Us Weekly is reporting that Scarlett Johansson hates Blake Lively.

Ex marks the sore spot for Scarlett Johansson! A source tells the new issue of Us Weekly (out Friday) that the 27-year-old is fuming that her ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds, has moved on with Gossip Girl's Blake Lively -- even though Johansson ended their two-year marriage one year ago. "Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore," the source tells Us. "She realized what a great catch Ryan was." When Johansson briefly dated Sean Penn for five months earlier this year, she effectively halted any plans for a reconciliation. "Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love," says the insider," but then she flaunted Sean right after their split, and he was done." Adding insult to injury for the Iron Man actress? Lively, 24, is sticking around as things get more serious with Reynolds. "Things are great [for Blake and Ryan]," says the source. "They haven't had a fight yet!"

There's only one solution for two surgically enhanced blondes who can't act when they're fighting over Deadpool. Quick! Someone get the Jell-o.

After foolishly believing that Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't just slumming and taking a break from supermodel pussy to feel mortal, Blake Lively is now reportedly giving her vagina to Ryan Reynolds. Psychologists I didn't ask say they bonded over the traumatic experience of making Green Lantern. E! Online reports:

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were a pretty hot-looking couple, and Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio weren't bad either, for that matter. So what about Reynolds and Lively? Heck, yeah! As we told you earlier this week, the Green Lantern costars were spotted on Friday on an Amtrak train from New York City to Boston. The following night, they reportedly had dinner for two at a Beantown sushi restaurant. Well, guess who were very lovey-dovey on Monday while waiting for a train at Boston's Back Bay station. It may have been the wee hours of the morning—it wasn't even 5 a.m. yet!—but so what? A source confirms they were making out and "all over each other" before Lively boarded the train for her return trip to NYC.

I don't have anything to add to this story except if you click the banner picture and stand up, you can pretend you're Ryan Reynolds.

"Charlize Theron? Yes, I'd agree that this is an upgrade. No further questions." - Ryan Reynolds' penis' imaginary press conference. Us Magazine reports:

A source tells the new issue of Us Weekly (out Wednesday) that the Green Lantern star, 34, and Charlize Theron, 35, "have been dating -- for months! They're exclusive, and it's very hush-hush." While the two haven't been photographed together, a witness noticed Reynolds' motorcycle at Theron's home all morning on June 5, then saw the actor exit her house around 3 p.m. -- and she left just minutes later. Has Reynolds (who split from wife Scarlett Johansson last December) found a perfect match? "They're both career-focused," explains the source, "but not in a crazy way." For instance, don't expect to see the stars side-by-side on a red carpet. "She won't go to an event with him," the insider says of Theron, who split with love of nine years Stuart Townsend in 2010. "That's not her style."

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson announced their split on December 10, 2010 and Reynolds filed for divorce 17 days later, because you can't be accused of cheating on your wife is she's not your wife. Everybody knows this.

Or she might not, depending on the day and what you're reading, but whatever. Continuing today's theme of blonde divorcees, Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be dating Sean Penn. What, did you expect her to somehow upgrade from Ryan Reynolds? E! Online reports:

You gotta admit, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn make a pretty sultry pair, especially when you line up their gossipy pasts! But are they, in fact, a real item, as Us Weekly attests?

And sure, that's some age gap—she's 26, he's 50. Not even Ashton and Demi are that far apart!

But all this scandalous talk about older love finding newer adoration is all crap, according to Scarlett's reps:"Scarlett and Sean are not dating—they have been friends for years," he insists. "Nothing more, nothing less. They have been talking over the last few months regarding Haiti Relief and Scarlett's upcoming trip to Haiti as Oxfam's Global Ambassador."

Sean's side hasn't been so quick to deny the dating scuttlebutt, but, we expect a denial...soon?

For the record, for those of you confused about Sean and Scarlett having other partners right now, it's perfectly understandable—both sexy stars are freshly out of their marriages (Robin Wright for him, Ryan Reynolds for her).

Also, you might be thinking you've heard this younger-thing about Sean before? Well, don't worry, you're not imagining things, you did. Mr. Penn has a way of getting pretty girls to act all come-hither with him, and, well, people do like to notice.

Maybe it's because he's got an Oscar, is a great humanitarian and he's actually trying to help the world heal, particularly in Haiti!?

Perhaps. I think, certainly in the case of Ms. Johansson, it has more to do with eligibility: Who in the world is going to fill stud-muffin Ryan's shoes, now that Scarlett seems to be done them, and him?

Sean Penn was married to Madonna and Princess Buttercup and banging supermodels the whole time, so I wouldn't put anything past him. Scarlett banged Benicio del Toro in an elevator, so going from the future Deadpool to someone old enough to be her dad isn't that shocking either. I'd rather her deal with her divorce by rebounding than by recording another album. Save all that for Ryan's other ex. The one with smaller boobs and bigger talent.

My soul needs to believe this. National Enquirer reports:

"You're a man-hungry tramp!" SCARLETT JOHANSSON exploded in rage when her pal SANDRA BULLOCK betrayed her by cozying up to estranged hubby RYAN REYNOLDS -- before the ink on their divorce papers was even dry. The blonde beauty, 26, wanted her bitter words to get back to Sandra "because she still has intense feelings for Ryan and feels Sandra isn't respecting that at all," revealed a friend. Scarlett is having second thoughts about her recent split and has been holding out hope of reconciliation - -but now Sandy has captured Ryan's attention and has even gone out on the town with him. "Sandra may be known as 'America's Sweetheart,' but she's NO sweetheart to Scarlett," declared the friend.

Ok, here's the deal. Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock, two former co-stars, ran into each other one night then talked and bonded over their recent divorces. That's it. Nothing to see here. Scarlett tried to throw the pussy at Leonardo DiCaprio recently, so I really don't think she's sitting at home cutting out pictures of Sandra Bullock and taping them to her wall and drawing Xs over the eyes. But if Scarlett and Sandra really want to get in a fight, that's cool. Oh, and can it involve pillows? And something double-sided? You have a pen? You writing this all down? C'mom, man. I gotta be somewhere.

If you've been up at night wondering if Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson would reconcile their differences and save the world from seeing two rich, privileged white people let their love die, sorry. TMZ reports:

Ryan Reynolds just officially filed for divorce from Scarlett Johansson, but all signs point to a more-than-amicable parting of ways ... and TMZ has Ryan's petition and Scarlett's reply. Scarlett's response to Ryan's petition was filed at the same time -- a strong indication the two of them coordinated the court filings. Neither party is asking for spousal support. Sources tell TMZ there is no prenup, and Ryan made more money than Scarlett during their 2-year marriage. Ryan lists the date of separation as December 14, 2010. Scarlett agrees on the date. Since everything they earned is community property, presumably it will be divided 50/50, though the petitions say property rights are yet to be determined. Although the divorce is friendly, they aren't taking any chances. Ryan has hired disso-queen Laura Wasser, and Scarlett has retained Lynn Soodik.

Well, at least they tried. And by "tried" I mean Ryan Reynolds had exclusive motorboating rights to Scarlett's insane rack for two years, now he gets to take half her shit. Is there some kind of class I take on how to do this? I mean, just give me test. I think I'm pretty good at both of those things.

Hey, remember that whole "and we're told it's amicable" thing? Yeah. Not so much. Us Magazine reports:

On Friday Dec. 10 -- four days before she and Ryan Reynolds confirmed their split -- a witness spotted the actress, 26, storm angrily into the Manhattan apartment building where she and Reynolds lived. Wearing a baseball cap, Johansson looked "miserable," the observer tells the new Us Weekly. "She was screaming into her phone, referring to someone as a 'jerk.' She looked really pissed off."

Well, yeah. She's getting a divorce. I assume she's not taking it very well. You know what I'm taking well? The Panthers thinking they're getting coached by Denzel Washington all of a sudden. You're 2-12, stop it. I swear John Fox, if you screw us out of Cam Newton or Andrew Luck I will BURN THIS MOTHAFUCKA TO THE GROUND.

I wondered why the clouds parted and the sun winked at me this morning. Good lookin' out, sun. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson have separated. We're told Ryan and Scarlett are living apart. And we're told it's amicable. The couple was married in September, 2008.

Besides that time Dennis Hopper was in a coma, Ryan Reynolds is quite possibly the worst actor alive today. In contrast, Scarlett Johansson has a massive rack. I really don't know how those two things relate, but again, massive rack. Thanks. Have a good day.