Marty Rathbun, a former Scientology executive who defected in 2004, says Scientology's Office of Special Affairs launched a full investigation into South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone after they completely shredded The Church of Scientology in the classic, 2005 episode, "Trapped in the Closet." No, Scientology isn't crazy. Not crazy at all.

The following internal Corporate Scientology memorandum is being published as part of a series that exposes the standard operating pattern and methodologies of the Office of Special Affairs (OSA – the harassment and terror network of Corporate Scientology). Hubbard once noted the truism that that which one knows the technology of he cannot be the adverse effect of. So it behooves those who have decided to expose and reform the beast to know a little about the tactics it employs to combat such efforts. To this day OSA operates mainly on Cold War era intelligence and propaganda techniques much like those of the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, and STASI of the fifties and sixties. Their main activity entails stifling criticism by an escalating gradient of techniques beginning with quiet investigation and moving up to infiltration, identification of and use of influential friends and contacts of the target, loud investigation, threats, attempts to harm the target financially, intense propaganda to discredit and ultimately, if all else fails, utter destruction of the target through overt harassment. While in this age of information many OSA operations result in epic failures, the well-heeled – if desperate – cult continues to muzzle many a would-be reformer and news agency. In ’06 the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, became targets of Corporate Scientology’s OSA. Operations were run in an attempt to silence Parker and Stone. While Corporate Scientology was ultimately unsuccessful, left behind an instructive data trail during their efforts.

You can read the actual document over at Marty Rathbun's blog here, but please understand that it will be the most paranoid, batshit thing you will read all day. I'd rather take a drink from Jim Jones or visit a house with Charles Manson than step foot anywhere near the Church of Scientology. Well, except that time I went to Gelson's. I was out of beer, so it was kind of an emergency.

Tom Cruise attended the premiere of The Kennedys with his wife Katie Holmes. Although it's hard to tell in the banner picture. Mostly because Tom Cruise isn't wearing stilts or one of those jet packs that you see flying over car dealerships when there's balloons and guy in a gorilla suit holding a sign that says they'll take your trade no matter how much you owe.

Let's not pretend anything here, Scientology is a dangerous cult started by a fat guy who liked science fiction. But, hey, if you donate a lot of money they'll give you a guy to pimp your ride for $10 a day. Sweet! Radar Online reports:

The Church of Scientology is under FBI investigation in connection with allegations of human trafficking and the use of unpaid labor, according to a report from The New Yorker, which said that even A-lister Tom Cruise has put church members to work for him for little-to-no-pay. David Miscavige -- a church head and Cruise's best man at his wedding to Katie Holmes -- put church members, such as former Scientologist John Brosseau, to work customizing Cruise's SUV, two motorcycles and a building, according to the report. "Cruise asked me, 'God, could you paint my bike like that?' I looked at Miscavige, and Miscavige agreed," Brosseau, 30, told The New Yorker of his 2005 run-in with the Days Of Thunder star, which he said took place at a church location in the Southern California desert. Brosseau told the magazine that both of the motorcycles Cruise brought him, a Triumph and a Honda, received thousands of dollars of free work, as he took apart, nickel-plated, repainted and reassembled the bikes to the star’s liking. His compensation? "I was getting paid $50 a week," Brosseau told the magazine. "And I'm supposed to be working for the betterment of mankind." The Church of Scientology's Tommy Davis told The New Yorker, in response, that the Collateral star has more than done his part for the institution. "Whatever small economic benefit Mr. Cruise may have received from the assistance of church staff pales in comparison to the benefits the church has received from Mr. Cruise's many years of volunteer efforts for the church," David told the magazine.

I would rather have a sister in a shark's mouth than a brother in Scientology, so I believe every single word I read about Scientology. I also believe that the children are our future.

Katie Holmes' 32nd birthday was this weekend, so she got all dolled up and took Tom Cruise to Gemma in NYC. So, just throwing this out there, but does Tom Cruise wear stilts when he's on set? That has to be it, right? Because I think it's obvious that in real life, Tom Cruise couldn't dunk on a Care Bear. The banner picture looks like it should include a pony and a tea set.

Shortly after the death of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard in 1986, David Miscavige (banner pic) became the leader Church of Scientology. He is one of Tom Cruise's closest friends and even served as best man at Cruise's 2006 wedding to Katie Holmes. That's what best friends do. Oh, and show your recorded confessionals at parties. TMZ reports:

Tom Cruise was secretly videotaped as he spilled his guts in Scientology confessional sessions, and those tapes became fodder for Scientology cocktail party humor ... this according to a high-profile and former high-level member of Scientology. Mark Rathbun says in his blog, he recorded Cruise during the confessional sessions and Scientology guru David Miscavige read the transcripts at parties, "joking and laughing" at them. Rathbun says the video was "well-concealed" in the VIP auditing room, per orders of Miscavige. Rathbun says Miscavige ordered him to prepare transcripts of the sessions. Then, according to Rathbun, Miscavige would hold late night whiskey parties, reading the transcripts and laughing out loud. The nature of Tom's alleged confessions were not disclosed.

Miscavige suffers from asthma and severe allergies and he might be 5'1" if he wore stilts and stood on a park bench, so I'm not understanding how Tom Cruise could let him get away with this. I'm pretty sure you could trap him in a room by having a cat and pollen guard the door.

Mary Harron, the director of the film adaptation of Brett Easton Ellis' 1991 classic novel, American Psycho, sat down for an interview recently and was asked about Christian Bale's inspiration for the book's Manhattan serial-killing monster, Patrick Bateman. He found it on David Letterman. BlackBook reports:

It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy.

The movie was the Disney version of the book, but whatever. This might be the greatest thing you read all day, because if anything has ever made more perfect sense in your life someone needs to let me know. Every time I see Tom Cruise, I fully expect him to unzip his skin suit to tell me I'm gonna be a slave worker on his home lizard planet. Dude is creepy. But I gotta go right now, I have to return some videotapes.



Lifeless Eyes and secret Scientologist, Will Smith:

Tom Cruise is in Boston right now filming a movie with Cameron Diaz and Ben Affleck, but that's really beside the point because he went jogging with his wife, Katie Holmes, yesterday. I don't know if you could tell by these pictures or not, but you could ride a tricycle in a diaper and a propeller hat and not look as goofy as Tom Cruise does right now.

There's something creepy about Tom Cruise taking an upskirt shot of his robot daughter at Disneyworld while onlookers, both real and fictional, watch.

Disneyworld Exec: Of course, Mr. Cruise, we can accommodate you.

Tom: Excellent. I want all the characters on a lawn so I can take some pictures, and I want to skip the line for every ride.

Disneyworld Exec: Of course.

Tom: And I want you to pull all the Pinocchio characters. The last thing I need is Suri wanting to be a real boy.

Disneyworld Exec: Disney has a very strong policy against sexual confusion in youth.

Tom: I was more worried about the "real" part. I have to go power up Katie.

(Tom Cruise teleports)