Taylor Swift was performing in Washington, DC last night, and based on this picture, she's a visitor from an all female planet who just found a suitable male to repopulate her dying species. This is how they infiltrate us. So be careful when you go to chick concerts or book club meetings.

When most America-hating celebrities in linen capris pause long enough from praying to crystals and eating caviar out of hollowed out eagle heads to watch the news, they immediately jump on any issue or disaster that will make them sound like an actual human being or benefit them the most. With the exception of Hurricane Katrina, which was more about hating George Bush than actually helping people, celebrities are quick to tell you to text something to Red Cross or flying in a camera crew to film them walking through the rubble like Jesus if a disaster hits in another country like Haiti or Japan. But when devastation rips through the South and the Midwest in the form of monstrous tornadoes, they have a hard time reconciling their feelings for the people they fly over from NYC to LA. You know, because Darfur sounds way better than Joplin, Missouri. To everyone except Taylor Swift. OK! Magazine reports:

Taylor told Access Hollywood about a rehearsal benefit show to drum up money for victims who were impacted by the recent wrath of Mother Nature. “It was so wonderful,” she said. “It was almost like playing our first show because were playing for 13,000 people and it’s the whole show the way we would do the last dress rehearsal and I’m just so excited that we got to raise $750,000 dollars for the victims of the tornadoes.” Right on the heels of earning Billboard Awards for the Top Country Artist, Top Country Album and Top Billboard 200 Artist, Taylor was most touched by the kindness of her fans. “It was such a wonderful night and I’ll never forget it — the fact that that many people on last minute’s notice wanted to come out and pay for their tickets and donate that money to them.”

Say what you want about Taylor Swift, but she didn't go to these places with a red plastic cup, a rowboat, and no understanding of real life outside her gated walls like this asshole, she raised money and sent it directly to those who needed it. I wouldn't want to be in one of her songs or even listen to one of her songs, but where are all the people demanding aid to Haiti and Japan even after Japan told us to fuck off and mind our own business? They heard "tornado" and "Midwest" and thought everybody in Missouri would be okay because all they'd have to do is click the heels of their ruby slippers together three times.

Jennifer Aniston has encouraging words for Taylor Swift. The New York Daily News says:

Is Taylor Swift the Jennifer Aniston of her generation? An insider at Wednesday's People's Choice Awards tells us the notoriously unlucky-in-love Aniston, 41, approached Swift, 21, inside the Nokia Theatre to tell her to "hang in there" in the face of relentless press about her love life. We hear the two had not previously met, but Aniston "wanted Taylor to know everything will be okay."

Other than getting dumped by John Mayer and not having much discernible talent between them, these two really don't have that much in common. Jennifer Aniston is a stage five clinger and box office poison. Taylor Swift is a professional beard that will still go platinum if she makes an audio recording of herself dropping a deuce. If Jennifer Aniston really wanted to give her dating advice, she could start with, "Stop picking fruits with fruits."

I don't know if Jake Gyllenhaal and his publicist pulled reasons out of hat to explain why he broke up with a hot, skinny, 21-year old blonde, but congratulations! They pulled the gayest one! Us Magazine reports:

Taylor Swift, 21, may be hard at work penning her next break-up ballad -- sources confirm to UsMagazine.com that she and Jake Gyllenhaal, 30, have ended their brief romance. "Jake reached out to her and started all of this, but now he’s not acting as interested," a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands Wednesday). The previously inseparable pair called it quits just before New Year's Eve, then rang in 2011 separately. "He said he wasn't feeling it anymore and was uncomfortable with all the attention they got," says the insider of the just over two-month romance. "He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset. We told her not to move so fast with this but she didn't listen." Explains a Gyllenhaal insider, “Jake cares about her, but [the publicity] was a lot for him. He wants to keep his private life private, and that’s hard to do dating Taylor.”

He could feel the age difference, huh? Isn't that the point of banging 21-year old chicks? To feel the age difference? I'm a man. If I wanted to fuck somebody my own age it would be in a land development deal, not on my couch with her knees pinned to her ears.

Since Jake Gyllenhaal no longer has to promote a movie where he has to make people think he likes having sex with women, and Taylor Swift needs to write another album about how some guy fucked her over, the two have reportedly split. People reports:

Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are starting 2011 single. "They're over," a source tells PEOPLE about the short-lived relationship. "It ended last month." No reason was given for a split, and the stars reps didn't have immediate comment, but the two spent the holidays – and their birthdays – apart. Swift, 21, rang in 2011 in Nashville, solo, at a party, while Gyllenhaal, 30, was in New York, where he attended a closing party for Broadway's Fela! on Jan. 2. While in the Big Apple, Gyllenhaal was also spotted dining with his mother at the Spotted Pig.

I really hope everyone sees what just happened here. You did? Fantastic. Next.

In case you didn't know already, these completely staged and obviously planned pictures of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are like OMG, "suddenly serious!!" Man, I can't wait until she writes a song about him and tells us what kind of toenail polish he likes! Tell us more!

For publicity. People says:

Two days after enjoying maple lattes together in Brooklyn, N.Y., on Thanksgiving, Swift and Gyllenhaal popped up in the singer's hometown of Nashville.

On Saturday afternoon, the couple were spotted getting a late breakfast at Fido, a coffeehouse and café near Vanderbilt University and Music Row.

"They were smiling and laughing. They were talking a lot and enjoying each other's company," fellow diner Elaina Mishu tells PEOPLE. "They didn't look like [just] friends."

Of course they're not just friends, otherwise they wouldn't have painted each other's nails and baked cookies and texted their crushes together when they got home. Because those are things you only do with your bestie. Or your beard.

In case you missed it last night (and let's face it, you probably did), I live tweeted the 2010 AMAs, and while Taylor Swift was singing Back To December, I said she needed to go back to December and see if she could get a vocal coach. Because holy shit, this chick can't sing. You could program the lyrics of Back To December into a Speak 'N Spell and it would sound better than whatever the hell that was on stage last night. But Taylor Swift is hot. So she wins! Yay for having a penis!