Vanessa Minnillo is engaged to Nick Lachey, so you'd think she'd celebrate her last few nights of freedom a little more. Here she is at her bachelorette party, and I'm a little confused. She's still famous? And where are the strippers? The dick straws? The paintball guns? (Is that one just me?) The Stoli? The shame? This doesn't look like fun at all.

The Kentucky Derby is a horse race and an excuse for non-British rich people and D-listers to wear weird hats. Seriously, when Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't show and your most famous names are some guy who upgraded from a fat chick, a confused Bride of Chucky star searching for Colonel Sanders, and a reality divorcee whose vagina probably looks like a blown tire at a monster truck rally, it's time to give up.


Marisa Miller was also at the Barnstable preparty:



All images via WENN.

Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey are celebrating their birthday in Mexico this week (they were both born on November 9th...awww), and as you can see, Vanessa Minnillo is better than Jessica Simpson in every possible way. The only way if Nick Lachey could have upgraded more is if he became Robocop.

In 2006, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson divorced. A few months later, he began dating Vanessa Minnillo. Last week, the pair ran into Jessica Simpson at Red-O, and Simpson became unhinged, got drunk, and made a complete ass of herself. And that was over just seeing them walk into a restaurant. Yeah, so...this can't be good news.
Us Magazine reports:

"We're excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together," the couple tells Us in a statement. "They're so happy, doing great," a source adds. "Thrilled about it." The True Beauty host recently told Parade their relationship has lasted all this time because they openly communicate. "You have to talk through everything," she said. "We talk daily about things that upset us. It's about having a sounding board because if you hold in all your thoughts, dreams, anger and anxiety than you're only hurting yourself."

As you might have guessed, in the most figurative and literal sense of the word, Jessica Simpson wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Popeater reports:

"Even though Jessica wants to be happy for Nick, this is a very difficult time for her," a friend of Simpson's tells me. "Nick was the love of her life then, man, and he was her first, so she will always have a very special place in her heart for him. She's deeply saddened." A Simpson insider tells me Jessica has yet to contact Nick to say congrats, and that it's possible it may stay that way for a while, for fear she may not come off as sincere. "If you can't say something nice, it's better to say nothing at all."

This has to be depressing news for Jessica. But if there is any kind of silver lining to this, it's that Moon Pie futures may be on the rise. I don't know much about the stock market, but I have a pretty good feeling about this.

Ever since she divorced Nick Lachey in 2005, Jessica Simpson has told anyone who would listen that whoever she was dating at the time was "the one" and that she's "never been happier". However, it's been a well known secret in Hollywood for years that she's a functioning alcoholic (here and here) who desperately clings to any semblance of affection. She's already ran off Tony Romo and John Mayer, and she has already hinted at marriage with her current boyfriend, Eric Johnson (you know, the guy whose divorce was just finalized). Yet, her ex-husband Nick Lachey, has quietly been in a committed relationship with Vanessa Minnillo (BAM!) for the last four years. But as the law of averages suggest, it was only a matter of time before they ran into Jessica Simpson at a restaurant. I bet you'll never guess what happened! Us Magazine reports:

When a surprised Jessica Simpson spotted ex-husband Nick Lachey just three tables away at L.A. eatery Red O Oct. 21, she had not-so-kind words for his dinner date Vanessa Minnillo, witnesses tell the new Us Weekly. Simpson, 30, (dining with beau Eric Johnson, mom Tina and four other pals) didn't greet Lachey; instead, an observer tells Us, she angrily told her server: "'I hope Vanessa likes her clothes because I bought them for her, since Nick took all my money.'" (She and Lachey, 36, divorced in 2005.) A Simpson confidante adds that the star "got nervous" when Lachey and his love of four years Minnillo, 29, unexpectedly showed up. "It was very weird and awkward." Indeed, another Red O witness tells Us she "got really loud and started drinking margaritas and doing shots of tequila" to deal with her former spouse's presence.

Wow, an overweight, bitter drunk who can't move on from her ex. Man, how did Eric Johnson land this?! Just lucky I guess!

After three years of dating, Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey have split. You know, not that I really give a damn. Star Magazine reports:

"They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another," Vanessa's rep said. Talk of trouble has followed the duo for months. Back in May, Star reported that Nick was hitting on a Jessica look-alike at a Kentucky Derby party -- the night after he kissed another girl at a club.

So to recap, a chick who barely anybody knows dumped some guy that you liked when you were 14 then realized that boy bands are gay so you banged the guy in your high school who sold drugs and drove that new Jeep. Except it really wasn't his Jeep it was his dad's because his dad was rich and the guy was just a wigger you thought was cool because he wore his hat backwards and used words he learned on BET and listened to rap because he could identify with it because how he was raised in that gated community on the golf course where his mom got drunk that one time and slipped, hey you remember that? He even had a pitbull because after all that's what black people do and he felt that if he did he could be black too, because black people are cool because they can like dance and stuff and rent Ferrari's for a day when they do a videoshoot and sip champagne when dey thurstay. I guess I could ramble on a little more, but I hope this clears this whole story up.


Vanessa Minnillo and her nipples back when Nick Lachey was supposedly cool:

Doing nothing every day must be real tiring because it seems like Vanessa Minnillo is always on vacation from whatever it is she doesn't do. At least I think she's on vacation. It's either that or she's filming a new Rambo movie. It's hard to tell, but I think this scene is probably before the bad men come and ambush the missionaries in her willage. With a ragtag group of mercenaries under his command, can Rambo rescue the survivors from the clutches of torture and death before it's too late? Vanessa would surely like to think so.

Being an attention whore is a hard job, and if anybody deserves the gold medal it's Vanessa Minnillo. She really has no discernible talent other than bending over for Nick Lachey, so you'd at least think she'd be hot. We've already seen Vanessa Minnillo naked, so scratch that. She looks like the girl that gave my dad water in the P.O.W. camp. And if I remember the story correctly, that's not the sexiest look you can have.