Imagine waking up to Candice Swanepoel. Multiply that by fifteen. That's how I feel about beating the Colts last night, and I wanted to share that joy with you. You're welcome.

I wondered why I woke up to the sun winking at me and bluebirds pulling my back sheets as a glowing unicorn fetched my slippers and led me to my laptop this morning, but then I quickly realized it's because pictures from the 2009 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show hit online while I was sleeping. Those guys are such perverts!

Miranda Kerr and her incredibly hot ass:

Despite several online reports last week that Miranda Kerr was engaged to Orlando Bloom and they would be married next year, representatives for the actor released a statement this weekend denying the engagement. They've been dating for a while and they probably are actually engaged, but I'd rather not speculate. I'd much rather wait until it's official. Because once I release these insentient, genetically-engineered sabretooth tigers, they won't stop, ever, until the sounds of Orlando Bloom's screams have been made silent. Muhahahaha!!!!

Not in the good way. She has no belly button. Um, ewwww. Splash says:

"A new discovey has surfaced regaring one of the Victoria's Secret Supermodels - that she has no belly button! VS reps have confirmed that Karolina Kurkova indeed has no belly button, and that one is installed using photo editing whenever her odd mid-section is photographed. In the last picture, fellow model Doutzen Kroes appears to be looking at it."

I hate to be difficult here, but this chick is missing a body part. A body part that's kinda important when you're modeling lingerie and bikinis. I'm sure there are hotter chicks with actual belly buttons who won't need Industrial Light and magic to retouch their pictures. The only people who should be missing body parts are amputees and enslaved aliens who crash land on Earth then become cops. How do they hear what I'm saying?! They have no ears! It's freaking me out, man!


Photos: Splash

Being the newest, and arguably the hottest, Victoria's Secret model must be a a lot of pressure for Doutzen Kroes, but it's nowhere near the pressure this dress is feeling to hold in her insanely hot ass. From the side, she could almost pass for Jessica Biel. You know, if she did some curls and some renegade rows. Or maybe pulled a cart in Siberia because she was training to fight Drago.

Victoria's Secret had their annual fashion show this weekend. You won't see it on television until December where it'll be choked to death by commercials on CBS or whatever the network of choice is this year.

In order for me to be entertained by it I'm going to pretend it's almost naked Iron Chef America. Adriana Lima is Bobby Flay. She's always pretty and is full of spice, but too much cilantro, too much bite. Marisa Miller is Chef Masaharu Morimoto. Very clean and fit, and will win any challenge unless the secret ingredient is ground beef. Heidi Klum is Mario Batali. Always delicious, always hot and oozing sexy. The rest of them are Cat CacaCora. Models who will never win, but are good enough to taste and get washed down with Ouzo, or politely spit into a cloth napkin.

Fun Dip:

Here's the insanely hot piece of ass, Miranda Kerr, doing a photoshoot for Victoria's Secret in a bikini. Yeah. I really don't know what to say except I could start a California wildfire if I were banging this chick in a pool.

When I was able to lift my head out of the toilet yesterday, I cursed death for not coming swiftly, then I had some crackers. I'm not sure why you need to know that, but these pictures of Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Karolina Kurkova, and Marisa Miller on a Victoria's Secret shoot is probably the closest thing to my version of heaven. And I only say "closest" because nowhere in these pictures am I holding aloft a magic sword.