Back in May, it was reported that Tiger Wood's wife, Elin Nordegren was content to leave Tiger Woods looking like this guy, by demanding a $750M divorce settlement, full custody of their two children, and a no confidentiality clause that would leave her free to reap untold fortunes by writing a tell-all book. None of that is happening.

As one source with direct knowledge of the terms of the divorce tells TMZ, "She'll be getting close to $100,000,000." There have been reports Elin would score $750 million, but we have confirmed that figure is wrong. Indeed, as we first reported, Tiger is not even worth $750 million. We're told his net worth is somewhere between $500 and $600 million. Sources say Elin will receive child support, but we do not know the specific amount. As for the $100 million figure ... this is not speculation ... it comes from sources with direct knowledge of the property settlement agreement.

Just so we're clear, what Tiger Woods did was beyond fucked up. On the other hand, just because you passed two humans through your vagina, you aren't entitled to $750M for your troubles. That being said, would I marry Tiger Woods, let him impregnate me, then stand idly by why he bangs a warehouse full of whores for $100M? Why, yes. Yes I would.

It's been six months since Tiger Woods fled from his Florida home with a 9-iron aimed for his skull after his wife of five years found out that he was sleeping with as many as fourteen women. A lot of my chick friends have asked me why she hasn't left him yet, and why it's taking so long for her to file for divorce. That all changes today. So sit back, relax, and hold on to your goddamn hat. Examiner reports:

A $750 million divorce settlement: Tiger woods has always taken his multi-million dollar fortune for granted.. With the loss of major sponsors, and the possibility of his remaining sponsors pulling the plug any day, Tiger stands to lose a significant amount of his accumulated wealth. With no new sponsors on the horizon, and a golf game that’s clearly off, those millions of dollars may not be so easily re-earned. As wealthy as Tiger Woods is, the loss of that much money would have a major impact on his lifestyle and quality of life. (Todd here. Tiger's estimated net worth is only $600 million)

Full custody of the children: Tiger Woods is a family man who loves his children, and it’s important to him that they be a part of his life. Joint custody was mutually agreed upon, but now Elin has changed her mind. She wants full custody of the couple’s two children, and according to reports, she plans to use Tiger’s infidelity with multiple mistresses to get her way. Since Elin plans to return to Sweden to live on the private island she recently bought (with Tiger’s money), Tiger may never get to see his kids.

NO confidentiality clause: Knowing how fanatical Tiger Woods is about his privacy, Elin has adamantly refused to sign Tiger’s lifetime confidentiality clause. She wants to retain her rights to write a book, or do TV interviews at a future date about her marriage to Tiger or their divorce. Though Elin has maintained her silence up to now, maybe she wants to finally have her say. The possibility of the rest of his life becoming an open book, probably has Tiger quaking in his boots – or his golf shoes.

I have no sympathy for Tiger Woods, but damn. To recap: Elin wants 125% of his wealth, full custody of their kids so she can move to another country and live on a private island that she bought with Tiger's money, and the opportunity to reap untold fortunes by writing a tell-all book about Tiger. Holy shit. Did he set her on fire and drown her puppy and we just don't know about it yet?

Note: "Look, I'm not saying Elin is gonna be found at the bottom of a lake somewhere, but this is the kinda shit why Lifetime movies get made." - my buddy Chris

When your vagina is #14 on a married man's rotation and your 1040EZ form says "double penetration anal" under occupation, you really have to up your attention whore game if you want to top yourself. I hate to make this post about me, but looks like somebody needs to by my new book, "How To Up Your Attention Whore Game". Not available where actual real books are sold!

Since fucking a married semi-celebrity only made her semi-famous, everybody's least favorite tattooed whore now hints that she may have had sex with Tiger Woods. TMZ reports:

Because one celebrity home-wrecking sex scandal is never enough, white power poster child Bombshell McGee is now hinting that she may have slept with Tiger Woods. Bombshell went on "The Soscia Network" radio show on Philadelphia's 106.1 FM this week -- and when asked if she would ever "mess" with Tiger, she replied, "How do you know I haven't?" Bombshell continued, "I'm not confirming or denying ... I'm surprised no one's picked up on that yet." Sorry, lady with the swastika tattoo ... we just don't think he's really your type.

Wait, can I just raise my hand and say I thought this skank was a white supremacist? And, I hate to point this out, but isn't Tiger Woods black? And Asian? Was she doing some kind of experiment with zombie Himmler? I don't get it. Or maybe because it's this whore would jack off a donkey on American Idol if she thought somebody would take her picture. I get the feeling it has more to do with that last part.

It's hard to imagine that your wife would beat you like a P.O.W. with one of your own clubs and want a divorce after you had sex with 20+ whores throughout your marriage then watching you going back to work like nothing ever happened, but Tiger Woods now must deal with this injustice and humiliation my friends. FOX Sports reports:

Just days after Woods completed his triumphant return to golf following his cheating scandal, U.S. news show Entertainment Tonight reports Nordegren, who failed to show at his Masters comeback, is close to filing for divorce. Correspondent Kevin Frazier, who has links to Woods, said: "For weeks now there have been rumors that Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren might reconcile and save their marriage. "It was believed by going to sex rehab that Tiger had done just enough to keep his family together. But sources have told me that the marriage is indeed over. "Evidence? Well, the fact that Elin was on a plane, in the air, headed to Arizona during the final round of the Masters. "Usually, with her husband in contention at his biggest tournament, she would be there waiting for him in case he won; instead she made a plan so that she would be in the air while Tiger was playing. "The couple hasn't spoken for quite some time and it is believed that all they have to do is work out a few more details on their divorce and they can sign the divorce decree and both can move on with their lives."

By all accounts, Elin was a loving and supportive wife, but Tiger couldn't get over himself and his superficial insecurities to treasure that love. She always seemed to have Tiger's back with whatever he was going through and was cheering the loudest for every one of his accomplishments. And that's what pretty much every guy wants. And if she's a Swedish model as well then that would be fantastic. And if she could have D's that would be good, too. Oh, and if her vagina was lined with silk and honey, I'd appreciate it. And, not to be too needy, but if she help me avoid finance charges by offering some suggestions on debt consolidation, that would be cool. Learning how to make cheese grits should be on the list, too. Yeah, definitely. Cheese grits.

NOTE: Take a look at Elin in the banner pics, then look at Tiger's parade of whores HERE. Then look at the banner pics again. Then look at the whore again. Elin. Whores. Tiger couldn't find skanks that looked worse than his wife if he was volunteering at a soup kitchen.

Tiger agreed to his first interview since his wife cracked his head with a 3-wood back on November 27th, and finally we can put all this behind us. With a hard-nosed interviewer and Tiger's desire to open up once and for all, and with such humble answers as "that's a private matter", "that's also a private matter", "that's between Elin and myself", and "once again, that's between Elin and myself," Tiger left no room for further speculation and distrust. Except for with his whores. He might want to get a prepaid cell phone this time.

Note: Seriously, why the fuck does he agree to do this shit? Instead of "answering" these obviously rehearsed and pre-screened questions, ESPN should have just filmed him with his hands over his ears and shaking his head with his eyes closed screaming "La la la la la la I can't hear you la la la la la la!!!"

Joslyn James, the porn star who refuses to pay child support and specialized in double penetration anal, has apparently saved all of the texts Tiger Woods sent her. Mostly because that's what whore do. In his press conference, Tiger Woods was contrite and said he made a mistake. And if by mistake, he meant he shouldn't have texted a porn star that he wanted to fuck her in the ass and suggest a golden shower after his tee time, then I guess he was right.

Speaking for the first time since his wife caved his head in with a 3-wood on November 27th for banging whores all across America, Tiger Woods held a press conference where "friends and handpicked reporters" sat quietly and were not allowed to ask questions as Tiger read something his PR people wrote. How fascinating! Copy and pasted bullshit below:

"I want to say to each of you simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible, selfish behavior... I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say," Woods said from behind a podium. "Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior," he explained, adding, "My real apology .. will come from my behavior. We have a lot to discuss. What we say to each other will remain between the two of us."

I really hope no one believes any of this, because if Tiger found out about a spaceship that could take you to a planet where the women could only reproduce with Ambien and interracial anal, there's a good chance you'd need a hostage negotiator to get him off.