Jessica Simpson can go cry in her Moose Tracks now, because less than two months after dumping her a day before her birthday, Tony Romo has found him a new piece. Us Magazine reports:

The Dallas Cowboys quarterback, 29, is dating Chace Crawford's little sister, Candice, a 22-year-old beauty queen who looks strikingly similar to Romo's ex Jessica Simpson, a source close to Romo confirms toUsmagazine.com. "She's not happy that it's out [in the media], but they weren't trying to hide," a source close to Candice tells Usthe day after CelebTV.com first reported the coupling. "They've gone out to dinner in Dallas a bunch."

This blonde is way hotter, so sorry Dallas fans. Tony Romo is completely baffled and confused on the field during the playoffs anyway, and he looked like a caveman who was just teleported to Six Flags whenever Jessica Simpson was in the stands, so you can probably imagine what's gonna happen now. More than likely an incomplete pass, but there's a strong possibility he might try to light the ball on fire and launch it with a catapult.

Chace Crawford is in Gossip Girl. So are Blake Lively's tits:

Unlucky in lovefucking everything, Jessica Simpson got dumped by her boyfriend of almost two years, Dallas Cowboys quarterback(?), Tony Romo. A day before her birthday. Star Magazine reports:

Jessica Simpson didn't get an engagement ring for her 29th birthday on Friday — instead she got dumped by Tony Romo! Tony, who dated Jess for a year and a half, broke up with her on Thursday, the night before her birthday. And, a source tells Star, Tony hit the party scene on what should have been Jessica's big night. The Dallas Cowboys football player was spotted kissing a brunette girl in Hollywood on Friday. Jessica desperately tried to put a brave face on the situation, writing on her Twitter on Saturday that she had canceled her Barbie-and-Ken-themed birthday bash. "Barbie party didn't happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling I LOVE GETTING OLDER!" she wrote. "Everyone needs to know that hope floats ... grab the strings and pull it back to you," she Tweeted on Sunday.

Kissing on a brunette girl can solve any problem, but just as a reminder, it's been 4,580 days since the Cowboys won a playoff game, so let's not jump for joy over the 2009 season just yet Cowboys fans. Getting rid of Jessica Simpson doesn't change the fact that your quarterback looks like a caveman who just saw an airplane every time he steps on field during the postseason. Don't get me wrong, there's a chance the Cowboys could win a playoff game this year, but there's also a chance I could fly on a magical dragon to lands untold for adventures of wonder.

At this point, anything is better than IDLYITW being the Thriller video it's been for the past two weeks, so here's Jessica Simpson and Tony Overthrowmo (get it?! haha) at the AT&T National in Bethesda, Md. yesterday where she sang something. The fact that Tiger Woods, one of the most dominant athletes in the history of sports (and one of my personal favs - vicious off the tee, married to a hot former model, etc.) had to condescend to take a picture with these two losers isn't lost on me, but damn she's squeezed into that damn dress. I never ever thought I'd say this, but if she kept that dress on, there's a good chance I'd fuck her so fast my penis would look like a tuning fork.

Fashion week is her for us New Yorkers, and that means all the annoying celebrities are gathering in the middle of town and going to our fancy restaurants and telling us that our suits made of burlap sacks are unfashionable. What do they want from me? Tweed?

The only good part of fashion week is recently bloated celebrities like Jessica Simpson finally remember why God allows weight gain and pushup bras to work together so nicely.

Here she is on a date with Tony Romo at the West Village's Weaverly Inn, letting the tops of her bresticles reach for her devious smile. A smile that says: "Tonight, Tony is going to roofie me so I don't cry during sex."

Not only are the pictures of her gut being squeezed out of her mom jeans like toothpaste everywhere, Jessica has more news that will make her want to relax and take a deep breath of carbon monoxide - Tony Romo cheated on her with a skinny brunette. Star Magazine reports:

....just hours after Jess flew out of Burbank airport on Jan. 16, her boyfriend decided to host a party — at her house! And if that wasn't bad enough, the hunky quarterback hooked up with a beautiful brunette. The very night Jessica left town, Tony hit an invitation-only opening of Los Angeles hot-spot My House with a posse that included Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti and Entourage star Kevin Connolly. To keep the fun going, he invited a group of revelers "back to my place," the onlooker tells Star. But when people arrived at the two-story country cottage-style home off Coldwater Canyon in Beverly Hills, it soon became obvious that "his place" belonged to his unsuspecting — and absent — girlfriend, Jessica. Amid Jessica's gold albums, the party raged on downstairs. But on the second floor, Tony was enjoying his own private party — with a long haired, olive-skinned cutie. "Everyone was talking about it downstairs," dishes the source. "The girls were saying it was so wrong and shady of Tony to cheat on Jessica — especially in her place! I just can't believe he would hook up with another woman at his own girlfriend's house."

Well, this was bound to happen. Tony Romo is technically the quarterback of one of the most popular sports franchises in the world. Jessica Simpson is a dumb fat chick who performs at county fairs. Tony Romo should be waiting for triplets from the sorority to wipe off their faces, not waiting for the waitress to bring to go boxes.

More pictures of singer and Moon Pie enthusiast, Jessica Simpson, in Florida:



Banner picture source: NY POST (Thanks, #17! - Todd)

Now that she's getting fat and has lost all semblance of a successful career, Jessica Simpson is now planning her next logical step, marrying a rich dude. Yeee haawww! Chicago-Sun Times reports:

One of my best Dallas snoops just happened to be in the original Neiman Marcus in Big D, shortly after Jessica Simpson and main man and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo were in the store checking out big sparklers -- the kind women wear on their left-hand ring finger. I'm hearing the couple are talking about a winter wedding. Dallas fans can relax. The happy twosome are said to be planning to tie the knot well after the end of the NFL season, including the Super Bowl -- should the Cowboys make it to the big game in Tampa, Fla."

Wow, this must be great news for the rest of the Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo acts like he's never seen a football when Jessica in the stands and they're only dating. Imagine what it's gonna be like when they get married. There's a good chance Tony Romo comes out of the tunnel wearing roller skates and a life jacket.

Jessica at LAX airport on September 29th:


Jessica Simpson. Live. Last night. Please God make it stop:

The Dallas Cowboys lost on Sunday to the most evil of all teams to ever grace the NFL, and guess whose fault it was? Yep, big nose and her number nine jersey. Shouldn't she be opening up for Starland Vocal Band at a pumpkin patch or shopping at a dumb dog accessory boutique? There must be something Dallas Cowboys fans can help busy her with to keep her far away from their team. I hear the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean is beautiful this time of year. Hey, you might even see the Titanic! How cool!

Allow me to preface this by saying I don't care if you think I'm funny or not anymore, and I care even less how you feel about Todd, because he has not-white skin, so he doesn't matter at all. What's important to me is that you cared enough to hang out on this unapologetic, messy, unpredictable website all these years and thanks for supporting all the sites we link and advertisers who support us, too.

Now:

I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. Not a bandwagon one. I was born this way. According to my dad I was destined to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I wanted to be an astronaut, and Madonna, and John Taylor from Duran Duran's wife, and an actress, but only if it was a Christopher Guest type movie, and it would have been nice to find the Titanic before those other homos did, and I think it would have been cool to find that mostly intact woolly mammoth in the tundra before those other losers did. Only most of those things happened to me so far.

Todd has red skin. He's lucky I let him write on this site because he's a redskin and Cowboys fans hate those people. I've never cared enough to ask what he wanted to be before he was stuck here with me trying to make you assholes laugh for a living. He's allegedly a Panthers fan. RAWR. How gay. Seriously, though, I'm afraid of him because he's the type who scalps white people who try to claim his land and shit like that, but THANK GOD he wears anklets with bells on them because I always hear him coming - and that's his joke, not mine, so spare me.

We both like you and whether or not you like us back those Native people, like Todd, prefer it when you fight them because they enjoy raping women, especially white women. And if you're anything like me, you'll enjoy it.

So there's a little on us. Feel free to comment and talk amongst yourselves in our crappy comments area. Or don't. We have an open forum for the most part, unless you're spamming, or totally fuckheaded, or boring, or our moderators treat the delete button like a clitoris.

We've been here for over three years, many have asked who writes this mean stuff, so there's a little bio for you whether you wanted it or not.

Here's Jinxica Simpson performing at some some pig auction, or being a model for the new Saturn car, or tawlkin' 'bout fartin' -n- burpin' ... whatever kept her away from Lambeau Field on Sunday, thaynk gawsh.