Shauna Sand is in a bikini in almost every picture she takes, but here she is with half of it off. I know I'm supposed to get excited about topless pictures, but my penis is so unimpressed he looks like a quadriplegic trying to swim. It's not happening. Because, just so we're clear, you're about to look at Shauna Sand's tits. You have a better chance of seeing something less scary if you were on board the Event Horizon.

If you're in a safe place and you want to take a long look at the unadulterated hell that are Shauna Sand's tits, feel free to stare into the abyss HERE (VERY NSFW). But be warned, when you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you.

Technically, Shauna Sand is a female. But so was the chick who stole Ariel's singing voice. I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you are, it doesn't automatically mean you should be wearing a bikini. In fact, in means you should be wearing a stick collar or a net or whatever it is people use when they find previously undiscovered sea monsters.

Shauna Sand is continuing her bikini assault in Miami and my God she really needs to go home. Yes, I know she used to look like this (very, very NSFW), but something has gone horribly wrong. People blame plastic surgery, but let's not be quick to rule out the possibility that she teleported with a fly.



Photo credit: Splash

The visual dry heave Shauna Sand is still in Miami and she's still bikini. Why? Isn't Miami hot? Shouldn't this plastic skank have melted already? When she dies she's going to a recycling bin instead of a grave, so what's the hold up sun? Oh, quit being such a pussy.

Shauna Sand is either a butter-face or a Picasso, I would need to get a little closer to the rear of her to find out. Either way, when approaching Shauna Sand, it's best to have a paper bag with eye-holes cut into it ready to go.

Here she is on the beach with her husband (a continuation of yesterday's plastic) which is kind of bizarre considering she filed a restraining order against him in December:

Shauna Sand claims she was choked, punched and thrown across a room in front of her children -- and the bastard behind the alleged beatings is her very own husband.

The former Playmate received a temporary restraining order against Romain Chavent yesterday, after she filed documents in L.A. County Superior Court alleging that this weekend, her French hubby "hit me in the breasts, which i just had reconstructive surgery." It's the latest in a string of alleged violent abuse.

Among the claims, Shauna says Romain once "threatened to sell nude photos of my children that he took of them when he was babysitting."

The kind of guy that takes nude photos of children while babystitting them, just on the off chance he can later use it for blackmail is a sick dude, even by my standards.

But I bet he keeps his supply of paper bags handy.

I don't know how much the guy who sat in his van all day eating onion rings and taking these pictures of Shauna Sand in Miami got paid, because whatever it is, it's not enough. He deserves some kind of medal. Because I'm pretty sure if I saw this coming out of the water I would stab it in the brain and call my local government authorities because it would be very obvious to me that monsters from the deep had commenced their attack.

Jessica Alba has her body back [Lainey Gossip]
Suri Cruise is not amused [Dlisted]
Aubrey O'Day is a hippie with fake boobs [Hollywood Tuna]
Snoop Dogg is super stoned with babes [Hollywood Rag]
Reese and Jake are still together [Popsugar]
Britney Spears cameltoe of the future [City Rag]
Cheryl Tweedy drops some cleavage [Popoholic]
Kate Hudson flees paparazzi [Just Jared]
Carole Bouquet is topless (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Olivia Munn is getting hosed [Egotastic]
Natalie Portman is on set [Socialite Life]
Cat Flushing the Toilet [College Humor]
Annalynne McCord is a clown in leather leggings (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]

Shauna Sand dressed as herself for Halloween:

Who knows why Shauna Sand decided to go to Miami this weekend. If I had to guess, I'd say she went there to remind us of her timeless beauty. I must admit, sometimes I take it for granted.