Sarah Jessica Parker has a new movie out, so her crypt was opened and she was let out to go on Letterman. Before her taping, she was given virgin blood and stood outside where she made an X on people's magazines with her talon claws. Christ, this has to be the ugliest bitch in Hollywood. If I had to pay $12.50 to sit in the dark and see a closeup of her face on a 30 foot screen, I'd also expect to see strobes lights inside a jack-o-lantern and a guy running down the aisle with a chainsaw, because obviously I'd be on a haunted house ride.

I assume it's hard to be self-aware when you look like a petrified mummy yet are constantly praised by lonely, bitter women everywhere as a "unique beauty" and a fashion icon because you can afford to pay a stylist, but Sarah Jessica Parker seems to understand. E! reports:

Sex and the City has never shied away from showing skin—especially breasts. But don't ask Sarah Jessica Parker to join in on the nakedness…"You don't want to see me topless," Parker, 45, told me with a laugh from New York City, where she's been promoting Sex and the City 2. "You really don't."

When you star in a movie about four oversexed cougars and Charlotte Davis is supposed to be the "hot" one, you might want to ask the bartender to make your Metamucil a double then reflect on your life. The cast looks like something Indiana Jones has to fight to get something that belongs in a museum. If you saw this banner picture walking toward you in real life, you have to double check to make sure you weren't in the Monroeville Mall.

Sarah Jessica Parker has always been a natural beauty, and although that's never been true, she is now making sure villagers want to chase her to the mill. Daily Mail reports:

Stepping out in New York last week, it appeared the actress was looking skinnier than ever amid reports she has lost a stone and dropped two dress sizes in recent months. The 45-year-old's usually toned arms were replaced by sinewy arms and bulging veins as she walked her son James Wilkie to school. Despite her busy lifestyle, friends of the star are claiming she has become 'obsessed' with dieting and gym, leading her to drop even more pounds. The 5ft 3in star is said to have dropped from 7 1/2 stone to 6 1/2 stone, meaning she has a BMI of just 16.1 - considerably under the healthy range minimum of 18.5.

Filming Sex And The City last September, Parker cut a healthy size 8 (US size 4) frame, but is now thought to be a size 4 (US size 0). A friend claims in the new issue of Closer magazine: 'She's always been health conscious, but this is a whole new level. 'She's worried she's looking old and feels she needs to up her workout regime to stay healthy, but it's as though she's become obsessed.

Please keep in mind that the banner pic is going to me the main character in Sex And The City 2. A movie about how every successful man in NYC wants to bang this hag. If Carrie Bradshaw doesn't have a brain in her hand and doesn't say, "Send...more...paramedics...", I don't think there's hydraulic jack big enough to fix my suspension of disbelief.

There was a rumor started yesterday, apparently for a queer's April Fools joke, that Sarah Jessica Parker and her 7-year old son died in a car accident. They didn't. Feel free to be happy or disappointed.

So don't believe the hype. The Sarah Jessica Parker dead news is false. If it were true, you'd see reports that Sarah Jessica Parker died broadcast on your news everywhere. Rest assured Miss Parker is still alive and will be appearing in the upcoming Sex and the City movie sequel which arrives May 28th, 2010 to theaters everywhere.

I'm not sure if the bolded part of this quote is to make me feel better or is some kind of threat, but as it clearly says, Sarah Jessica Parker is still alive. And according that banner, it's obvious the virgin blood she drinks and the little kids she cooks in her cauldron are her source of strength. So if you ever hit this hag with your car, immediately place a cross on her chest. You might want to throw in a garlic necklace just in case. You can never be too sure with lapdogs of Satan.

I have no idea who Sarah Jessica Parker's stylist is, but whoever she is, she might as well take a mummy to Urban Outfitters. Sure she can dress him up to make him look like he likes $10 PBR's and giving looks of exasperated condescension to anyone who isn't Communist, but it will be obvious to everyone at the coffee shop across the street from his art history building that he just might be an undead corpse whose body has been awakened by an ancient Egyptian curse. His lust for blood insatiable, his thirst for vengeance unleashed.

Splash News didn't have 7 pics of this hag, so the last one is a picture of Molly Ringwald. Who looks like she needs Jake Ryan to bring her about 46 more candles:

When your magazine's name is Glamour and you put Sarah Jessica Parker on the cover, it might be hard for your readers to tell if you're being sarcastic. Namely, because Sarah Jessica Parker looks like one of the Ben 10. Christ, she's hideous. If I saw her walking down the street, I wouldn't know whether to aim for the brain or try to find some silver because it's obvious that she will not stop. Ever. Until we are all dead. Her hunger for brains insatiable, her thirst for blood pure evil.

Rob Zombie's Sex and the City 2 is still filming in NYC, and based on what the caption of the pictures said, here's Sarah Jessica Parker filming an "80's flashback" scene. And while you look at these, please keep in mind that the plot of this whole series is hot, young guys are lining up to bang four of the ugliest chicks in New York. They must pay Sarah Jessica Parker in carrots and Kim Cattrall in Boniva, because there's no way this crap should be making money otherwise. Jesus, just look at this beast's hands. The only way she'd get laid in real life is if the Jigsaw Killer was involved somehow.

Hollywood is a wondrous land of fantasy and make believe where cars can turn into outer space robots, white girls can win a hip-hop dance scholarship, and where all the hot 20-something guys in New York City are falling over themselves to bang what you see in that banner picture. That of course is Sarah Jessica Parker on the set of George Romero's Sex and the City 2. Seriously, look at that picture. Instead of buying her a Cosmopolitan or a pair of Christian Louboutins, I'd be getting everyone in the cellar and trying to figure out how to get my truck to the gas pump, because obviously the first words I can see coming out of that banner picture's mouth is "BRAINS!!!"