports:

The comedian on stage is said to have simulated Heath convulsing on the floor - in reference to the alleged overdose he took in January earlier this year. According to U.S reports Robert and his pals immediately began booing and yelling at the distasteful routine. Onlookers say the boys shouted, "F**k you! You suck! Leave Heath Ledger alone!"

I had already made up my mind to hate this dude, but then he goes and does something like this. This sounds like some badass stuff I would do. You know, unless somebody then threatens me with physical violence. Then I blow the rape whistle that my mommy gave me.

Kristen Stewart attended the UK premiere of Twilight last night, and I need to take a trip to England because apparently they have the good weed. Everybody in these pictures is stoned off their ass. Just like when Kristen Stewart smoked pot on her porch. Look at these pictures, man. There's no way you can tell me that they didn't end up driving around looking for a Denny's at some point.


Note: The dude in these pictures is Stewart's Twilight co-star, Robert Pattinson, who's currently setting all the tween panties, and obviously the methadone clinic sign-in sheet, on fire.