Tila Tequila had her boyfriend, San Diego Chargers All-Pro linebacker Shawne Merriman (here's his MySpace), arrested this weekend after she claimed battery and false imprisonment. He's already been released and no charges have been filed. He now says he had a good reason. LA Times reports:

Merriman’s side is that he did not assault the reality TV star and was simply trying to prevent her from leaving his home in an intoxicated state. Here's his partial statement: “On September 6, 2009 the San Diego Sheriff's Department responded to a citizen's complaint that was initiated by Tila Nguyen (aka Tila Tequila). I was taken into custody based upon that complaint. At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided."

Is beating a chick's ass to make her stay home better than letting her drive drunk and kill somebody? Eh, probably. Besides, it's Tila Tequila. She has ridiculous implants and is supposed to be a model but she looks like she should be telling Pinocchio how to let his conscience be his guide. Basically what I'm trying to say is, she pretty much deserves her ass kicked on general principle. If I liked tranny Asian crickets, I'd be funneling vodka down her throat and dangling the keys of an X-Wing fighter in front of her face. You know, just so I could "encourage her" to stay home.

Note: Yes, I know this happened two days ago over Labor Day weekend so I'm a little behind, but I just checked my calendar. Turns out I have a life to lead.

Tila Tequila was at One Sunset lounge last night, and you're not going to believe this, but she flashed her comical giant implants to the photographers standing outside. Well, of course she did. It's Tila Tequila. This is kinda her thing. She looks like some chick my grandfather and his buddies kidnapped in Vietnam (allegedly), but she truly thinks she's hot. Sorry. I'm not even joking when I say I'd rather see my balls as the secret ingredient on Iron Chef than look at 4 foot tall tranny with 90 pound implants. The only way her tits could look less natural is if it they had antlers or a place to swipe my debit card.

I think Tila Tequila's grandfather pulled John McCain out of that plane, so I'm pretty sure she comes from a place where big boobs are a myth. So she came to America to fulfill her life long dream of being a sorta famous slut because nobody told her she looks like should be starring in Pixar's Miss Saigon. I appreciate the fact that she's not wearing a bra, but she could have tentacles or unicorn horns sticking out of her chest and it would look more natural than this.

AZO Urine Orange and Oil Change Sludge are the colors we chose for Tila's sexy hair, in case you were wondering.

Signed,

Tila Tequila's Super Awesome Hair Team

xoxo<3liekomgones111andexcumashunpoyntz

Fame whores who make staged picture deals with paparazzi agencies are pathetic. However, when said whores are people who look like this ... that is beyond pathetic. Here we have two fake lesbians pretending to be fucking each other everywhere so we'll talk about them. And, oh yeah, I'll talk about them. "Tila Tequila," you look like a 12 year old ladyboy who turns every heterosexual hard dick limp on accidental porn searches. Couuuretehnhay Shemale, you look like you snort with every breath because your mouth is so fucked up from veneers, braces, and whatever the hell else your daddy did with his billions to try and fail at making you less ugly. Regardless, here are some super hot lesbian pics! Vomit bags are available in the seat pocket in front of you.

Tila Tequila is that MySpace whore who got her own show because MTV is cheap and Tila is a cheap whore. King Magazine is that magazine you don't read unless you're a black thug, you're not black but act like you are, or you're anyone from Atlanta or Detroit. If you're any of the above, this will get you off. Via King Magazine:

King: "What about the people who say you're not really bisexual-that you're hetero and just pretending for the show? Care to set the record, uh, straight?"

Tila: "They can suck my dick."

King: "When you were stripping, did you ever have any awkward run-ins with high-school teachers?"

Tila: "I invited my history teacher, who was also the football coach, and I had a big crush on him. I told him that he needed to come visit me and that I wouldn't tell anybody. He was very tempted, I'm sure, but he never did show up."

To a history teacher, your "look" isn't fascinating anymore. You look like something that was recovered from the UFO wreckage at Roswell. That was, what, 1947? You're not the cool updated alien look like they had in Independence Day or Mars Attacks. Shit, you're not even cool enough to be associated with Cocoon. Pack up your dick and fly home to Planet Fail.


Photos: King

I know all the gays are running around here thinking that it was the years they spent battling for same-sex marriage rights that gays are now allowed to get married in California. But, sorry gays, you are mistaken. It's all because of Tila Tequila. Us says:

It is because of me - I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement," she told Usmagazine.com at the Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru on Wednesday. "Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

God, shut the fuck up. Gay marriage isn't legal because some Vietcong hooker gets paid to pretend to like girls on a show nobody watches. Even if in an alternate reality this show had anything to do with it, I still wouldn't give this skank credit for anything. She could pull me out of a plane crash and I'd tell the cops that she was trying to rob me.

A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, the MTV show where 16 straight dudes and 16 lesbian women try to win the heart of that one Vietnamese whore from MySpace, is completely fake and will not be renewed because Tequila (real name: Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen) has been in a heterosexual relationship for over a year. I know, I couldn't believe it either! Page Six reports:

But it's "all a sham," says a source close to the show. "Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she's not really bi. She's made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all." Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she's single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, "who's like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That's why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won't dump him."

Another theory for the cancellation is that Tila Tequila is really, really ugly. Seriously, if I was a contestant on something where this was the prize I'd slam my penis in a car door just in case.

The only interesting thing that happened on the show after the jump...

Some NSFW fake lesbian action: