As previously reported and probably immediately known by everyone as soon as she denied she was pregnant, Snooki has whored out her pregnancy and her baby to US Weekly. Because, you know, she wants to be great parent and do things the right way. Us Magazine reports:

After weeks of rumors (Ed.'s note: "After weeks of negotiations with several media outlets" FIXED.), Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi confirms exclusively in the new Us Weekly that she is 15 weeks pregnant -- and engaged to the father, beau of one and a half years Jionni LaValle. And the Jersey Shore star and LaValle, both 24, know just what detractors are thinking, they tell Us. "I have different priorities now," reformed party girl Snooki says. "I don't care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I'm ready and he's ready." Adds LaValle: "We are not going to screw this up."

Whatever. I guess they have to make money while they can. I don't think babies make that much modeling for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Weekly.

Because a fetus should be a way for you to diversify your income, Snooki denied being pregnant while secretly negotiating a deal with Us Weekly to sell the rights to her....wait for it...pregnancy. So I guess when you see the magazine cover, try to act surprised. New York Post reports:

The universe’s collective IQ should prepare to drop a few points. Though she has publicly denied she’s expecting, sources say trashy “Jersey Shore” guidette Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is indeed pregnant and has plans to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming “the next Kourtney Kardashian.” We’re told Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along. Sources said the reality star, who denied being preggers earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines.

Wow, a drunk slut who bangs randoms got pregnant? Tell us more about this rare phenomena Us Weekly! Whatever. Hopefully when people see this cover it will remove the stigma from kicking women down a flight of stairs when they're pregnant. Or maybe Obama will issue an executive order allowing the American people the right to perform a citizen's abortion in cases like this. Oh, please. It's not like this kid is going to develop a hybrid clean coal combustion system or split the atom for his 3rd grade science fair. He's gonna be in an Affliction onesie with melanoma before he's six months because his idiot mother wanted to give him a base. And if he lives to 10 his Make-A-Wish will be to carjack somebody.

Snooki and J-Woww are under strict rules from Jersey City officials for their spin off. TMZ reports:

Snooki and Jwoww will be on some seriously thin ice when they begin shooting their new reality show in Jersey City ... because the cops will be assigned to watch their asses AT ALL TIMES. TMZ has learned ... officials in Jersey City refused to a grant a permit to shoot the show UNLESS they agreed to some seriously strict rules. 1) The show must allow at least four Jersey City PD officers to be stationed at Jwoww and Snooki's home at all times. 2) The cops will stay with the cast and crew when they leave the home. Cops have agreed to keep an appropriate distance from the operation, so they don't get in the way of production. 3) If MORE cops are called in to handle an incident due to events related to the show, producers MUST reimburse Jersey City for all related costs. Officials have also made it clear ... cops are taking the situation very seriously and will take action ... even on the cast ... if any state or city laws are broken. Ultimately, producers agreed ... and got the permit. Production is scheduled to begin later this month.

The only protection appropriate for any castmember of this show should involve a Flux Capacitor, prophylactics, and their parents. I don't understand why they're doing another show in the first place. The only way a Jersey Shore spinoff would be worth watching is if it were filmed in Camden.

Peace out, civilization. Radar Online reports:

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is about to drop her most scandalous bombshell ever, Star magazine has exclusively learned. The pint-sized reality star and her boyfriend of a year, Jionni LaValle, are expecting their first child, reveals the upcoming issue of Star. “She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family,” an insider said. Never one to keep her mouth shut, the 24-year-old can’t resist hinting publicly at her baby joy, explained the source: “She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming.” Snooki will soon be starring in a Jersey Shore spin off with her MTV co-star Jenni “J-Woww” Farley and her new arrival will be part of the plot. “They are having to redo the creative direction of her spin-off because of her pregnancy.” Despite her recent high profile slim down, the reality star has been dropping clues on social networking sites that she may be in the family way. “I feel sick,” she admitted in a January 25 post on her Facebook page, then later tweeted: “Late night craving...yogurt hits the fricken spot!”

Just for some perspective, the Duggars had 19 kids, Snooki is pregnant, and Kelly Brook can't carry a baby to term. If you had any doubt that God is dead, I'm pretty sure it's gone now.

In an attempt to make me pro-SOPA, Snooki posted a picture of herself on Twitter yesterday without makeup on. Why? Who the fuck knows. Chicks do that sometimes to get compiments. Sorta like how white guys buy things for women they aren't sleeping with. Anyway, a lot of blogs are saying that she look great here, but please understand this is still Snooki. Without makeup. That's it. She still looks like her former employer was Wonka's Chocolate Factory and the elevated BAC and future outbreaks are still on the table. I'm not saying she's unattractive, I'm just saying she's not aesthetically pleasing to the eye in any possible way. So let's just take a deep breath and calm, everybody. Let's try not to get too carried away here.

She doesn't think she got enough money for putting her name on things. Like lingerie. No, really. The New York Post reports:

A High-profile licensing deal inked by Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi to put the guidette’s name on everything from denim and lingerie to home goods has wound up in court. Polizzi filed a complaint last month in Ulster County, NY — the “Jersey Shore” star’s legal residence — to end her partnership with SRG Ventures after the deal grabbed headlines earlier this year. SRG has worked with brands including the US Olympic Committee’s Team USA, Hohm and the Marilyn Monroe brand. But now Snooki is looking to get out of the pact, Page Six has learned, claiming it wasn’t as lucrative as agreed upon. Meanwhile, SRG filed a motion yesterday to move the case to New York City in preparation for a counter-suit. Snooki’s lawyers allege in court papers that SRG “failed to secure” royalty guarantees of at least $250,000 and a license from a major retailer for another $250,000, as the contract called for. It also says the SRG didn’t bring in “five licenses approved by [Polizzi].” But SRG says it has a “preponderance of evidence” that it did achieve those “performance benchmarks,” and says the gnomish reality star is herself in breach of contract.

On the bright side, if she loses the lawsuit and stops rotting brains from every imaginable medium, she can probably go back to her old position. I'm pretty sure the Chocolate Factory has union benefits.

For people who actually know how to read, you'd figure you're just as likely to see Snooki in a book store as you are to see Captain Howdy in church. This is her second book. Her first was a bestseller. Nowhere is safe. Stock up on Valtrex, fill your tanks, and aim for the head.

Snooki's boyfriend wants to get married. And breed. The New York Post reports:

Snooki's equally pint-sized boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, told us he's looking forward to a marriage with the "Jersey Shore" star. "She's a good girl," he told us at the YRB magazine cover party for the "Jersey Shore" girls at District 36, where the two celebrated their 10-month anniversary of dating. When asked if marriage was in the future, he said, "Hopefully." If the two decide to have babies, LaValle said he wouldn't allow them on a reality TV show but added, "She probably would."

Man, fuck this. Aside from infecting the gene pool and basic cable, do you have any idea how much an advantage their kids are going to have in the zombie apocalypse? They're going to be too small to catch and so braindead that no one's gonna chase them anyway. I guess Special Olympians have an edge too.