Unable to control his wife's thoughts and actions by himself, Tom Cruise sent Katie Holmes to a Scientology bootcamp where she was kept under 24-hour surveillance and subject to lie detector tests and marathon auditing sessions. Star Magazine says:

In the new issue of Star, we report exclusively on how Katie was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the remote, supersecret Scientology compound in Hemet, Calif., where she was put through a demanding schedule. "It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes," a Scientology insider reveals. "Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." Katie's intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie's been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight - with little sleep or food."

Man, this is sure to put the fire back in their relationship. Because if women love anything, it's being held against their will and told how to think and act. Maybe if Katie starts behaving herself Tom can brand her with a hot iron or tie a cannonball to her leg whenever she goes outside. How romantic!

See more about Gold Base including pictures at Lermanet.com

Tom and Katie at Victoria Beckham's birthday party on April 20th:

The full Jason Beghe/Scientology interview was posted on Mark Bunker's blog and you can see all seven parts here. I hate to give anything away, but Scientology is a scam designed to take your money and give you "freedom" by taking away everything you know and love. Yes, shocking, I know. FOX News reports:

You believe it, you invest your time and money." It's the getting out that's painful, Jason says, because people don't want to believe they've been conned. "You can't be a fool, that's too much to confront."..."In 9th grade I met this kid, my best friend...He came to my class and I said, 'You and I are going to be friends.' [That's] David Duchovny. My best friend. Our relationship was aversely affected [by being in Scientology]. He was very cool but he wasn't into it. I think his wife...I perceived that she [didn't like it]. And they were right. He was called a 1-1-SP. It affected our relationship."

"One of the first people I went to see [when I left Scientology] was David. I went over to his house, and we were walking around. We talked about it a little bit. He doesn't watch South Park and doesn't know about all this stuff. I explained OT to him," Beghe said of the high level you can pay to attain the sect.

"I started explaining to him about Xenu and the loyal officers" - a basic story from L. Ron Hubbard's science fiction. "I couldn't get a third of the way through the story and we had our faces on the floor. We were laughing so hard. I mean you couldn't even talk. It's so retarded."

Wow. If Jason Beghe wakes up five counties over in a field with a pentagram carved in his chest one day, I think I might be able to call the Crime Stoppers hotline with some information that might help out.

Tea Leoni, David Duchovny's wife:

Although the official reason was "copyright issues," the YouTube account created by Mark Bunker, the videographer who interviewed actor Jason Beghe in the now classic anti-Scientology clip, was deleted due to assumed pressure from The Church of $cientology. However, Bunker has vowed that the full interview will be seen in it's entirety, and that Scientology can no longer stop the flood of public opinion that believes Scientology is a dangerous cult. But just how incredibly insane is Scientology? Oh, it's much, much worse than you thought. FOX News reports:

The more he describes the Scientology experience, the scarier it sounds. As he told me the other day: "A Scientologist who's 'clear' believes he's no longer a Homosapien. He's Homo-novis, a new race. They believe they are the only hope for this section of the galaxy, starting with planet Earth." Yes, Tom Cruise and John Travolta evidently believe this, Beghe says....Beghe also told me that one possible theory for why the careers of Scientologists tend to go south is that the famous actors, such as Jenna Elfman or Juliette Lewis, "get so involved in thinking only they can save the world" that the sect overwhelms them. This may be true: Elfman has had little luck since the cancellation of "Dharma and Greg," Lewis gets little acting work, Elfman's husband, Bodhi, is only known because of Jenna and rocker Beck hasn't had a real hit album since "Odelay" back in 1996."

If Tom Cruise and John Travolta are the only hope for the galaxy we should all call our loved ones right now and go bite down on an Uzi. Thankfully it shouldn't come to that because I just bought some possessed robot bears on eBay and I've trained them to attack anybody wearing hair plugs and shoe lifts. "Behold, Homo-novis! Attack!"

Mark Bunker's response:


Famous Scientologists being objectified:

Erika Christensen:


Leah Remini:


Jenna Elfman:


Thanks to all who emailed for the heads up!

Jason Beghe, who was the "Best Man" at David Duchovny's wedding and has a pretty decent list of acting credits has been a member of The Cult Church Of Scientology since 1994. He has reached level "OT V," similar to that of Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Kirstie Alley. Fox News reports:

Scientology is destructive and a rip-off." He also says: "It's very, very dangerous for your spiritual, psychological, mental, emotional health and evolution. I think it stunts your evolution. If Scientology is real, then something's fucked up."...Beghe still uses a lot of Scientology lingo like "OT" and "clear." Still, it's quite easy to understand the point he's making. After 14 years and a tremendous amount of money, he's seeing Scientology in a different light."

If I joined Scientology I'd fully expect to be able to take a class on dolphin torturing, because The Church Of Scientology is sounding more and more like a place that would offer it.

Jason Beghe was on an episode of J.A.G. and Veronica Mars one time, so here's Scientologist Catherine Bell and Not-Scientologist Kristen Bell. Dichotomy, tits:

In 2006, after a 14 year relationship, Tom Cruise and his production company were fired by Viacom/Paramount Pictures chairman, Sumner Redstone. Redstone made it perfectly clear that the move was solely due to Cruise's erratic behavior, claiming Cruise single-handedly cost M:I:3 $150 million in lost revenue. Almost immediately, Cruise and his production partner, Paula Wagner, were offered a minority stake in United Artists, in hopes the pair could resurrect the studio co-founded by Charlie Chaplin. Yeah, that's not really working out. Page Six says:

Last year's UA/Cruise movie "Lions for Lambs" was made for $35 million, but it grossed only $14.9 million. Now, another starring vehicle, "Valkyrie" - in which he plays a Nazi who tries to kill Hitler - has been pushed back for the third time, to February 2009. "Valkyrie" has not had good buzz and has already cost UA and MGM close to $90 million - and director Bryan Singer is still not finished shooting. Plus, execs are said to be perplexed about how to market the melodrama."

Man, what a year it's been for Tom Cruise. An artist's rendition of his 2008 includes Tom Cruise wearing roller skates and a rocket on his back, and a train tunnel painted on the side of a mountain.

Tom Cruise in a photo-op with his daughter, Suri:

Jennifer Lopez has repeatedly denied that she is a Scientologist. I guess one way to combat rumors that you belong to a cult is to ask its most famous member to be the godfather of your newborn twins. Showbiz Spy says:

The 'Jenny From The Block' singer - who gave birth to son Max and daughter Emme on February 22 - has convinced husband Marc Anthony to give Tom the role despite their differences in religious beliefs. Tom, a devout follower of the mysterious religion of Scientology; Lopez and Anthony Catholic. "Tom is delighted. Marc wasn't sure if it was a good idea to have a Scientologist as the kids' godfather, especially as he and Jennifer are both Catholic. But in the end Jennifer managed to convince him to agree." Tom - who has a 2-year-old daughter, Suri, with wife Katie Holmes - has already showered the twins with gifts. The actor reportedly spent around $200,000 on designer christening outfits for Max and Emme, ordered a giant fish tank for their nursery and gave them complete Disney DVD box sets. It has also been claimed Tom and Katie planned to host a star-studded $200,000 'Welcome to the World' themed-party for the fraternal twins."

Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez aren't even that great of friends, so this can only mean that Lopez has promised these kids to Tom Cruise on their 16th birthday in exchange for a semblance of a career. When their time comes, the children shall carry out their master's will. "You will be mine," Tom Cruise said as he patted their heads, "Oh yes, you will be mine."


Photos: Splash

The pressure of being a robot wife with no independent thought is apparently too much for Katie Holmes as she has been reportedly suffering from dizzy spells and debilitating headaches for weeks. Although the cause of these blackouts and fainting spells is unknown, sources say that Katie Holmes, even though very thin, wants to be skinnier and is obsessed with dieting. Star Magazine reports:

When Katie recently lunched at her favorite restaurant, L.A.'s Joan's on Third, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. She seemed exhausted, her skin was pale, and she looked feeble and emaciated. "She gave us a weak smile and wave before leaving out the back door," says an eyewitness at the restaurant. Once outside, a confused and unsteady Katie braced herself against the doorframe before her bodyguard carefully guided her into a waiting SUV."

However, the main reason for Katie Holmes' health problems appears to be Tom Cruise himself. With his high energy and intensity coupled with his exacting nature, Holmes appears to be crumbling under Cruise's unrealistic expectations:

To complicate matters even further, while Tom goes off for days at a time ("His rule is 'You can be with me, but don't ask about it,'" says a source), Katie is overseeing the interior design of their lavish $35 million Beverly Hills mansion. "To him, the home is a status symbol," says a source, "so it's on Katie's shoulders to pull off something beyond magnificent, something Tom can brag about. She's giving herself headaches thinking about it and making herself sick."

Man, poor Katie. Headaches? A $35 million mansion? When oh when will God deliver her from this suffering?

Katie Holmes, pre-assimilation:

Tom Cruise is a psychopath with a God complex, so every chance to relentlessly ridicule him is always welcomed. Like this video. There have been a few hundred parodies of this this Tom Cruise insane rant, but this clip from Superhero Movie pretty much nails it. Instead of this they could've had a video of Tom Cruise being clubbed by caveman. You probably couldn't tell the difference.


Thanks, Julia!