The 62nd Annual Emmy Awards honored the best in television last night by handing out trophies to millionaires who stand on an X and read words on paper for a living, but unfortunately for them, NFL preseason football and True Blood were on last night, too. Basically what I'm saying is, I Googled all this shit.

Sookie and Bill showed up to their first event as a married couple, and I don't know how many presents they got at the reception, but hopefully they registered at a dentist's office.



Only kindergartners and Asian girls should have bangs, so of course Emily Deschanel looks weird. She's in a show called Bones I've never seen, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's about her jaw being replaced with the Iron Giant's.



Christina Hendricks once again used alien technology and Mayan spells to push her massive rack up to her neck, so we'd be distracted and forget about everything else. She lost in the supporting actress category, and in more bad news, her husband lost a call before he got the customer's service tag. Poor guys!



January Jones is clearly the hottest one on Mad Men, plus she's slutty and likes to drive drunk then text married guys. The only thing that would make her more perfect is if her anus took debit cards.



She was annoying as hell last season Dexter, so I guess that's why in the season finale Julie Benz bled out in a bathtub. But according to these pictures, her nipples are very, very much alive.



Who the hell knows why Kim Kardashian was there. She looks like something on a black escort website that would come to your door if you ordered the Cleopatra.



Eva Amurri has a face only her mother Susan Sarandon could love, but like her mother, she has these (NSFW). Every kid in Haiti could get free lunch for a year with these two.



Tina Fey also showed up in a dress almost as confusing as the reasons people think she's attractive. She looks like the Greek goddess of concealer.

Tina Fey is horrifically unattractive to everyone except for guys in scarves and horn-rimmed glasses, so it's no surprise that she went on David Letterman last night and confirmed what the world basically already knew. Nobody wanted to bang her except the guy that agreed to marry her. Unlike my Russian mail order bride Tatiana. She's won several beauty contests.

The video mentioned Adriana Lima, so posting pics of Tina Fey was not an option at that point:

Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey were friends. Tina Fey's 30 Rock is one of the funniest shows on television. Jennifer Aniston is a bad actress. Out of the kindness of her heart and as a favor to her friend, Tina Fey asked Jennifer Aniston to guest star. Jennifer Aniston was just nominated for an Emmy for her guest appearance. Tina Fey was also nominated. Guess who Jennifer Aniston isn't speaking to now? Radar reports:

Tellingly, Jen didn't call Tina to congratulate her on the nomination - and insiders say their friendship has been strained by the competition. "Jen was so excited to be nominated, she's been talking about it for months," an insider tells radaronline. "But she's really disappointed to be going up against Tina. She realizes it's going to be near to impossible to win now. "Jen doesn't deal with competition well, she likes to be the top dog. She's not happy that Tina is likely to out shine her on the night. "Jen and Tina used to be really good friends, they used to talk at least every week, but now they hardly talk at all. "Tina hasn't got a problem at all with being up against Jen but she is kind of put out by Jen's attitude towards her now. "She just can't understand why Jen would be giving her the cold shoulder over something so trivial."

Jesus, get over yourself bitch. Mariane Pearl had a faster recovering time than you. Your movies suck, your husband left you for the hottest woman on Earth, and you can't keep a man longer than five minutes. The only thing you should be winning is a free oil change.

Tina Fey's husband, Jeff Richmond, who composed music for SNL and now composes for 30 Rock finally told people how Tina Fey got that scar on her face. Newsweek says:

"In an interview in Vanity Fair, Jeff Richmond says a stranger slashed Fey's face when she was 5 years old. He says the incident occurred in the front yard of her house. Says Richmond: "That scar was fascinating to me. This is somebody who, no matter what it was, has gone through something. And I think it really informs the way she thinks about her life." Fey says talking about the attack would seem like exploiting it. Says Fey: "It's really almost like I'm able to forget about it, until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of `Oh, I guess we should use this side' or whatever. Everybody's got a better side."

This story would have been dead and buried years ago if Tina would have told people, "I got cut and had stitches when I was a kid." Instead she enveloped this thing in a cloud of mystery all these years by telling people it was a painful story and she doesn't want to hurt her parents further by discussing it. If you're like me you assumed her dad was the guy who killed Inigo Montoya's father. Instead it was just some crazy dick with a knife. I think they should investigate this further because I'm pretty sure it was the same guy who sliced Tina Fey's husband in half. Either that or he's doing a Tim Conway "Dorf" impression.


Photos: Splash

Our good friends at City Rag caught the Howard Stern show this morning. The great Tina Fey was one of his guests and whilst discussing former Saturday Night Live guest hosts, told Howard that Paris Hilton was one of the worst and went as far as calling Paris a "piece of shit." City Rag transcribed the rest of Tina's awesome rant on Paris Hilton as follows:

She said Paris had "the hair of a fraggle", and left "nasty wads of Barbie hair on the floor" from her "cheap weave"!

Tina caught Paris's giant man hands and said they were as long as her forearm.

Paris actually takes herself seriously and "embraces her stupidity".

She asked them to write a skit so she could play Jessica Simpson "because I hate her" "she's fat".

Paris was so uninterested in anyone else the staff had a bet to see if she would ask anyone something personal (like "how are you").

She did at one point ask someone "is Maya Rudolph Italian?" (she's half Black, half Jewish)"

I'm no theologian, per se, but I heard after a wretched case of constipation, God bent over the edge of a cloud and took a giant dump on our planet and that was how Paris Hilton was born. You can argue with me all you want, but according to the people I hired to follow everyone around and tell them they're wrong, you're wrong.

Crappy at the Casino Royale premiere: