Since she is so inherently generous yet adorably insecure (my plan is working, btw), Sophie Turner tweeted this yesterday:

Unedited pic (straight from the camera)... be kind!

I don't know. I really can't tell the difference. I just wonder what her stomach would look like with a million of my possible children on it. Sorry. Sometimes I like to be romantic. I read somewhere that women like when you talk about having children with them and chocolate and stuff like that.

Although it was a prison colony filled with kangaroos and Aborigines, Australia has produced some pretty cool stuff. Namely, my imaginary ex-girlfriend Sophie Turner and her damn near perfect body. I say "damn near" perfect, because all the dating seminars and DVDs I have say you should make a woman feel insecure so she'll want to have sex with you. My instructor said I'll get the hang of it once I can go into a bar and not run and hide when a woman talks to me. He says to just focus on my breathing. Awww yeah, Sophie! You hear that?! Won't be long now!

It doubt that she's ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon or asked the grinning bobcat why he grins, but here's Sophie Turner as Pocahontas. I think that means she wants me to rape her then force into a loveless marriage to ensure friendly commerce and trade with Powhatan. I mean, why wear a costume if you don't want to make it historically accurate?

Sophie Turner and I decided to take a break from our imaginary sexual relationship to see other people recently, mostly because she has no idea who I am and the fact that she's too busy doing Half Off Hollywood. By the way, what is that? Is that some sort of euphemism for banging Jeremy Piven behind my back? Huh, is that what that means?! How could you?! Should I shave my head then get hair plugs? Will that make you love me, Sophie?! Whew, anyway. Sorry about that. I guess the point of this post is that Sophie uploaded these pics of a her recent photoshoot to her Twitter last night. I'm not sure how gay the photographer was to point the camera at her and not take a picture of this, but anyway, here they are. As you can see, she's not just content to steal my heart. She also apparently stole Marisa Miller's stomach.

Don't get me wrong, if every woman looked like Sophie Turner there would be no wars or hunger or famine and Jesus would look down and have no need to come back down because he would smile and see that all was good. Look, don't ask questions. But if you're gonna do Playboy, do fucking Playboy. What is, this the Nordstrom catalog? The chicks at Playboy put on clothes "after hours"? I don't get it. Whatever. I'm just glad we broke out a new pose, because you know when you draw on the corner of a bunch of pages then flip the pages really fast then those pictures tell a story? If you stack up all Sophie Turner's pictures then flip them really fast they tell the story of how her back her arched and her ass is in the air.

My estranged, imaginary wife, Sophie Turner, has finally figured out how to use Twitter properly, so yesterday she posted this. I mean, that's great and all, but what about this? If this is gonna work, she really needs to understand boundaries. You're smothering me, man!

My betrothed recently got jealous and thought I was cheating on her, but me and that other girl were just talking. C'mon, darlin'. Don't be mad. That was just pillow talk, baby.

Oh, btw. Sophie Turner-Todd was someplace doing something in this dress:

Proving there is nothing that can contain the hotness of her damn near perfect ass, my baby mama Sophie Turner was at Mint last night showing onlookers what the word "curvy" actually means. We haven't spoken since our sexual tension filled interview, but she needs to understand that my heart is like a wild mustang that can't be tamed. And even though her spray tan is a little uneven, she should know there is no unevenness in the strings that play the symphony in my soul whenever I see her ass. You can tell in these pictures that she's about to call me, but somebody apparently interrupted her. "Hey, Sophie. I walked by your table and saw you left your to go box inside sooo...., " Christina Hendricks was quoted as saying.