I had this long-winded intro for this video, but just skip to 5:25. I can't think of any scenario where I would ask a magical genie to turn me into a starving black baby, but we can go ahead and make this #1 on my list of possibles.

Last Night, Salma Hayek was making weird poses at the 2008 National Board Of Review Of Motion Pictures Awards Gala and showing off her post-mommy boobs in a gold strapless number.



Which got us thinking: those boobs are great, but my mammary memory is only so good. What if childbirth really didn't bless us with better Salma Hayek boobs?

So, I took it upon myself to track down pictures of Salma attending a premiere for 54, the Studio 54 movie, from 1998.




Verdict: Boobs are better on younger Salma, but bonus points for no longer donning her tranny makeup for events. If that really is her style, she was probably impregnated with a bag over her head.

I had a dream once that Soledad O'Brien washed my truck in a nurse outfit and a Santa hat, and that's been pretty much the best thing I've seen involving CNN. Until last night. When I found out who showed up to CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute. Salma Hayek, Jessica Biel, Eliza Dushku, and Kate Beckinsale look absolutely fantastic. I wasn't going to mention this, but I should have seen them in person. Not to brag, but some people consider me a hero. Why, just last week, I rescued a kitten from a tree and taught a fatherless black kid how to fly a kite.

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I haven't watched 30 Rock in a while, but that's about to change. Here's Salma Hayek and her insane rack filming a guest appearance. Jesus, her bras must be made by magical woodland creatures because there's no way tits should look that good. I have no idea what would happen if Salma was standing naked in front of me, but I can almost guarantee it would involve a hand towel and an awkward apology.


Photos: Splash

Salma Hayek appeared on the German television show, Wetten Dass...?, and something something something she has huge breasts. The Sun reports:

The Latina actress not only has a pretty face and great body, but she also has a cleavage to die for. And she made the most of her God-given talents on German TV show Wetten Dass...? by wearing a tight-fitting, traditional Bavarian dress. The stunning actress was joined by top fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld, who couldn't his eyes off her ample charms."

You'll probably never get to see a hot Latina with a gigantic rack in dress like this again without hiding the credit card bills from your wife, so sorry about that, dude. But you won't be walking away empty-handed. Oh, no. Relive your experience with the IDLYITW Home Game!

In March of last year, Salma Hayek came out of nowhere and said she was pregnant and engaged to French billionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault. It was a shock, because nobody knew she was even dating anyone. Now, it looks like the love has gone. It's strange how that happens immediately after you give birth to a kid whose dad is worth $14.5 billion. USA Today reports:

Mexican-born actress Salma Hayek and French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault have called off their engagement, their representative confirms to USA TODAY. "We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled.."

When asked for comment, Salma Hayek said, "Cha-ching!" Then she pretended to pull the handle on an old-fashioned cash register. Then she did the worm. I hope she is able to find someone soon who will be able to mend her broken heart.

Salma and baby Valentina in Malibu on July 13th:


Photos: Splash

Guests at Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party at Socialista on February 7th, who included Demi Moore, Madonna, Lucy Liu, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson and Bruce Willis, have been urged to get tested and vaccinated for hepatitis after an employee at the West Village nightspot was diagnosed with the disease. Page Six reports:

A Socialista bartender named Leif, who's now in the hospital, was diagnosed with a raging case of Hep A. We're told the Health Department yesterday visited the club that former Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Armiri opened last fall, but Armiri said, "We're not closed down, we're just concerned for our customers."

That's weird, because if they wanted me to get concerned, with the exception of Bruce Willis, they should've come up with a better list of names than this. Madonna and Lucy Liu might have hepatitis? Oh my, heavens no! Are they all right? Will they be okay? Will Lucy Liu's agent still be able to cast her as fourth alternate in the next Gwen Stefani video? Man, I sure do hope so!

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Rumer Willis, and Salma Hayek last night:

Salma Hayek has been pregnant for like two years now, and at this point I don't even want to guess what she's having. It could turn out to be a human baby or it could turn out to be an elephant. There's no telling. The only thing I do know is that Salma Hayek used to be one one hottest pieces of ass working in Hollywood, now she looks like she works at Monsters Inc. So if you ever see her walking down the street it's ok to point and scream. Monstropolis actually depends on it.