Taylor Swift and her adorable squinty ass hosted SNL this weekend, and her monologue was actually kinda cute. SNL is about as funny as a puppy with cancer that just got hit by a truck, so this is pretty much all I could watch. She's apparently in love with a Native American that turns into a wolf. I think that helps my chances. I'm Native American and I have a Three Wolf t-shirt. It let's the ladies know that, like a wolf, I am a mysterious loner who knows how to howl at the moon. Call me ladies.

Instead of blaming his desperate need for acknowledgement and acceptance brought on by his mommy issues and narcissistic God complex, Kanye West is blaming the makers of Hennessey for making him run and whine on the stage at the MTV VMA's to interrupt Taylor Swift's acceptance speech like a 3-year old who just dropped an ice cream cone. Of course it was. If it wasn't for Hennessey, Kanye would be a completely rational and sane person who solves problems and diffuses potential conflicts with logic and reason. Screw you, evil Hennessey!! MSNBC reports:

Star magazine and other publications are reporting that West is blaming alcohol for his breach in decorum, and that as soon as West wraps his “Fame Kills” tour with Lady Gaga this January, he’ll head to rehab.West hasn’t blogged about it, there was no comment from his camp, and friends close to West say it’s not true, so maybe this is just the product of a game of telephone gone awry during a slow news week. But if there’s a real reason for West to go to rehab, of course, he should go.

Of course, Kanye isn't going to rehab. There's no cameras or microphones there for him to annoy to the shit out of people. The only way you could get this jackass to go is if Ryan Seacrest suddenly became executive producer of a treatment facility.

I have no idea who Krystal Forscutt is, but when I entered "Kanye West" in the Splash pic forums, these pictures came up. Good lookin out, God:

Kanye West was on the Jay Leno show tonight and Leno asked him what his mommy would think if she saw what he did. The clip ends before the awkward pause, but I'm pretty sure he asked for his blankey and some graham crackers.

CRYBABY UPDATE: The full clip is up. Now with 100% more mommy issues!!

BONUS VIDEO: Oh, that Kanye! He'll never learn!!

Kanye West is a pouting little drama queen who throws a tantrum if he thinks for a minute that the world doesn't revolve around him, so somebody must have had a gun to his head for him to issue this "apology" to Taylor Swift on his blog last night. He makes a point to say he isn't crazy, so what the hell are you, Kanye? So full of hate you want to go out and fight everybody! Because you've been whipped and chased by hounds. Well that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain't dying. And dying's been what these white boys have been doing for going on three years now! Dying by the thousands! Dying for you, fool! I know, 'cause I dug the graves. And all this time I keep askin' myself, when, O Lord, when it's gonna be our time? Gonna come a time when we all gonna hafta ante up. Ante up and kick in like men. LIKE MEN!

Note: The last part might sound better if you can ask Morgan Freeman to read it to you. Sorry.

If you watch this then wake up tomorrow still a Kanye West fan, there's good news. You don't need a 5-day waiting period to throw yourself in front of a car. Rolling Stone reports:

Leave it to Kanye West to produce one of the most infamous moments in VMAs history before the 2009 show was even an hour old. It happened after Taylor Swift’s victory in the Best Female Video category for “You Belong To Me,” which beat out Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” Just moments after Swift accepted the Moonman and began her acceptance speech, Kanye West stormed the stage, taking the microphone from Swift to announce Beyoncé deserved the award. “Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!,” Kanye shouted to a mortified Swift and the speechless audience. And as quickly as he ran onstage — MTV cut away to show Pink, and when they flashed back to Swift, West already had the mic in his hand — he was off, leaving a shocked Swift in his wake.

I haven't seen either video, because personally I couldn't give a shit, but if there was a way that Sam's hologram could tell me I had just quantum leaped into Taylor Swift's body at that exact moment, this wouldn't be as awkward. Because I'm sure the base of my palm in Kanye's nose would've cut down on his speech a little bit.

Kanye and his girl(?)friend or something that just escaped from its exhibit:

As you might have already guessed, the 2009 MTV VMAs were last night and since I'm not a 14-year old cutter with bangles and daddy didn't love me hair, I missed it. Sorry about that. Mostly because I was wondering if Jake Delhomme would be a better quarterback with both of his arms chopped off. Hey, we gotta try something!

Some people who were there:

The 44th Annual Academy of Country Music Awards was last night, and I really need to make it there one year. Not because I like songs about domestic violence and broken dreams, but because it's probably the best award show if you're looking for the greatest concentration of hot, skinny white chicks. I tried the American Latin Music Awards one time, and before I got in, some latin guy came up to me and stuck out his hand and said "Hola". Then I just threw him my wallet and my keys at him and then hid behind a trash can. What does "Hola" mean?!! Is that some kind of gang slang?! Oh God, somebody help! Help!!!



Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler:



Marisa Miller, Julianne Hough, Kaley Cuoco:

I don't like songs about tire swings and rodeos, so it's no surprise that I've really never been a fan of country music. However, unlike Madonna and Beyonce who pay people to say that they do, Taylor Swift, at the of 19, has actually written or co-written every song that she's ever recorded. Doesn't matter if you like her or not, that's impressive. My penis has exacting tastes, so a woman has to be a lot more than just a pretty face. She has to be confident, intelligent, talented, a lover of life. She has to make a smile a part of her day. She has to be empathetic toward others by being an active listener with an open mind and heart. Actually, not really. I'm not going to lie, my checklist pretty much starts and stops with "anal".

Apparently she's a bitch, but look at me not caring. Wow, look at me go!