Tori Spelling went on Twitter yesterday, and it's
tweets like this that make Mitt Romney's plan to only allow women to drive dog sleds seem like a good idea.

Paparazzi chased me w/the kids 2school. I was trying to get away from him and had a pretty big accident. Took down whole wall of school. He thn STILL got out to try to get pics. 10 school moms chased him away. Wht will it take? Someone dying for paparazzi to stop? Going to dr now to check on baby. I think its just shock.

Uh, was she carrying government secrets? A dead body or plutonium in the trunk? No? Ok, then so to recap, she was driving with her kids in the car. The paparazzi were following her. So to escape, she TOOK DOWN THE WHOLE WALL OF A SCHOOL. Then took her baby to the hospital, because, you know, he was probably just in shock. No big deal. I think most doctors who don't exist will tell you that when babies crash into walls at 45mph they're usually just more scared than anything else.

Video footage of every woman driver on Earth:

Candy Spelling, the wife of deceased mega-producer, Aaron Spelling, went on a Massachusetts radio station yesterday to promote her new book. Not only did she pour more gas on her long feud with her estranged daughter, Tori, she also dropped in a plutonium core and a box of dynamite. E! News reports:

"My daughter one day decided that she wasn't speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that's how it's continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years," Candy said to 94.7 WMAS-FM's Kellogg Krew. "And it was sad, that's what killed my husband, actually. He just didn't want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn't do anything for her."

Just so we're clear, at the time of his death, Aaron Spelling was worth $500 million. All of which went to Candy with the assumption the she would distribute his children's inheritance fairly. Tori got $800,000. Man, I wonder what the problem with their relationship could be? I don't know if you're picking up on this right now, but I'm doing that thing where you put your hands on the back of your head and walk around room, because there doesn't seem to be anyone who can figure out this great mystery.

Tori Spelling gave birth in a Los Angeles hospital last night to 6 lbs., 6 oz. boy named, Liam Aaron McDermott. Tori's mother tells People:

Words can't describe the joy and elation I feel at this truly happy even. I am looking forward to doting on my new little grandson and all the memorable fun that comes with it."

Well, whatever, she's been pregnant for like two years now so it's about time. You have to feel bad for the kid, though. Even with plastic surgery his mom still looks like something off Fraggle Rock. When the doctor pulled him out, Liam was quoted as saying, "Wait, that's her? Jesus dude, if I lay perfectly still can you just play along?"